


archer: a mchanzo fic

by ben76



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, alcohol happens, fake business bs, hanzo being a mess, this fic got out of control quickly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 50,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26123725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ben76/pseuds/ben76
Summary: A classic modern AU with rich heir Hanzo who is more passionate about archery than anything business related much to his fathers chagrin. He meets a poor, charming Jesse McCree and his life is thrown off balance a bit. You know the rest.(also a little bit of a taylor swift songfic, inspired by her song archer in particular but using her other songs as prompts for the chapters.)
Relationships: Jesse McCree/Hanzo Shimada
Comments: 43
Kudos: 63





	1. enchanted

chapter 1: enchanted

_Shifting eyes and vacancy vanished when I saw your face_   
_All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you_

The only sounds in the training room were the quiet ticking of the timer and Hanzo’s deep breaths as he lifted his bow to position it in line with the target that stood roughly 70 meters away from him. As he focused on the target, his mind was empty except the weight of the bow and the calculations for a bullseye before letting go and watching the arrow fly as if in slow motion. He could already hear the critiques from his coach, the way the arrow curved and landed just outside of the bullseye.

He let out a sigh and prepared to set up another arrow but was interrupted by the silencing of the timer.

“I don’t have to tell you what you did wrong there, right?” his trainer said, stepping towards him. 

“I’m sorry, I’ll work on that,” he said, bowing an apology.

“I would hope, but our time’s up,” the coach said, “and don’t you have an appointment to make?”

“Oh,” Hanzo said, looking at his watch, “shit. I’m gonna be late.”

His coach sighed, shaking his head, “I’m not your life coach but, I think you could apply some more organization to both aspects of your life.”

Hanzo nodded, “you’re not wrong. Thanks, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Don’t be late,” his trainer called after him as he left.

After a quick shower, Hanzo met up with his annoyed father in the lobby. 

“You can be late yourself, but please try not to make me late to my own event,” he said in lieu of any greeting before leading the way out of the training place, not leaving any room for a response from Hanzo.

The event his father was talking about was the big New Years event he threw for his company every year, which Hanzo has been going to since he was a kid. As a kid, he would just have to make a short appearance to say hi before being whisked off to bed before the actual fun began. As a teenager, he’d sneak back in and his dad would pretend he minded as he scolded him just to let him stay. Now, he was a full adult and he was expected to spend the whole night drinking and socializing with the rest of the company, especially since he was in line to run the place.

Of course, now that he was allowed to hang out with the adults he didn’t exactly want to. Turns out all they did was get drunk and brag about their personal achievements, or talk gossip about each other. It was painful, but he had to play along for his dad.

The place was bustling when the two of them arrived after a short ride in silence together. The caterers and organizers of the event were busy putting the final touches on things, sthe event planner pulled Hanzo’s dad away to discuss some sort of problem that had arisen. 

Hanzo figured he better go get changed quickly. Fortunately, his dad had a stylist prepare him something that he had left hanging on his closet door so he only had to throw it on and fix his hair. It was always sort of jarring to go from practice to his “real life”, the one where he had a stylist and played the part of the dutiful son to a business empire. In practice, he was just a guy with a bow and the only expectations were for him to hit the target, which was much easier.

After changing, Hanzo headed back downstairs where the guests who didn’t understand that you weren’t supposed to show up five minutes early were arriving. Hanzo joined his father’s side seamlessly, as if he had been there this entire time as he greeted the guests. He did the routine of smiling and shaking hands as the guests streamed in over the course of the next ten minutes, until mostly everyone was there and the two of them joined the guests in the formal living room where most of the event would be held.

Hanzo spends the next hours getting progressively drunker and making small talk with the guests while enviously watching Genji sit alone in the corner. Nobody had big expectations for him, so he was free to do whatever he wanted at these events. Although Hanzo was proud of where he had gotten himself, he couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy whenever he caught Genji blissfully alone.

After a while, needing a break from playing this character, Hanzo excused himself to the bathroom. This was one of his many tricks to make it through an event, along with drinking enough to tolerate anything and thinking about archery. He headed to the kitchen, intending to use the employee bathroom so he wouldn’t run into anyone on the way there who might want to talk to him. 

As he’s approaching the kitchen doors, the open and out comes a waiter Hanzo had not seen before. Hanzo generally knew most of the regular catering staff, they almost felt like family at this point, but this guy was a stranger. 

A good looking stranger too, one he definitely would remember.

They locked eyes and Hanzo turned quickly, although he didn’t know why he did since all the employees knew he liked to use their bathroom but he did, for some reason, and what greeted him was nothing but the edge of the room. He realised his mistake, and turned back to the kitchen but there was the waiter.

“You lost?” he asked, gesturing to the wall, “I don’t think there’s some secret passageway, although I wouldn’t be surprised... With the money this family has.”

Clearly the guy was new, he didn’t seem to know who Hanzo was which caught Hanzo off guard. It was rare to be unknown.

“Uh,” he stuttered, “I was just... heading to restroom.”

The waiter raised his eyebrow, “the restroom? I don’t think it’s over here.”

Hanzo bristled, annoyed by the waiters condescending tone, “no, I know where it is. I’m just...”

The waiter smiled, “just walking into walls for fun?”

Hanzo rolled his eyes, and pushed past the waiter, trying to regain some respect.

“Have a nice night,” the waiter called after him, which unfortunately gained the attention of a couple guests as Hanzo tried to covertly slip into the kitchen. Notably, Genji was giving him an amused look as he glanced his way.

He’d hear about that later, for sure.

For now, he was safe in the kitchen surrounded by the familiar staff who greeted him warmly. He smiled and nodded as he crossed the kitchen to the hallway that led to the employee bathroom. Finally alone, he took a deep breath and tried to regain his composure. Something about the cute waiter had rattled him, more than just his good looks.

Whatever it was, it was going to be nothing now, he told himself as he actually used the bathroom. 

After what he thought was a suspicious amount of time to be in the bathroom, Hanzo forced himself to go back to the party. This time, he left through the hallway that led back to the main entrance and entered the living room that way so he would not run into the mystery waiter. 

Genji cuts him off on his way back to the group he was sitting with formerly, a bunch of guys he worked more closely with at the office. I guess you could call them his friends, they were the closest thing he had anyway.

“Hey,” Genji said casually, “having fun?”

Hanzo shrugged, “as much fun as I usually do.”

“So, no,” Genji said with a smile, looking over to where Hanzo was heading, “I’m sure the conversation is riveting.”

Hanzo just shrugged again, going to push past Genji, but he was stopped by Genji’s grasp on his arm.

“Hey, I’m not trying to start anything,” he said, sounding genuine, “I saw you with that new waiter earlier, he’s cute.”

Hanzo gave him an odd look, looking around to make sure no one had heard Genji’s comment.

“Oh, come on,” Genji sighed, “I’m already trans, they don’t care.”

“That’s not-” Hanzo started but Genji cut him off.

“He was flirting with you,” Genji said with a sly smile, “and you looked like a helpless puppy.”

Hanzo shook his head, annoyed and tired of this conversation. Despite what he said, Genji was clearly just trying to start something, and this was not the place to be doing it.

“Genji, if you want to tease me for this, maybe later?” Hanzo said, “when all the guests are gone?”

Genji pouted, “this is more fun, but okay. Go enjoy the company of those lunk heads, I’ll see you later.”

Genji waved goodbye as he headed towards the entrance, and Hanzo once again felt that pang of jealousy as he slipped through the doors unnoticed. No one cared that Genji was flaking, but if Hanzo had been missing for a minute more there would be a search party looking through the house for him.

He joined his group, seamlessly joining the conversation with some snarky comment as he slipped back into character. Every so often, against Hanzo’s control, he’d catch the mystery waiter around the room. He’d be serving someone whatever appetizer he had on his tray with a smile, saying something to make the guests laugh. He seemed to be pretty good at his job, fitting in perfectly with the rest of the staff with his playful demeanor but something was a little different with him. Something that kept Hanzo seeking him out every couple of minutes.

And then he was right there, holding out his tray for Hanzo with the same smile he gave the other guests but a new sparkle in his eye that Hanzo had to be making up. He was pretty drunk at that point, maybe it was that.

“Stuffed mushrooms?” he asked, looking only at Hanzo despite the group he was surrounded by.

“No, I’m good,” Hanzo said, waving away the plate while trying to maintain his professional composure.

One of the other guys asked for some, and the waiter held out the tray for them, glancing back at Hanzo for a second with a curious look that Hanzo tried to ignore.

“Is there anything I can get for you, Mr. Shimada,” he said, emphasis on the name at the end.

So, he knew who he was now and he was staring at him expectantly, which Hanzo replied to with a confused stare, or what he hoped was a confused stare. It might have just been a stare.

“Anything?” he asked again.

“No,” Hanzo said, breaking free from whatever had come over him there, “I’m good, thanks.”

“Okay,” the waiter said with a bright smile, “name’s McCree if you need anything.”

Hanzo nodded, unsure why he was offering this information and a little embarrassed at how long this interaction was going. McCree lingered for a second more, with an inviting look, before slipping back into the crowd and towards the kitchen.

Although he didn’t really know why, Hanzo was compelled to follow. He excused himself for the bathroom again, but the guys had tuned out by then, bored of whatever was going on with this waiter. 

In the kitchen, the waiter was nowhere to be seen and Hanzo felt like an idiot as he crossed it, acting as if he had really been planning to use the bathroom. In the hallway, though, stood the waiter. He was without his apron and leaning against the wall.

“Oh, hey,” he said, “you came.”

“I, uh...” Hanzo trailed off, giving up halfway through his attempt at an excuse. It didn’t matter, they both knew that he followed him here.

“You looked like you were dying out there,” McCree said, waving vaguely towards the living room where they had just been, “I thought I’d try to save you.”

“That’s what that was,” Hanzo said with an unconvinced look.

McCree laughed, nodding as he said, “Yeah, my first time. Can you tell?”

“No, you’re a pro,” Hanzo said sarcastically. “Thought you must be a superhero or something.”

“Okay, okay,” McCree said, holding up his hands as if surrendering, “I wasn’t that bad. You followed me, didn’t you?”

Hanzo shrugged.

“So, I got you out of there,” McCree said, “I’m assuming you’re forced to be here, right? The whole eldest son of the Shimada family thing, like it’s the 1900s or whatever.”

“I’m not forced,” Hanzo lied, “it’s expected of me, and I can’t complain. There are worse things to be expected to do.”

McCree smiled, “I can think of a couple.”

They were silent for a moment, just sort of looking at each other and taking the other in. Outside of the complete waiter get up, Hanzo could actually see McCree. Hanzo felt self conscious as McCree looked at him, wondering if he looked too stuck up in his styled outfit. McCree didn’t seem to phased by it, though, just sort of smiling at him.

“So, this was your escape plan?” Hanzo said, breaking the silence, “just kind of lure me to the hallway to talk?”

McCree shrugged, “I’ve never been good at plans.”

Hanzo sighed, shaking his head and looking back at the door. He should get back to the party, his father had probably noticed his absence and if he stayed missing for much longer he’d get suspicious. 

“I can’t imagine what it’d be like to only be expected to enjoy myself at a party,” McCree said, “or really have anything expected of me, but that’s not the point.”

“I know, I already said it was nothing,” Hanzo said.

“No,” McCree said, clarifying himself, “I think I’d enjoy a party more if it wasn’t also a responsibility.”

“Yeah,” Hanzo said, surprised that this stranger got it so well already, “parties aren’t usually jobs.”

McCree shook his head, “unless you're hired to serve at one, I guess.”

“Well, yeah,” Hanzo said with a smile, “that’s a job.”

“Hey, I guess I’m going this saving thing alright,” McCree said, “I got a smile out of you.”

Hanzo rolled his eyes, forcing a straight face as he said, “I’m not some kind of depressed rich guy. I smile.”

McCree looked unconvinced, but he didn’t push the point, changing the subject instead, “excited for the New Year?”

Hanzo shrugged, “same old stuff, I’m sure.”

“Any big resolutions?” McCree asked.

Hanzo thought about that for a moment, he did have “resolutions”, or something along those lines. But they weren’t just abstract goals of his, there were things that were just going to happen in the upcoming year. Things were getting serious at his job, and he’d be expected to take on more responsibility eventually and be promoted to a higher position. Goals like that, but they felt too shallow to tell McCree.

“I want to go to worlds, for archery,” Hanzo said, which he hadn’t told anyone other than his coach. His dad saw archery as more of a hobby, despite the many medals Hanzo brought home from competitions. 

McCree’s went wide, “worlds, huh? The big time, are you that good?”

“I think so,” Hanzo said, “I’ve been... close before.”

“Oh? What happened?” McCree asked.

“I wasn’t good enough,” Hanzo said with a shrug, not mentioning that it was around the time he graduated college and his dad forced him to cut his practice time down so he could focus on the business more. Since then, Hanzo had been squeezing in as many hours as he could so he would have another chance.

McCree frowned, “well, I think you can do it. I mean, that’s what resolutions are for, anyway. To push yourself.”

Hanzo laughed, because the words from this stranger who had never seen him shoot a bow before meant nothing ultimately but were comforting anyway. 

“Thanks,” he said, “do you have any resolutions?”

McCree shrugged, “as I said, I’m not good at planning. I’d like to not die, and maybe figure out what I’m doing with my life but... other than that? Nothing.”

“So, you don’t want to be a server for the rest of your life?” Hanzo asked.

“I don’t know,” McCree said, “that’s the point.”

Hanzo nodded, as if he could understand despite knowing what he would do with his life since he could form that thought. 

The door opened then, and one of the security personnelles appeared with a relieved sigh when he saw Hanzo.

“There you are,” he said, “your father is looking for you, I’d hurry if I were you.”

Hanzo sighed, turning to McCree and saying, “sorry, I’ve got to go. People are expecting me.”

McCree nodded, this knowing look on his face as if they shared an inside joke, which they kind of did. 

“I wouldn’t want to keep them waiting,” he said, “have fun, Hanzo.”

Which was funny because they both knew he would not.


	2. everything has changed

_And all I've seen since eighteen hours ago  
Is green eyes and freckles and your smile  
In the back of my mind making me feel like  
I just wanna know you better_

The next morning, Hanzo barely remembered the events of the night before. He vaguely remembered joining his father and Genji to toast in the New Year after leaving the waiter, and possibly celebrating with the rest of his “friends” for a little while more before the event wrapped up. What he did remember vividly was every moment with McCree, he continued to replay them in his head as he grabbed a smoothie for breakfast on his way to the training center. It was technically a holiday, so his coach was off, but that also meant he didn’t have to go to work so he had to take the time to get some hours in.

As he practiced, instead of losing himself in the pattern of the motions as he usually did, his mind continued to replay the events of the night before. It was nothing, clearly, but still he analyzed every word, glance, movement that both he and the waiter had made last night for clues to what happened.

Because, he didn’t really know what that was. What about this McCree guy had him so frazzled that he shot three bad arrows in a row while considering the way that he had looked at him before Hanzo slipped back into the kitchen with the security guard. Like he was sad to see Hanzo go, despite meeting him for the first time barely an hour before. 

Hanzo, frustrated, shot a handful of arrows in quick succession watching as each other veered too far from the bullseye than acceptable. As he went up to grab the arrows, he repeated to himself mentally that he was being crazy and that the night before meant literally nothing. This McCree guy was just some weirdo who worked for the caterers, and maybe Hanzo would never see him again.

And he would be fine with that.

Right?

Hanzo physically shook his head, trying to clear his head as he took back his position and prepared another arrow. He tried to force his mind to only focus on the weight of the bow, the target in front of him, and the potential trajectory of the arrow as he let go. Finally, the arrow landed nearly directly on the center of the target and Hanzo let out a heavy sigh before loading up another arrow. He continued like this for a while, an hour or so, just focusing on those three things and hitting bullseye after bullseye. His coach would have been proud if he had been there.

He was interrupted by a knock on the door. He turned, lowering his bow, to see Genji casually leaning against the doorframe.

“Can I help you?” Hanzo asked.

“Eh, not really,” Genji said with a shrug as he stepped into the training room. He looked over at the target and nodded, “kind of on fire right now, huh?”

Hanzo shrugged.

“Don’t be so modest,” Genji said with a frown, “you’re good. Anyway, that’s not why I’m here.”

“I figured,” Hanzo said with a small smile, a little happy to hear praise from his younger brother. Things weren’t super great between the two of them lately, but sometimes he could still feel the brotherly bond that was once so strong between the two of them.

“I was on my way out to see some friends and dad wanted me to stop by to remind you about dinner,” Genji explained, “and I also wanted to talk to you about that cute waiter last night. You basically disappeared after everyone left, I couldn’t find you.”

Hanzo shrugged, that was his goal, “nothing to talk about.”

He turned away from Genji, not wanting him to see his face in case it gave anything away. He lifted his bow, as if he was going to just continue shooting and ignoring Genji but he held it there as Genji continued.

“Well, did you talk to him?” Genji asked, “I noticed you were missing when I came back for the toast.”

“No,” Hanzo lied, letting go of the arrow and watching it fly, very off target. 

Genji winced, “okay, so clearly something happened.”

Hanzo shook his head, lowering his bow again and turning back to Genji, “no. It’s just a little hard to focus on shooting an arrow when your little brother is bothering you.”

Genji smiled, “sorry, but you can’t just pretend there wasn’t tangible chemistry between the two of you.”

“Genji,” Hanzo said sternly, “you’re making stuff up.”

Genji frowned, “okay, whatever you say but just know I’m right here if you want to talk about it.”

He sounded sincere then, but Hanzo did not take the bait. He turned away from Genji once again, trying to signal an end to the conversation that Genji fortunately understood. 

“Well, don’t forget dinner,” Genji said, “or lunch, you can’t just shoot targets all day.”

Hanzo ignored him, loading up another arrow and letting it fly. The two of them watched as the arrow landed perfectly in the center and Genji gave a little applause.

“Seriously, Han, you could go to the Olympics,” Genji said.

_ I wish _ , Hanzo thought as Genji left, saying nothing out loud. 

\---

Hanzo never did manage to eat lunch. He spent the entire day at the training center, taking small breaks every now and then but mostly just practicing. He was mostly able to clear his mind, but every so often he would lose himself to thoughts of the waiter before focusing again. It was a long day, and still it went too quickly. It wasn’t long before Hanzo had to leave for dinner, their annual New Year’s family dinner. 

Hanzo didn’t mind these sort of dinners, with just him, Genji, and their father. Most of the time, when it was just them three, things were good. It was mostly in the presence of business people that things turned cold between the three of them.

He arrived home to Genji helping the chef put some finishing touches to the meal, while their dad was nowhere to be seen. Genji greeted him, his demeanor starkly different from their encounter earlier. This was at home Genji, when he was not playing any games. Hanzo preferred him this way.

“How is it coming along?” Hanzo asked.

“Perfect, as per usual,” Genji said with a confident grin, “not that I had anything to do with that.”

Hanzo smiled, thanking the chef before he slipped into the dining room to find their dad. He was sitting in his seat already, reading some papers that probably had something to do with the business’s new year plans. He nodded a greeting as Hanzo entered the room, putting the papers down on the table.

“Nice of you to pay us a visit,” he said courtly.

“I’m sorry,” Hanzo said, “I thought I should take advantage of the holiday to get more time in at the gym.”

His dad nodded, looking back at the papers before saying, “I have some plans I want to run by you.”

Hanzo nodded, going over to sit in the seat beside his dad and accepting the papers. They were business plans and Hanzo knew it would take him more than a couple minutes to go through them, but he glazed over them and nodded like he had seen his father do a thousand times. 

“I’ll have to look at them more thoroughly after dinner,” Hanzo said, “but I don’t see any problem with them.”

His dad smiled, proud as he said, “of course. You can take them with you, we’re having a meeting on them tomorrow. I expect you to be familiar.”

Hanzo nodded, looking back at the thick stack of papers. Now he was thinking he should have spent all day at the gym, because now he’d have to stay up late to read these plans. He tried not to let any of his frustration show, though, as he stood back up and took the papers to his room. 

Dinner was less frustrating, even though he had to hide his annoyance of Genji’s frivolous resolution that his dad barely made a comment on. When it was his turn to share his resolutions, he left his archery goal as nothing but a footnote tacked on the end of the stuff he didn’t tell McCree the night before. He gained a proud smile for his effort, and the rest of the night went on without a hitch. 

\---

Things at the office were always hectic at the start of the year, but this year they were preparing for those big new year plans that impacted several aspects of the company so everyday was a marathon of meetings full of numbers and graphs. It was the kind of work that took every inch of Hanzo’s mind and time, so by the time he finally made it back to the training space later in the week he was finding it difficult to focus.

It had been a couple days since he last practiced, having been kept up at the office until pretty late the past couple days, and his coach could tell. He was unfocused and sloppy, and with every off arrow he earned harsh words from his coach which did not help. 

“Let’s take five,” his coach said after a while, “you’re not here, are you?”

Hanzo just shrugged, staring at the target haphazardly full of arrows.

“Figure it out and come back in five, okay?” his coach said, shaking his head before leaving the room.

Hanzo still had an arrow left, ready to be loaded up so he did. He pulled back the string and took a deep breath, trying desperately to clear his head of the deadlines and the look on his coach’s face as he landed another sloppy shot.

But all that was left was the look on the mysterious waiter's face as Hanzo slipped back to the party, and that certainly wasn’t going to help either. Work was easy to think about, it was easy to slip into the grind, but these thoughts were a bit more complicated. Since New Year’s, Hanzo couldn’t quite shake the waiter from his mind. During the day, it was all work all the time, but at night... That was a whole other story. 

He fired off the last arrow, not even bothering to watch it as it landed wherever. He set down his bow and went over to where his stuff sat, taking a big gulp of his water. His head hurt as if he hadn’t had water in days, but he knew the water wouldn’t help. Turning this practice around might help, but he couldn’t do that if he didn’t shake the stupid thoughts that clouded his mind.

Five minutes was too short. His coach came back and asked him if he was ready to take this seriously, which he could only respond to with a shrug as he went back to his position, bow in hand.

Another arrow, another deep breath, another attempt at focusing on just the target but as he let the arrow fly he was reminded of something he was supposed to do today and it flew off target. He winces as it lands, mentally preparing for more berating from his coach. 

“I think we’ve done enough for today,” is all he says, “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but figure it out before our next session, okay? Olympic athletes don’t have time for emotions.”

Hanzo just nodded, thinking that he didn’t have time for emotions either but it wasn’t looking like he had a choice.

\---

As Hanzo left the training center, he got a text from Genji simply saying “office guys are at the house”. It was a warning message, indicating that Hanzo wanted to be anywhere but home. What even were they doing there? After spending almost every second of the last few days together, why would they want more? 

Whatever the reason was, Hanzo decided to grab lunch out to delay the inevitable. He even went out of his way to a grab and go sushi place a couple blocks in the opposite direction, a place he liked but rarely went to with how little time he usually had. His session had ended early, anyway, so he really did have time to spare.

Still, as he grabbed his usual and an iced tea, he felt the anxiety and stress over his eventual return home crowd any relaxation he might have felt with this free time. The place was bustling as usual, so he just paid and planned to take it to a park or something to eat. 

As he was leaving, the person ahead of him held the door open for him, looking back at him with a familiar smile that fell as recognition dawned on their face. 

It was the waiter.

McCree.

The two of them froze, staring at each other as they blocked the doorway awkwardly. McCree smiled again, this time it was the same mischievous smile Hanzo remembered from New Years eve. Hanzo figured he’d probably wake up from this ridiculous dream any minute now, but instead the moment was interrupted by another customer trying to get by.

“Oh, sorry,” he said, stepping out of the way and watching awkwardly as the group of customers that had grown behind him passed through the door that McCree was still holding open. 

After everyone was through, McCree turned to Hanzo and said, “if it isn’t Mr. Shimada himself. Long time no see.”

Hanzo just nodded awkwardly, trying to figure out where this was going. The sane part of his mind was telling him to say a polite goodbye and be on his way, it wasn’t like McCree expected anything else, right? They were just barely acquaintances running into each other briefly before probably disappearing from each other’s life again. 

That part of his brain went out the door with the rest of the guests when McCree awkwardly, but also adorably, held up his own food and said, “wanna join me?”

Hanzo replied by awkwardly shrugging and saying, “why not?”

McCree beamed, gesturing for Hanzo to go through the door before following him out onto the street. Not knowing what else to do, Hanzo started walking towards the park he had previously planned to eat at.

“Where are we heading?” McCree asked after a moment.

“A park, where I usually take my lunch,” Hanzo explained, “unless you had a different idea.”

McCree shrugged, “nope, I was going to take my lunch back to my apartment.”

“Ah,” Hanzo said, not being able to stop himself from imagining what that apartment might look like. Had that been where McCree was inviting him to when he asked if he wanted to join him? 

“I figure it might be a little weird if I invited you there, though,” he said with a shrug, as if he was reading Hanzo’s mind. “A park sounds nice.”

Hanzo just nodded, unable to come up with a witty response over the thoughts that were jumping around his mind. Logically, he barely knew this guy so he definitely didn’t deserve to take up so much space in his mind, but he had this energy to him that Hanzo couldn’t shake. The energy he had spent days thinking about since New Years, that he wanted more of despite himself. 

Plus, he  _ was _ cute.

“So, how’s training for worlds going?” McCree asked.

Hanzo suppressed a sigh, not wanting to reveal just how bad today’s training had gone in case McCree got curious as to why that was. Instead, he just shrugged and said, “fine.”

McCree looked unconvinced, “fine?”

“Yeah,” Hanzo said, “It’s been a week, did you expect me to have made it already?”

McCree frowned, “no. Fine doesn’t say much, is all. Sounds like a fake answer for it’s going  _ not _ fine.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Hanzo insisted, “How are you doing with the whole figure out your life thing?”

McCree shrugged, looking sheepish as he said, “fine.”

Hanzo shook his head, “sounds like a fake answer.”

“What can I say, it’s been a week,” he said with a small smile. 

“So, we can agree that a week into the New Year is a bad time to discuss resolutions,” Hanzo said.

“Okay,” McCree said as they approached the park and Hanzo started to scout for a free table. “What  _ have _ you been up to, Mr. archer extraordinaire?”

“The usual,” Hanzo said, distracted by his search and forgetting that McCree doesn’t know what the usual was.

“And that is?” McCree asked as Hanzo found a table and made his way to it.

“Work, training, and repeat,” Hanzo said, not wanting to get into just how difficult that had been this week. “What about you, busy week?”

McCree shrugged, “I delivered a lot of salad, so I guess you could say that.”

“You delivered salads?” Hanzo asked as they sat down at the empty table. 

“I deliver food for rich lazy people on my days off,” McCree said with a shrug. “Not you clearly, with your take out sushi that you actually take out yourself.”

Hanzo felt embarrassed again at being caught eating cheap takeout sushi, despite the positive connotations McCree was giving to the situation. If it had been anyone else, they’d probably ask why he didn’t just order it online like the people McCree was referring to. 

McCree shifted the conversation to more casual topics, telling a story about a roommate he had that ate every single meal via delivery. 

“Every morning I’d awake to the sound of the doorbell,” he said between bites, “that’s how he drank coffee, I’m pretty sure he didn’t even have to order it. It just came.”

As he spoke, Hanzo found himself barely eating. He just watched this gorgeous guy talk and laughed because turns out he wasn’t just gorgeous, he was a good storyteller. He could have sat there forever but eventually his phone rang, Genji popping up on his screen. He ignored it, but took it as a sign his absence had been noticed back at home.

“I should probably go,” he said.

“You’ve eaten like one bite,” McCree said with a raised eyebrow. “I’ll stop distracting you, if you stay just a bit to finish your lunch. For your own health, of course.”

There was a twinkle in his eye that said Hanzo’s health was probably not his top priority, but Hanzo tried to ignore that as he packed his lunch back up. His phone rang again and he explained to McCree that his father was probably worrying about his absence.

“How old are you?” McCree teased, but didn’t protest further as the two of them stood from the table.

“Thanks for, uh, inviting me,” Hanzo said awkwardly, unsure how to say goodbye.

“Of course,” McCree said, looking equally as awkward, looking around as if looking for an excuse to not part with Hanzo.

“I should...” Hanzo started.

“Wait,” McCree said, holding up his hand before reaching into his pocket for his phone. Hanzo tried not to notice how old it looked as McCree tapped a couple times before handing it to him. 

“Let’s not leave next time up to chance,” McCree said with a shrug as Hanzo looked to see the phone prompting him for a number.

Hanzo hesitated for a moment, knowing what giving this guy his number implied and unsure if that was what he wanted. His trainer’s voice came to his mind, telling him to figure out what was bothering him. Hanzo didn’t think this was what he had had in mind, but it was better than what he had been dealing with for the past week. He typed in his number quickly and handed the phone back to McCree, “okay. I guess I’ll see you later then.”

“Yes,” McCree said more confidently now. “Later. Good luck at home.”

Hanzo nodded before turning to head somewhere else to call his driver, not wanting to display that particular privilege so blatantly. He crossed the park, heading back towards his training center, stopping at the crosswalk for a moment to call his driver and look back at where he left McCree. He didn’t know how to feel as he saw McCree still standing there, watching Hanzo. 

\---

Turns out Genji  _ had _ been calling to let Hanzo know their father was starting to get a little antsy about his absence, so Hanzo was right to leave then. Some of the office guys were still there when he arrived, so he got pulled in to sit and drink with them a bit before he made an excuse to leave. He hadn’t really been paying attention to the conversation, just more of the same stuff he heard at work which he really did not want to think about. Instead, as they talked, Hanzo sipped his drink and thought about the image of McCree watching him at the crosswalk, and the embarrassed way he looked as he waved before heading in the other direction.

In the kitchen, away from the business talk finally, Genji caught up to him as he poured himself a cup of tea to bring to his room.

“You look distracted,” Genji asked, “everything okay?”

Hanzo nodded, “I’m fine.”

“What were you up to for so long after practice?” Genji asked, leaning up against the counter with a curious look on his face.

“Nothing,” Hanzo said, “I didn’t want to come back here.”

Genji nodded, “can’t blame you there, I tried to socialise with those guys for a minute but that stuff is so boring, it could kill someone.”

Hanzo shook his head, amused at his younger brother’s reliable immaturity. 

“One day you’ll have to learn how to communicate with your peers,” Hanzo said.

Genji frowned, “my peers, sure. Those guys? I don’t know about that.”

“Those are your peers, or they will be,” Hanzo said.

Genji just shrugged, looking through the doorway at the group still in the living room. 

“Well, I have work to do,” Hanzo said, passing Genji with a friendly pat on the shoulder, “and I’m sure you do too.”

Genji glared at him, but said nothing as Hanzo slipped out of the kitchen and to his room. He did have work to do, and he prepared to do it at his desk, laying it out all organized just for him to sit down and ignore it all. Instead, he got out his phone and stared at it, partly waiting for something from McCree and partly dreading anything coming in.

When nothing did after a couple minutes, he set it aside and got to work. He could only focus for a couple minutes at a time before he worried he had missed a notification and would look at his phone again. It was a disaster and by the time he had to go back down for dinner, he had made no progress in his project. Maybe giving McCree his number had been the wrong thing to do after all.


	3. sparks fly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: this is a whole lot of sappy nothingness but i loved writing it. enjoy!

_You're the kind of reckless that should send me running_

_But I kinda know that I won't get far_

Hanzo was determined to get back on track with his work projects the next day and pretend that McCree didn’t even exist. After grabbing a cup of tea and some breakfast, he returned to his desk as he had the night before to work. His phone sat out of reach on his bed stand, which was on purpose. Less chance he’ll reach for it absentmindedly and get lost in the spiral that had got caught in the night before.

This worked for a moment, he had managed to organize some details and go over some of the numbers for the project before he couldn’t help but hear the sound of his phone going off. He braced himself, willing himself to stay where he was and continue the calculations he had been doing but the numbers meant nothing to him now. After a couple of frustrating minutes, he let himself get up from his desk and grab his phone. 

Sure enough, a message sat there from a strange number that simply said “good morning.” It could have been anyone, but Hanzo knew who it was and his heart nearly stopped at the sight of it despite himself. He sat on his bed, tapping the message just as another one appeared. 

_It’s McCree._

_I figured,_ Hanzo replied.

_Got any plans today?_

Hanzo hesitated before typing, _no._

A lie, but no one had to know.

_Just what I wanted to hear! Hungry?_

Hanzo looked to his barely eaten breakfast and typed, _sure._

_Talkative one, huh? Meet me here._

His next text was an address that brought up a small diner in a part of town Hanzo had never been to, but he had heard it was a bit run down from some of his coworkers. He kept any reservations he might have to himself as he let McCree know he’d be there. Not wanting to take too long, he tried to get ready quickly but found himself fretting over everything. How hard should you try when going out for breakfast with someone you met a week ago?

When he eventually decided on something that looked acceptable, which was just his regular everyday look, he ran into a sleepy looking Genji on his way out.

“Out this early?” Genji asked with a yawn, “you know it's the weekend, right?”

“You realise you’re the only one who thinks 10am is early,” Hanzo retorted. “I have stuff to do.”

Genji rolled his eyes, letting Hanzo slip by without another word. Outside, Hanzo realized he didn’t know how he was going to get there. Having their driver drive him seemed so pompous, the kind of thing McCree would tease him for probably, but that’s the only way he knew how to get places. Before he could figure something out, though, the car pulled up front of him and the driver was stepping out to open the door for him.

“Out early today,” the driver commented, “business stuff?”

Hanzo just shrugged as he got into the car, saying nothing but the address to the curious driver. He didn’t ask what Hanzo was doing out there, but Hanzo could tell he wanted to. 

The drive was long enough for Hanzo to start to second guess his decision to meet up with this practical stranger instead of working on projects he’d have to hand in tomorrow, done or not. He almost asked his driver to turn around a couple times, but the memory of McCree watching him kept stopping him. For some reason, Hanzo really wanted to see this guy again.

Enough to put work aside for the first time in his life, apparently.

He told the driver to stop a few store fronts down from the actual address, then told him he’d call him when he needed a ride back before getting out of the car and watching it drive away. He wasn’t sure why, but he made sure the driver was well out of sight before he continued down the block towards the diner. 

It looked about as grungy as it had online, but Hanzo wasn’t really paying attention to that as he approached the building. All he could see was McCree standing outside the door, leaning up against the window and looking in the other direction. Hanzo didn’t know what to say as he approached him, so he just waited until McCree turned his way and by then he was right beside him.

“Oh,” he said, standing up straight. He was clearly surprised to see Hanzo so close already. “Hi.”

“Hello,” Hanzo said, feeling all those doubts from the ride over crash back over him for a moment before McCree smiled that stupid charming smile.

“Hungry?” he asked again, holding the door open for Hanzo as the doubts disappeared and were replaced with nothing but a good buzz that numbed his usual anxiety.

McCree led the way to a booth in the back and a waiter came by soon after to take their drink orders. As they left to get those, McCree tossed aside his menu just as Hanzo opened his.

“Western omelette with no peppers,” he said simply, almost to no one before looking at Hanzo. “Every diner in this country has the same menu.”

Hanzo didn’t know what to say to that.

“I’ve been basically everywhere, and I order the same thing every time,” McCree continued, “I have yet to find a diner that didn’t offer it.”

Hanzo nodded slowly, amused and puzzled. “Is that why we’re here?”

McCree shrugged, “I like omelettes.”

“But not peppers,” Hanzo said, “why not order a different omelette?”

McCree shrugged again, smiling as if he understood just how ridiculous he was but didn’t care, “it’s more fun this way.”

Hanzo shook his head, laughing a bit as he turned his attention back to the menu. He didn’t eat this sort of food usually, his household was still pretty traditionally Japanese despite living in the states for a while now so they’re breakfasts looked a bit different. 

“How were things at home last night,” McCree asked, “you left in such a rush.”

“It was fine,” Hanzo said, not looking up from the menu so McCree couldn’t see his face in case it gave anything away, “I had work stuff.”

“On the weekend?” McCree asked.

“Time doesn’t stop just because you want it to,” Hanzo said, looking up then and finding himself caught off guard by the genuine frown on McCree’s face. “It’s fine.”

“Yeah,” McCree said, nodding, “I wouldn’t know. I never had a real job.”

“No?” Hanzo asked. “How come?”

McCree shrugged, “haven’t needed one.”

“Hm,” Hanzo said, not able to imagine how that would feel as he looked back at his menu just as the waiter arrived.

They set their drinks in front of them and asked them if they were ready to order, which McCree responded yes to quickly before shooting an apologetic look at Hanzo.

“Unless...” he said, watching Hanzo.

“I’m good,” Hanzo said.

“Okay, I’ll take your western omelette with no peppers,” McCree said with a grin as the waiter wrote it down, no questions asked. He shot Hanzo a “I told you so” look before the waiter turned to Hanzo.

“I’ll just take some eggs and toast,” he said, saying the first thing that came to his mind.

“Alright,” the waiter said, “I’ll have those out as quickly as possible.”

As the waiter walked away, McCree leaned onto the table and said in a low voice, “everytime, Shimada, everytime.”

Hanzo rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his water just for something to do to avoid the closeness of McCree leaning on the table. McCree looked amused in a way that worried Hanzo, made him feel too seen as McCree leaned back in his seat.

“I have a name, you know,” Hanzo said to change the subject.

McCree frowned, confused.

“You keep calling me by my last name,” Hanzo said.

“Oh,” McCree said, “It’s just something we do, until we’re really friends, you know?”

“We?” Hanzo asked.

“The people where I’m from,” McCree said with a shrug, “last names feel more anonymous, more formal.”

Hanzo understood that, he went by Mr. Shimada by most of his colleagues that worked below him. But that was professional, he didn’t care for them to know his name besides his family name. McCree... Well, he wanted McCree to know more than that. He wanted them to be familiar.

He was thinking about this and trying not to let any of those thoughts show on his face as he realised something.

“So, is McCree just your family name?” he asked.

McCree laughed, “well, yeah. My ‘family’ name.”

Hanzo rolled his eyes, ignoring McCree’s dig at his choice of words as he said, “so what is it then, your name. I think I deserve to know that.”

McCree hesitated for a minute, looking at Hanzo suspiciously, “why would you say that?”

“What do you mean?” Hanzo asked.

“What makes you deserve that information about me?” he asked, leaning into the table again with a small smirk. Again, Hanzo felt disturbingly seen as McCree watched him.

“Well, I came all the way out here to see you,” he said, attempting to keep his tone even but unfortunately failing. He could feel his face heating up as McCree continued to watch him, his smile growing.

“Okay,” McCree said after a moment, leaning back and breaking the tension that had built between the two of them. “Jesse. Jesse McCree.”

Hanzo nodded, staying silent while his mind repeated those two words over and over and over again in his head. It was a nice name, and a perfect name for the guy that sat across from him. Jesse. It was charming.

“Well, Jesse, it’s nice to officially meet you,” he said when he was finally capable of forming a sentence. Later, he’d be angry about the sort of spell that Jesse had put on him somehow but for now he just focused on Jesse’s smile as he said “right back at you, Hanzo.”

His name felt kind of perfect too, coming from Jesse’s mouth.

\---

The food was nothing to write home about, but that didn’t really matter. McCree hadn’t invited Hanzo out to show him an amazing restaurant, he had invited him out to see him. That was clear from the onset, but as Jesse himself complained about his undercooked omelette, it became very obvious and that made Hanzo feel both incredibly anxious and almost giddy at the same time. He tried to conceal both of those emotions, though, as the meal went on and they talked about anything. Jesse explained a bit more of his past, why he had been to “basically everywhere” and the such. 

Turns out he had gotten into “some very bad stuff” and had to leave his hometown at a young age and has been on the move since. “I just feel better not getting attached,” he said so nonchalantly as if that wasn’t such a heartbreaking thing to say. 

“I can’t imagine,” Hanzo had replied, thinking how he wouldn’t know what to do without the roots that ran so deep where he was. 

Jesse was somehow both an oversharer, and really secretive. He kept details about stuff vague, like Hanzo didn’t know where he was from or what that “bad” stuff was. He told his story like he had told it many times before, and Hanzo wouldn’t realise until later that he had held back any information. That’s how good he was at it.

Once again, Hanzo found himself so entranced in Jesse that he barely ate any of his food. This time he shrugged it off as if the food was bad, embarrassed as to why he really didn’t eat it. 

“You’re pretty bad at eating, huh,” Jesse noted, “let’s go find something actually edible for you.”

“I’m fine,” Hanzo said.

Jesse frowned, “or I guess we could just part ways.”

Hanzo tried not to sound too eager as he said, “no. I mean, if you want to get something else.”

Jesse smiled, “yeah, I would.”

They made no plans as they left the diner, just turning left randomly and hoping to find something else to eat. Hanzo probably would have followed Jesse anywhere at that point, he was so dumbly caught up in him and this moment. His real life felt incredibly far away as they walked in silence for a moment and all Hanzo could focus on was just how close Jesse was to him.

He couldn’t even remember a time he had felt this way before, it was weird and intoxicating, it was almost better than alcohol. 

“What do you like to eat, besides sushi?” Jesse asked after a moment.

“Well, we mostly eat traditional Japanese dishes at home,” Hanzo said with a shrug, “lots of rice and stews and stir fries. I don’t think I’ve ever considered something as a favorite.”

Jesse looked over at him curiously, “well, that’s something. Japanese stews. You like that?”

Hanzo shrugged, “yeah.”

Jesse made a thoughtful noise as he took in the store fronts they passed. It was still early and a lot of them were closed or not food places. Finally they passed a small bakery squeezed between a second hand boutique and a closed bar. 

“Dessert?” Jesse asked, stopping in front of the bakery. 

“Why not,” Hanzo said.

“I like your attitude,” Jesse said, “a go with the flow kind of guy.”

Hanzo laughed because no one would ever call him that besides Jesse, and Jesse wouldn’t either if he saw him in his day to day life. This Hanzo wasn’t who he really was, but he didn’t really know if the other was either.

That thought was depressing, so he shook it off as he followed Jesse into the tiny bakery. It turned out to be a Chinese owned place, so it served some familiar desserts to Hanzo. 

“If I was religious, I’d say that this was God’s doing,” Jesse said as they looked over the assortment of baked goods.

“Maybe it was,” Hanzo said, although he wasn’t religious either but he wasn’t against the idea. Maybe this whole thing was God’s fault, meeting Jesse and all that. 

That would make more sense than whatever was really happening.

They got some treats and went back out to the street, looking for somewhere to eat them since the small bakery had no seating. This time, Hanzo looked up a park nearby and showed Jesse.

“Nice,” he said, “lead the way, Hanzo.”

Which he did, not without once again enjoying the sound of his name from Jesse’s mouth. The park wasn’t too far away, but it was incredibly busy. The few tables it had were occupied, but Jesse didn’t seem to mind. Without hesitation, he led the way to an empty patch of grass and took a seat. 

He looked up at Hanzo with a cute smile, patting the grass beside him. Around them, there were other groups or couples sitting in the grass carelessly and Hanzo found himself joining them without another thought. Of course he was going to sit beside this stupidly cute guy who he had spent a greater part of the last 24 hours with, even if that meant potentially getting grass stains on his pants. 

He sat carefully, watching Jesse lay out the paper bag their food had been in as if it was a tray before setting their treats on it. 

“Voila,” he said, “a table.”

Hanzo laughed, “a table, right. You have quite the imagination, Jesse.”

Jesse smiled, blushing a bit as he looked away from Hanzo and at the food. He picked up his chocolate croissant and took a bite, looking out at the park. Hanzo forgot his own food as he watched Jesse, wondering what was going on in his mind then and if he could feel whatever this was as well. He had known this guy for barely a week and yet he felt like he had known him for much much longer.

“Hey, you have to eat too,” Jesse said, looking back at Hanzo, “that’s what we’re doing, remember?”

Hanzo nodded, a little dazed as he picked up his fluffy cheesecake. It was really good, much better than the eggs and toast from earlier. Jesse was watching him, eating his own croissant and silently prodding Hanzo to continue eating his own food. Which he did.

“Good?” Jesse asked, “Just like the stuff from Japan?”

Hanzo rolled his eyes as he finished it off, “I wouldn’t know.”

“Oh,” Jesse said with a frown, “sorry.”

“No, it’s fine,” Hanzo said, “I’ve been to Japan once, for my grandmother’s funeral. I don’t remember having any cheesecake.”

Jesse made an understanding noise, nodding as he looked back out at the park. He was clearly thinking about something, so Hanzo waited for him to speak. It wasn’t too hard, he was enjoying just watching Jesse.

“Your parents are from Japan?” Jesse asked after a moment.

Hanzo nodded, “they met at college over here, and my dad started the business shortly after graduating. The rest is history.”

“That’s pretty cool,” Jesse said, “the real american dream, huh?”

Hanzo shrugged, feeling uncomfortable as he usually did when discussing his father and the business. It wasn’t hard when surrounded by his colleagues and the such, but he worried that being an heir to a business as big as his father’s was a pretty big target on his back. For what? He didn’t know, but he worried anyway.

Now, he just worried that it made him seem too elite for Jesse. They did meet at a party that Jesse was working at, after all. It was clear they were in very different positions, and Hanzo didn’t want to highlight just how privileged he was compared to Jesse. 

Jesse seemed to sense this despite Hanzo’s best attempt to maintain his cool, and he changed the topic. He slipped back into stories about himself and his storied past while Hanzo listened and relaxed. 

After a couple stories Jesse switched gears again and asked, “you don’t like to talk about yourself, huh?”

Hanzo was caught off guard, sitting up a little straighter and looking away from Jesse as he said, “not really.”

“Why?” Jesse asked, shifting his position a bit so he was back in Hanzo’s frame of sight.

“I’m not an interesting person,” Hanzo said with a shrug, avoiding Jesse’s gaze. 

“You’re an heir to a business empire and a future olympic athlete,” Jesse said, “seems interesting to me.”

“I’m not a future olympic athlete,” Hanzo said. “I just wanna compete in worlds.”

“Isn’t that the point of worlds?” Jesse asked.

“And you would know this, why?” Hanzo asked.

Jesse smiled, a little guilty as he said, “I might have looked it up after your comment on New Years.”

Now Hanzo looked at him, a little dumbfounded, “why?”

Jesse shrugged, shifting his position again so he was closer to Hanzo, “I guess I was curious about you.”

Hanzo wanted to ask why again, but his phone started to go off. He wanted to ignore it so badly, he wanted to see how close Jesse was going to get and what would happen when he did. Unfortunately, the sound of the phone ringing had broken whatever spell had been cast upon the two of them at that moment and Jesse started to pack up. 

“I’m assuming that’s important,” Jesse said after Hanzo didn’t answer his phone immediately. 

He wasn’t wrong, it was Hanzo’s father. He took a deep breath, trying to center his mind back into the real world before answering.

“Yes, dad?” Hanzo answered.

“You’ve been gone a while, I wanted to make sure you’re on track with your projects for tomorrow,” his father said.

“Uh, yeah, of course,” Hanzo said, immediately regretting the uncertainty in his voice. 

His father actually laughed, but it didn’t sound like he thought anything was funny as he said, “I think you should probably get back and work on those, Hanzo.”

And with that, he hung up. 

Jesse was watching him as he set his phone on the grass and took a deep breath. All that was going through his mind right then was how stupid he had been all day, throwing away his responsibilities like that just to... 

Just to do whatever this was.

“I have to go,” Hanzo said simply, his voice even as he picked his phone back up and dialled his driver’s number. He avoided Jesse’s gaze as he stood up, dusting off his pants with one hand as he held the phone up to his ear with the other. Jesse stood along with him, not making a move to leave.

Despite the cold shoulder Hanzo was giving him, Jesse didn’t leave as Hanzo told his driver he needed a ride back and gave him the address for the park. Jesse just continued to watch him, concern clear on his face.

“I’m fine,” Hanzo said after he hung up. “I’m just gonna wait for my car here. You don’t have to stay.”

Jesse shrugged, “I have nothing better to do.”

Hanzo wished he would just go so he could be alone with his thoughts, but he said nothing as he made his way back to the street so his driver would see him. He made no comment as Jesse followed him, and pretended not to care about the proximity of Jesse’s arm to his own.

“That was your dad,” Jesse said.

“Yes,” Hanzo said, “I have some stuff that I need to have done before tomorrow. He was worried I had forgotten.”

“You said you had no plans,” Jesse pointed out.

“I did,” Hanzo said, “I guess I did forget.”

Jesse wrinkled his eyebrows, clearly confused and still concerned. “I’m sorry.”

They had reached the street then and Hanzo was watching for his driver, not wanting to look at Jesse in case he fell into that trance again.

“You’re fine, Jesse,” he said. “My responsibilities are my own.”

“I guess,” Jesse said, “Just, uh, feel bad. Don’t want your dad thinking I’m some kind of bad influence.”

Hanzo failed at stopping himself from looking over at Jesse then, he looked so stupidly sincere. It was adorable, if Hanzo was being honest, but the sentiment was funny. As if Hanzo’s dad knew where he was right then, or who he was with. Hanzo was probably going to tell his dad that he had gone out to get something to eat and got distracted. 

“Don’t worry,” Hanzo said, “he doesn’t even know I am with you.”

“Oh,” Jesse said, nodding slowly, “okay. Well. I don’t want you to think I’m a bad influence, either.”

Hanzo’s driver was pulling up, he could see him coming up the street, but now Hanzo wished he would take a little longer as he locked eyes with Jesse. The moment from earlier was back and Hanzo could almost feel something pulling him closer to Jesse.

“You kind of are,” Hanzo said as he took a small step towards him, “but I don’t mind it too much.”

Jesse smiled, the concern gone from his face, leaving just his charming, sincere smile as he said, “that’s good, because I had a lot of fun today.”

“Me too,” Hanzo said with a small smile as his driver pulled up. In the moment, he didn’t think to worry about his driver seeing the two of them standing there and smiling at each other like idiots. After saying goodbye and getting in the car, though, Hanzo could feel his driver’s curious eye.

He just hoped he wouldn’t tell his dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i decide halfway through writing this that i didn't want mccree to go by mccree the entire time bc i think that's awkward and i hate writing it? yes. hope you guys liked this chapter :)


	4. delicate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok ok ok i gotta warn you guys. hanzo gets drunk in this one. this is not what i thought this chapter was going to be, the next one might be a lot longer to catch up bc i thought uh that this would cover the next week or so yknow.... oops. i was stuck so i just put delicate on repeat and forced myself to write something and this happened! i hope u like it anyway :)

_ Is it cool that I said all that?  _

_ Is it chill that you're in my head? _

Going back into the office the next day, with his roughly put together presentation, didn’t quite feel real. After getting home and listening to his father’s harsh comments, Hanzo had sat at his desk for the rest of the day rushing through his work projects. One of them being this presentation he had to give, and he could already feel his father’s disappointed stare before he even entered the conference room. 

But even that didn’t really feel real. 

He awoke this morning to a good morning text from Jesse, which was great but was probably the cause for his current state of dissociation. He hadn’t replied yet, unsure what to say other than good morning back and what would be the point of that. Still, those two words were in his mind as he set up for his presentation in front of his colleagues all joking about some story from the weekend. 

When his dad entered the room, it went quiet as everyone bowed their greeting and gathered around the table. Hanzo continued to stand up front, feeling his father’s gaze as if it was a knife. 

“I’m looking forward to seeing what you’ve been working on, Hanzo,” he said. “You can start.”

Hanzo nodded, thanking his dad before launching into the hastily prepared presentation. It was fine, but it wasn’t up to the Shimada family standards, he knew that. By the time he opened the discussion for questions, his dad didn’t just look disappointed. He also looked genuinely concerned. 

As everyone left, his dad stayed back and approached Hanzo when the room was empty.

“I don’t have to tell you that that was a disappointment, do I?” he asked.

“No,” Hanzo said, looking down, “I’m sorry. It was... a tough weekend.”

“How so?” his father asked, “all you had to do was work on this, if you left to do anything else, it was your choice.”

Hanzo nodded, “yes, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

His dad shook his head, “I don’t understand what’s going on, is it the archery? Is that where you were yesterday as well?”

“No,” Hanzo shook his head, looking up at his father to hopefully show that he was telling the truth. He didn’t want this to be another reason his father looked down on his archery. “I went out for breakfast, as I said.”

His father looked doubtful anyway, “why?”

“I wanted to get out,” Hanzo lied.

“Is our home suffocating you?” he asked.

“No, of course not,” Hanzo assured him, “I just felt... stuck. On the project, that is. I felt that I needed to change my perspective, is all.”

His father nodded slowly, looking closely at Hanzo to try to catch him in the lie. After a moment, he seemed convinced because he let it go. He patted Hanzo on the shoulder, the most fatherly he could be, before saying, “you know I just want you to be your best.”

Hanzo nodded, saying nothing as his dad nodded in reply before leaving. Alone, Hanzo sank down into the chair at the head of the table. He took in his stupid notes and spreadsheets, the information that he had spent the last 24 hours putting together just for it to be a bunch of nothing. He let out a frustrated sigh, he was really losing it clearly.

Still, the main thing on his mind was that good morning text from Jesse so he picked up his phone to reply finally. During the presentation, Jesse had sent another message saying “is it too soon for good morning texts?”

Too soon implied there would be a time when it was not, and they would be expected. Hanzo let that sink in for a moment before tapping the message and typing out a quick reply before he could talk himself out of it.

_ No, good morning. I had a presentation, so I couldn’t reply. _

_ A presentation, are you in school?  _ Jesse replied.

_ Haha. No, I have to do those for work. _

_ That sucks. Did it go well, at least? _

_ Not really. _

_ Oh. Sorry :( _

_ It’s okay, it’s just one presentation. _

That was a lie, it was not okay but he didn’t want Jesse to worry about it. Or anything about his work life, for that matter. It was too weird to discuss it with him, although it did feel nice for someone to care that his presentation didn’t go well and not in the way his father cared.

Someone was now standing right outside the conference room door, watching Hanzo and probably waiting for him to come out to ask him a bunch of questions. Hanzo tucked his phone back into his bag and continued to pack up, feeling the eyes of his colleague the entire time. Once he was done, he was right about the endless list of questions only he could apparently answer.

The day continued like this, hopping from meetings and coworkers with questions until it was time for lunch. Hanzo’s father had an intern go out and grab the office something to eat, much to his discontent because that was his only chance to leave the office. He didn’t let this show though, instead escaping to his office and hoping people would take lunch seriously and leave him alone.

Throughout the day, Hanzo had snuck in messages back and forth with Jesse. It had been nice having someone to talk to all day, it almost felt like trading notes in class. Hanzo would send little grievances he had, which were a lot that day especially since his dad was essentially ignoring him since the presentation. Jesse sent pictures of the places he delivered too, obviously highlighting the point that they were nice places.

For example, as Hanzo shut himself in his office for lunch, he opened a message from Jesse of a high rise office building with a caption that read “three salads, a burger, and two grilled chicken sandwiches along with six americanos”. Hanzo couldn’t help but notice how familiar the building looked, it must be in the same area as his own office.

_ Where are you?  _ He texted, watching his phone anxiously for an answer.

The reply came in a form of a picture of a street sign, a street sign that was a couple blocks down from Hanzo’s office. 

Hanzo stared at the picture for a moment, wanting to jump from his desk and run the couple blocks it would take to arrive at that very street sign. To do that, though, he’d have to get past the open office where people were congregating for lunch and his dad’s office with his windows for walls so he can watch over the office. How would he explain that he was leaving after being basically ordered to stay.

Then what would he do when he got there? What would he say to Jesse, that he just needed to see him for some reason? Were they really at a point where that would be anything but weird?

Before Hanzo could figure it out for himself, Jesse sent another picture of another street sign. The one right outside his building.

Did he know?

It didn’t matter, to Hanzo anyway. He typed quickly  _ you’re right outside _ , before getting up and heading out past the group of people in the office and past his dad’s watchful eyes. No one asked anything as he went for the stairs down, and despite his fears, no one followed him out to the street. 

Jesse was standing beside a bike with this knowing smile, “figured that’s why you wanted to know where I was.”

Hanzo felt his face go red, smiling awkwardly as he approached Jesse. Seeing him, being near him again, made his mind go blank in a good way. 

“Well, I felt like it would be odd if I didn’t say something,” Hanzo lied.

He had actually felt the opposite, but the part of his mind that couldn’t stop thinking about Jesse had taken control. 

Jesse looked a little surprised, “odd if I was nearby and you didn’t see me?”

Hanzo shrugged, “maybe. I mean...”

He trailed off, losing whatever it was he meant by that. Jesse was smiling, but that didn’t stop Hanzo from worrying that perhaps he was wrong. Maybe this was not the expected result, maybe they weren’t at this point in their relationship, if that was even what this was.

“I’m glad,” Jesse said, “I would have been mad, if you had told me later that I was right outside of your office and you didn’t come see me.”

“Oh,” Hanzo said, a small laugh escaping as he felt some of that anxiety start to lift. All that was left was that pleasant buzz and giddiness.

Jesse started to say something else, but they were interrupted by the intern on his way back. Hanzo missed him approaching them, his eyes too glued to Jesse that when the intern greeted him, he was caught off guard.

He took several steps back from Jesse, who he had somehow gotten pretty close to, and turned to greet the intern hoping that his face wasn’t too red and it was obvious what was going on. 

The intern looked a little suspicious, glancing at Jesse and his bike, “did you order something else?”

Jesse looked like he was going to say something, but now Hanzo interrupted him saying, “uh, no. I was...”

Jesse looked confused when Hanzo looked to him desperately for help. He had been hoping Jesse was better at coming up with excuses, but he was clearly as lost as he was.

“Yes,” Hanzo said finally, “you caught me.”

The intern laughed awkwardly, “well, I hope I wasn’t taking too long, Mr. Shimada.”

“No, no,” Hanzo said, “I was just... getting coffee.”

“Hm, I didn’t know you drank coffee,” the intern said.

“It’s a secret,” Hanzo said with a awkward shrug.

The intern nodded, eyes widening a bit, “of course. I am guessing, uh, the other Mr. Shimada doesn’t appreciate it, huh?”

Hanzo nodded, “no. He’s, uh. You know.”

The intern nodded as if he understood, “well, I will leave you to it, Mr. Shimada. Your lunch will be in your office.”

Hanzo nodded, “thanks. I will be up in a minute.”

The intern nodded once more before leaving, entering the building without another glance. The familiar crushing feeling he often felt these days washed over Hanzo as he watched the door shut, the same way he had felt the day before after the call from his dad. 

“You okay?” Jesse asked softly, a reminder to Hanzo that he was still there and had witnessed that entire horrible interaction.

“I am fine,” Hanzo said with a shrug, “I should... get back. My father... he’s going to get suspicious soon.”

“Suspicious of what?” Jesse said, “that you’re down here flirting with a cute delivery guy?”

_ Flirting. _

Hanzo winced, looking at Jesse and his stupid amused smile. How had this stranger gotten into his head so well already?

“I have to go,” Hanzo said.

“I’ll see you later?” Jesse asked.

Hanzo was already at the door, turning around to say “maybe” with a shrug. It was so much easier to brush him off without looking at him, but he mustered up the self control to turn back to the door and enter the building without another thought.

\---

Hanzo was punished for his bad presentation by being forced to stay at the office late, sorting through papers for some receipt or something that his father was convinced would be there. As he pulled yet another folder from the box that had been dropped beside his desk, he couldn’t help but think his dad knew he wouldn’t find it. 

The good part was that the office was nearly empty besides a couple others working late for whatever reason, and his dad. As he worked, he took breaks to talk to Jesse. 

After whatever that was during lunch, Jesse had sent Hanzo a text that said “you didn’t even have coffee” with a laughing emoji. Hanzo couldn’t help but smile at that, his excuse  _ had _ been pretty shallow but the intern hadn’t seemed to notice. Mostly, he was just glad that Jesse was still talking to him after his cold departure.

_ Sorry _ , he had replied,  _ my father was pretty upset about the presentation. I just didn’t want him to have another reason to be upset with me. _

_ You don’t need to apologise _ , Jesse replied,  _ I’m just glad I got to see you. _

So perhaps they were at the point where they could be glad to see each other even for a little bit. 

Now, Hanzo sent Jesse a picture of his half empty box and said,  _ I think I’ll be sleeping here _ . 

_ In the box? Cozy,  _ Jesse replied.

Hanzo rolled his eyes as he replied,  _ haha, so funny. _

_ I am so very sorry you have to sleep in that box,  _ Jesse replied.

Hanzo typed,  _ would be better with you, _ before erasing it and simply sending a smiling emoji. He set his phone aside, opening the folder and going through the papers while thinking about Jesse. He was pretty entranced in the act, especially thinking about Jesse and what he was doing as he texted Hanzo. Was he home yet, and what did that look like? Hanzo was particularly deep in that thought when a knock on his door surprised him. He looked up, embarrassed as if whoever was there could read his mind.

Fortunately they could not, as it was his dad who stood there. “Find anything yet?”

Hanzo shook his head, trying to gather his thoughts back to reality as he stacked the papers neatly back into the folder. “I have a couple folders left, though.”

His dad nodded, watching him closely for a moment before asking, “where’d you go at lunch?”

Hanzo knew he should reply quickly, but nothing came to mind so he faltered for a moment before saying, “I needed some air.”

His father nodded slowly, clearly not believing him, “whatever is going on, Hanzo, I need you to figure it out. Before it becomes a real problem, please.”

He didn’t wait for a reply, just left Hanzo to contemplate that on his own. It was painfully similar to what his coach had told him, and Hanzo couldn’t help but feel like perhaps that was a sign. He couldn’t seem to get more than a moment of ignorant bliss before someone or something would come knocking and bringing him back to his unfortunate reality.

It had felt like the longest day of his life, with the high and lows coming at the rate they were, and he still had half a box of folders. He pulled out another folder, prepared to ignore his phone and get through these so he could go home when his phone went off again. Against his better judgement, he picked it up and was rewarded with a picture of a cup of ramen.

_ And for my dinner... _ the caption read.

_ Are you trying to make me jealous? _

_ Yes. _

_ It’s working. _

Another picture, this time a selfie of Jesse about to eat the ramen. He had this dumb look on his face as he held up a forkful of noodles, it was almost inviting. Hanzo wanted to be there, eating ramen out of cups with Jesse in his apartment, surrounded by his stuff. He didn’t know what that looked like, but he wanted it. He imagined it looked much more cozy than this sterile office, or even his own room back at home. 

_ Too far?  _ Jesse asked after a moment of no response from Hanzo.

_ No. Thanks.  _

_ Thanks? _

_ For the picture. It should give me the energy I need to finish this work. _

_ You’re welcome, glad I could help. Don’t forget to eat something yourself. _

_ One step at a time. _

He didn’t finish the work. Instead, tired of this whole day, he plopped the folder he had just picked up back into the box. He snuck out the back, the service entrance, so his father wouldn’t see him leaving. He would get reprimanded to hell for this later, but right now, he just wanted some ramen.

A couple blocks from the office was a small asian place that seemed to be made for tired businessmen who needed something to eat quickly. Hanzo took a seat and ordered his regular ramen and a drink. He drank his first drink quickly, hoping to get buzzed enough that the guilt that he knew was coming wouldn’t arrive. 

Once his food arrived, he took a picture and sent it to Jesse who responded with a shocked emoji.

_ You just had to go and one up me, huh?  _ He replied.

_ It’s your fault,  _ Hanzo said,  _ you made me want it. _

_ This wasn’t really my intention. _

_ What was?  _ Hanzo was a little passed buzzed at that point, not even eating his ramen as he talked to Jesse. Instead, he kept ordering drinks, enjoying the feeling of drunk ignorance.

_ I guess I was hoping you’d want ramen with me,  _ Jesse replied, making Hanzo’s stomach flip. For a second, he was afraid he was actually going to throw up but it passed. He finally took a bite of his ramen then, contemplating how to respond to Jesse’s preposition.

_ I do,  _ was all he could come up with even in his careless state. He was a little too drunk to type out everything he was thinking, like how he couldn’t get the idea of sitting in Jesse’s cozy apartment with him out of his head. Or that he had wanted it so much, he had disobeyed his father so he could attempt to get it out of his mind. 

How he had thought maybe getting ramen alone would curb some of that wanting a little bit, but it hadn’t. Instead, he was just alone and pretty drunk with an uneaten bowl of ramen in front of him and curious stares from the servers.

_ I just didn’t think we were there yet. _

_ We can be,  _ Jesse replied.

Hanzo just stared at that message for a while, losing track of time until another message came through.

_ You still there? _

_ Yeah,  _ Hanzo replied.

_ Where are you? _

_ Near the office still. _

_ You okay? _

_ Why? _

_ You’re typing like an idiot. _

_ Oh. _

Hanzo looked at the messages he had sent, wincing at the garbled typos. He was really drunk, he guessed. He closed his eyes, trying to collect himself enough to type an intelligent response but he was interrupted by a tap on his shoulder.

“Uh, sir,” the server said, “you okay?”

At some point, Hanzo had laid his head on his table. He sat up straight, reaching into his pocket for his wallet before handing a card to the server instead of responding right away. 

“I’m fine, I’ll be leaving now,” He said, feeling that crushing feeling not far off again. 

The server nodded, taking the card with a worried expression. Hanzo looked to his still full bowl of ramen, probably cold now and let out a heavy sigh. Even drunk he knew how pathetic he looked. He picked his phone back up and saw a string of messages from Jesse.

_ Are you drunk? _

_ Still there? _

_ Hello? _

_ Where are you? _

_??? _

Then three missed calls.

“God,” Hanzo mumbled. How long had he been out? He shook his head, getting up from his seat just as the server was back with his receipt and card. 

“Thanks,” he mumbled as the server handed it to him.

“Do you need a taxi, or anything?” the server asked, concern clear on his face.

“I am fine,” Hanzo said, waving him away, “I have a driver. He’s coming.”

The server nodded, giving him a hesitant smile as he said, “be safe, and good night.”

Hanzo nodded, making his way out of the small restaurant. It was dark, and looking at his phone confirmed that it was definitely late enough that his father should have noticed his absence. Still, he had no calls or texts from him or Genji so maybe not. 

He contemplated going back to the office, pretending he had never left, but considering the fact that he was drunk and all that he didn’t think it would work. He figured his best option was to call his driver, which he was about to do when a car with a little Uber sticker in the window pulled up in front of him.

The back door opened and out came Jesse. Hanzo thought he must be dreaming then, maybe he had actually passed out in the restaurant and this was just some kind of weird hyper realistic alcohol induced dream.

“Hanzo,” Jesse said, looking about as concerned as the server had moments earlier. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Hanzo said slowly, still not believing this was real.

“You stopped replying, I got worried,” Jesse said.

“I, uh,” Hanzo tried to say something but got lost immediately as the realisation that this was not a dream started to sink in. “Shit. Sorry.”

Jesse frowned, “you  _ are _ drunk. Wow.”

“It’s been a long day,” was all Hanzo could say.

“Come here,” Jesse said, stepping forward so he could grab Hanzo’s hand. He pulled him closer, so Hanzo was nearly leaning on him. “Let’s get you home.”

The only thing Hanzo could focus on was every part of his body that Jesse was touching; his arm holding Hanzo around his waist, Hanzo’s shoulder and arm pressed against Jesse’s side, Jesse’s hand placed gently on his waist... It all felt so hot, like he was being branded with Jesse’s touch.

Somehow, he was in the back of the Uber and Jesse was no longer touching him. He couldn’t help but pout, moving himself closer to Jesse as the driver started moving. Jesse didn’t say anything as Hanzo leaned into him, closing his eyes and just enjoying the moment in his drunken stupor. 

“You’re really wasted, huh,” Jesse said after a moment, pushing on Hanzo slightly so he’d be sitting up. 

Hanzo glared at him, mad that he once again was not touching him. In the back of the Uber, the real world felt light years away again and Hanzo didn’t think to be embarrassed as he once again leaned onto Jesse. 

“Hanzo,” Jesse said softly as he once again placed Hanzo upright, “It’s not that this isn’t, uh, great but you’re really drunk. I don’t want you getting the wrong idea of me.”

“I wouldn’t,” Hanzo tried to say, but Jesse shook his head.

“Just trust me on this one, okay?” he said, patting Hanzo’s thigh awkwardly. 

Hanzo didn’t, not then anyway, and he still wouldn’t later as Jesse helped him sneak into his own house and he tried to get him to stay. He wouldn’t really understand why Jesse was being so weird until the next morning, when he would awake with a killer headache and nothing but regret and embarrassment leftover from the night before. 

\---

If Hanzo had been younger, he probably would have been grounded for a month after an incident like that. Instead, what he got was a good chewing out from his dad and a bunch of boring paperwork duty as his punishment. As his father was delivering all of this, Hanzo was also so hungover that every word felt like a gunshot to his head, so that was an added effect along with the immense guilt and embarrassment.

Jesse hadn’t seemed to mind, still sending him a good morning text that morning and more throughout the day. As if nothing had ever happened, and for that Hanzo was incredibly grateful. 

He didn’t really remember anything solid from the night before, but he remembered the ride back with Jesse and how ridiculous he had behaved. If Hanzo had been in Jesse’s position, he didn’t think he’d be so forgiving. Despite that, a part of him thought of those moments and the feeling of being so close to Jesse fondly. He wanted another chance, one where he was not so drunk.

He wouldn’t be getting that anytime soon though, which he warned Jesse of over text. His father was keeping his workload pretty heavy, so much so that Hanzo had to cancel an archery session later in the week. It looked like he was going to be strung up with work for a while, and if he wanted to return to his father’s good grace then he better do it without a single misstep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are gonna get back to archery next chapter btw! that is the core plot here!


	5. fearless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i am so sorry for the wait. like has been hectic, we were told we had to move our entire apartment in two weeks and i work full time and all of those excuses. i hope this stupid, sickeningly sweet and incredibly longer than other chapters chapter makes up for the wait. also, it was incredibly hard to choose just one lyric for this chapter so i'd reccomend searching up the fearless lyrics bc it sums up my idea of mchanzo so well.

_ And I don't know why but with you I'd dance  
In a storm in my best dress  
Fearless _

For about a week, Hanzo’s daily routine is something like this: wake up, go to work, work until around seven, go home and work some more, then go to bed. Somewhere in all that, he maintained constant contact with Jesse. Whatever it was between them was actually something, and it was a nice distraction from the monotonous routine Hanzo had found himself in to please his father. Every once in a while, Jesse would vaguely invite him to do something and Hanzo would force himself to turn it down. He didn’t have the time, and didn’t have any excuses left for his dad.

His trainer was not as forgiving when he finally made it back to the training center for archery practice. It certainly didn’t help that he was late because his father had insisted he finish something before he could leave the house, even though it was just a Saturday.

“Hanzo, nice to finally see you again,” his coach said as he entered the room. It was comforting to be back, almost enough to overshadow the guilt as he apologised to his coach.

“It’s been a tough week at work,” Hanzo said, withholding that the cause of that was completely his own fault. It was probably an easy work week for everyone else, considering how much work Hanzo had been given. 

“I understand,” he said, “but you’re not even going to be considered for worlds if you don’t pick it up.”

Hanzo nodded solemnly, wincing at the mention of worlds, “I know. I am trying.”

His coach looked sad for a moment, chewing on his lip as if he was considering saying something before he just gestured to the floor for Hanzo to get in position. Hanzo nodded, following his direction. It had been too long, he stumbled a bit as he prepared his first shot. 

He winced, looking over at his coach who was shaking his head slowly.

“Don’t pay attention to me,” he said, “just the target.”

Hanzo nodded, mumbling “sorry” before once again lining up his shot. Taking a deep breath, he tried to get back into the zone. Instead of focusing on his father’s growing disappointment, or the sharp look from his coach, Hanzo let the message Jesse had sent him just a moment prior sit in his mind. 

_ Good luck future olympian, _ he had said followed by a red heart emoji. 

That text was what he was thinking about as he aimed and let off an arrow, it was mostly muscle memory anyway. It was a bad shot but the action of doing it awakened something in Hanzo. He felt more comfortable as he lined up his next shot and felt a rush of pride as it landed almost directly in the center.

Despite how much he wanted to, Hanzo didn’t look to see his coach’s reaction. Instead, he lined up another arrow and shot it. He did that one more time before lowering his bow and turning to his coach expectantly. Both of the shots were good, he knew that, but still his heart raced as he waited for his coach’s response.

“That’s why I haven’t dropped you,” he said with a proud smile, “you have the talent, Hanzo, you just need the focus. The drive. Let’s do that again.”

Hanzo couldn’t help but smile as he reached for his arrows, the compliments staying with him as he shot a few more rounds. He was back in the zone now, and by the time his session was over his coach was nearly beaming.

“Hanzo, I was unsure whether to tell you this,” his coach said as Hanzo packed up to leave, “but after that showing... I think you’re ready.”

Hanzo looked at him suspiciously.

“There’s a small meet,” he continued, “with some elites, past and future olympians and there is an open spot. It’s going to be a pretty visible event for scouters, and I think it could put your foot in the door.”

“A competition with olympians?” Hanzo asked, making sure he had understood the preposition correctly. 

His coach nodded, “well, yes. Some of them are, but there are other hopefuls like you too. You’ve been up there before, remember? You’re just as good as them when you focus and work hard.”

Hanzo wasn’t so sure of that, but he pretended to be confident as he nodded his head, “that sounds perfect.”

His coach grinned, “good. I will make the arrangements, but Hanzo? You have to promise me you’ll stay focused and continue to shoot like you did today. Okay?”

Hanzo nodded, knowing he couldn’t really keep that promise but wanting to make it true. His coach gave him a hearty pat on the back before leaving the area, already on his phone as he disappeared through the door.

Once he was alone, Hanzo sat down to see what Jesse had sent him during his session. After a couple short messages about work, Jesse had sent a photo of the training center Hanzo was in along with the eyes emoji. Hanzo couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face as he sent a smile in response before quickly gathering his stuff.

In his excitement, he had forgotten to be anxious until he was right outside of the door leading out onto the street where Jesse stood. He hesitated, remembering the last time he had seen him. What if things were awkward now, despite the week or so of texting back and forth. What if that was not enough to erase the damage Hanzo had drunkenly done that other night.

Knowing he couldn’t just stand by the door fretting over this forever, he took a deep breath before opening it and stepping out. Jesse stood beside his bike, looking at his phone and not paying attention to Hanzo’s entrance. For a moment, Hanzo just watched him. He wasn’t tempted to sneak back into the training center, despite the opportunity. Now that they were close again, the switch in his mind that controlled his usual fight or flight responses was turned off. Instead, he hovered out of Jesse’s attention and enjoyed the sight of Jesse distracted and unaware he was being watched.

“Hey,” he said after a moment, getting Jesse’s attention. He relished in seeing Jesse startle as he looked up to see Hanzo, which he greeted with one of his charming smiles that made Hanzo’s mind turn to mush.

“Was wondering if I scared you off,” Jesse said as Hanzo approached him.

“No, I had to get my stuff together,” Hanzo said, holding up his bag as if that was evidence and he hadn’t just quickly thrown his stuff together.

“Good practice?” Jesse asked as they started walking, with Jesse leading his bike. Hanzo didn’t know where they were going, but he trusted Jesse had some sort of plan so he followed blindly.

“Yeah, I guess,” Hanzo said, “my coach thinks I’m good enough to compete with olympians.”

Jesse looked at him, wide eyed, “oh?”

“He’s going to get me into some exclusive meet,” Hanzo said with a shrug, downplaying his own excitement and nerves over the idea.

“And that means...?” Jesse asked.

“It’s like a little competition, mostly unofficial,” Hanzo explained, “and apparently some big people are gonna be there, could get my foot in the door for worlds.”

“That’s great!” Jesse said, stopping where he was to turn his attention to Hanzo fully. “Are you kidding me? Why aren’t you, like, jumping for joy.”

Hanzo rolled his eyes, “I have never ‘jumped for joy’ in my life. Anyway, I’m not sure I’m really that good, maybe it’s a bad idea. What if I mess it up?”

Jesse frowned, “you told me you wanted to go to worlds, this sounds like the path there. If your coach thinks you're good enough, I know you are.”

“You’ve never even seen me shoot,” Hanzo said.

Jesse shrugged with a smile, “I don’t have to. I can tell, by your aura and your overt modesty. No one who sucks would say they sucked.”

Hanzo shook his head, turning to start walking again but Jesse stopped him. His hand was on Hanzo’s arm and Hanzo couldn’t help but remember the last time it was there, his face burning red from embarrassment. 

He let Jesse turn him so they were facing each other again. “Hanzo, you’re probably amazing and this is great news!” he tried to convince him.

Hanzo nodded. Jesse was right, he knew that somewhere in the back of his anxiety and Jesse clouded mind, but it was hard to admit it when his bad days seemed to outnumber his good days. Jesse was still holding his arm and he focused on that instead.

“Congratulations,” Jesse said, pulling Hanzo in for a hug that took him by surprise. Suddenly, Jesse was surrounding him and he smelled smoky and musty. It was Hanzo’s new favorite scent. He tried not to focus on Jesse’s body being pressed against him, instead he wrapped his own arms around Jesse and took a deep breath before pulling away. 

“What was that for,” Hanzo said, definitely burning red as they stood there on the sidewalk, in the middle of the bustling city.

“People usually hug people they’re proud of,” Jesse said with a small smile, clearly a little nervous himself despite his tan skin hiding whatever blushing he might be doing.

“Well, thanks. I guess,” Hanzo said.

“We should celebrate,” Jesse said, clearing his throat as he kicked up the kickstand on his bike before walking again, “what do you think about some sushi in the park.”

“I think that sounds nice,” Hanzo said, “although I am suspicious that was your plan before I even told you about the meet.”

Jesse grinned, “you’re too smart for me, Hanzo.”

“You’ll just have to try harder,” Hanzo said with a playful smile, the high from the touching and the acknowledgement from his coach and Jesse making him feel almost giddy. 

Thinking about actually competing made his heart race, but he put those thoughts in the back of his mind for now which wasn’t hard around Jesse. Instead, as they walked together to the same sushi place they met the second time, he lost himself in playful conversation with Jesse. It was just so easy being with him, and not even his drunken shenanigans managed to ruin that.

\---

At the park, Jesse skipped the crowd of tables and found an empty tree to set his bike against. Hanzo watched him as he took off his backpack and pulled out a large blanket which he spread out beside his bike. He looked at Hanzo, presenting the blanket as if it was he had just invented something brand new and innovative. 

“Who needs a table, huh?” he asked. “Feeling a little celebratory now, huh?”

Hanzo laughed, shaking his head as he joined Jesse on the blanket, “thank you. I feel very important now, sitting on the ground.”

Jesse grinned, that now familiar sheepish grin that meant he was being sincere. Hanzo liked that grin, he liked all of Jesse’s smiles, but the idea that Hanzo had that sort of effect on this confident charming guy was nice. 

They ate in silence for a moment, but it wasn’t necessarily awkward. It was weird that this was barely the third time they had seen each other, but they already fell into a comfortable silence and when Jesse finally spoke, it didn’t feel forced. He asked Hanzo if he had anything else to do that day.

Hanzo shrugged, knowing he should continue working on the long list of projects his father had given him but not wanting to commit to leaving Jesse any time soon.

“Is that a no?” Jesse asked.

“It’s a ‘depends,’” Hanzo said.

“I was thinking we could do something,” Jesse said, “something more than just,” he gestured to the food, “this. And now we have reason to celebrate. Let’s go out.”

“Out?” Hanzo asked, already knowing his apprehension was just an act. He’d do anything Jesse offered as long as it wasn’t overtly dangerous, or immoral. 

“On the town,” Jesse said with a mischievous grin.

“I don’t know if I’m quite ready to drink around you...” Hanzo said, trailing off to let Jesse hear the implied “again”.

“Oh, no drinking,” Jesse said with a laugh, “not for a little bit, anyway.”

Hanzo blushed, looking away as he once again remembered that embarrassing night that had been playing on repeat for the last week. Jesse didn’t seem bothered, though, as he continued to talk.

“I’m thinking we could go somewhere, to the ocean maybe,” Jesse said, “maybe get some ramen. Together, this time.”

He said that last part with that same sheepish smile, looking at Hanzo expectantly. Hanzo thought his plan sounded nice, so much better than a day spent at home under the watchful gaze of his father and a thousand pointless projects. He let his mind land on an image of the two of them at the beach, just enjoying the atmosphere and the other’s presence, and suddenly it was all he wanted to do with his time.

“I’d like that,” he said. “Ocean and ramen. A picturesque way to celebrate, I guess.”

Jesse grinned, “well then, we better eat quickly.”

“What’s the rush,” Hanzo laughed as Jesse stuffed a piece of sushi in his mouth. He watched as Jesse nearly choked on the bite from laughing, “slow down, we have all day.”

After recovering, Jesse looked at him with a small smile, “you’re right. I should savor this, who knows when I’ll see you next, Mr. busy business man.”

Hanzo shrugged, looking away because Jesse’s gaze suddenly felt overwhelming and because he was “Mr. business man” and he was starting to think he didn’t want to be. Jesse’s hand on his thigh surprised him, bringing his attention back to him.

“You okay?” he asked, “I was just teasing.”

Hanzo nodded, “I’m fine.”

Jesse watched him closely and Hanzo tried to put on a “okay” face to convince Jesse that he was fine, which seemed to work fine enough because Jesse dropped it. He went back to eating, his comforting hand now off of Hanzo’s leg. Hanzo couldn’t help but stare at that hand as Jesse ate, missing the closeness that had almost convinced him that perhaps he was fine.

Jesse finished eating and once again pointed out Hanzo’s still half full tray of sushi, pretending not to be really concerned but Hanzo couldn’t help but notice his sincerity behind his teasing grin. For Jesse, he ate one more piece before they packed up. 

“So, how do you propose we get to the beach?” Hanzo asked before gesturing to Jesse’s bike, “I sure hope you don’t mean for us to bike... there.”

Jesse laughed, “No, I guess not. We’ll have to stop by my apartment to drop it off, we can take the subway.”

“The subway,” Hanzo said with a hesitant tone, trying to remember the last time he had used the subway. He had his driver drive him everywhere since he was a kid, and unlike Genji, he wasn’t one to sneak out and ride the subway downtown on the weekends. 

“I’m going to guess you’ve never been down there, huh?” Jesse laughed. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from the rats.”

Hanzo tried not to react, hoping that Jesse was joking about the rats despite hearing other people refer to these subway rats as well. Jesse just laughed at his pointed non reaction, patting him on the shoulder as he passed him to lead the way.

“You really are a rich kid,” he teased.

Hanzo couldn’t take offence, because he wasn’t wrong. 

“Do you drive?” Jesse asked as they made their way to the subway entrance in the park.

“No, we, uh, have a driver,” Hanzo said, “actually, multiple drivers. My father has his own.”

Jesse raised an eyebrow, “so, you can’t drive yourself and don’t take the subway. Doesn’t that feel... suffocating? You can’t go anywhere without help from someone else.”

“I’ve never thought of it that way,” Hanzo said,. “Anyway, our drivers are always available. I’m never stuck anywhere.”

“Yeah, but they know everywhere you go,” Jesse said, “I don’t know, I’d feel weird about it. That’s why I like the bike, I don’t even have to rely on public transportation wherever I go. It’s not always the city, you know. Could be relying on buses that only run two times a day.”

Hanzo nodded, reminded that Jesse had mentioned living in a bunch of places. He couldn’t help but wonder if the city was temporary, and Jesse would be gone in a month or so. That would track, with Hanzo’s track record of bad luck.

“Also, helps with the whole delivery thing,” Jesse said, patting his bike lovingly as if it was a horse or something. “My trusty steed.”

Hanzo laughed, pushing back the thoughts of Jesse’s eventual departure as they entered the subway station. Immediately, Hanzo was greeted by the assaulting smell, no doubt something had peed somewhere in there. Jesse swiped his way in and handed Hanzo the card, explaining “just swipe and walk through.”

Hanzo hesitated, afraid he would somehow mess up the simple transaction but Jesse watched expectantly. Not wanting to look like a complete idiot, Hanzo did as Jesse instructed and was in. 

He pretended to not be overly proud of himself as he followed Jesse down the platform, not stopping until they reached the end. 

“Don’t want to fight the crowds right at the gates,” Jesse explained, leaning against the far wall. 

Hanzo nodded, standing awkwardly now. He now remembered a time he had been down here, with his mom and Genji on the way home from something. He had been maybe seven, and he couldn’t remember why they were there except maybe they hadn’t had the drivers yet or perhaps his mother had decided to not use them. Like Genji does so often.

He kind of wanted to take a picture or something to show Genji later, proof that he wasn’t as stuck up as his brother thought of him these days. Jesse was on his phone, so Hanzo took out his own and took a quick picture of the dark tunnel.

Embarrassingly, his camera sound was on.

“Wanna remember your first time?” Jesse asked, raising his own phone and pointing it at Hanzo, “Here, let me help.”

“No,” Hanzo said, raising his hands to cover his face as Jesse snapped a couple pictures. Jesse laughed, looking at the photos on his phone as Hanzo stood feeling his face burn bright red. 

“You’re cute,” Jesse said, so quiet you might think he was talking to himself. He looked up at Hanzo, turning his phone around to show him the pictures, “there. Proof that Mr. busy business man has ridden the subway.”

Hanzo stared at the picture, he could see he was smiling despite his best attempts to cover his face. It was an unfamiliar look for Hanzo, and seeing it as if he was seeing himself through Jesse’s eyes was jarring. 

“Delete it,” Hanzo said.

“What, no!” Jesse laughed, pulling his phone to himself as if Hanzo was going to grab it out of his hand, “I’m gonna cherish this picture for the rest of my life, Hanzo. Ten years from now, I’ll still look at it and remember the time I caught you smiling in a subway station on camera. No one will believe me otherwise.”

He said that last part almost wistfully, with a sort of sad smile. Hanzo wondered if that’s really how he saw their future, with Jesse having only a photo to remember this time while Hanzo is... well, Mr. busy business man.

Hanzo joined him by the wall, not leaning on it but standing beside Jesse, “okay, but I need a picture of you.”

Jesse looked at him with this new weird look on his face, something Hanzo couldn’t pin down. He smiled after a moment, “of course. When you introduce  _ me _ to something new and exciting. I’m thinking... caviar?”

Hanzo laughed, letting the awkward moment pass. It was too easy, letting those anxious thoughts filter out of his mind when he was with Jesse. The future didn’t really matter then, all that mattered to Hanzo was the proximity of Jesse as they stood side by side waiting for the subway to arrive. When Jesse leans over to show Hanzo some video on his phone, Hanzo barely sees the video as Jesse’s shoulder leans into his own and when the loud rumbling of the subway fills the space, interrupting the video, Hanzo is more upset that Jesse pulls away than that he couldn’t hear the video.

“Ready?” Jesse asked.

“Yeah,” Hanzo said, somehow meaning so much more than just that he was ready to ride the subway. Jesse smiled as if he could read the hidden message, that Hanzo was ready for anything as long as it was with him.

Despite Jesse’s attempt, the subway was pretty full so the two of them had to stand. Hanzo didn’t think too much of that, he had seen people ride the subway in movies. He went to grab the bar in the center of the floor just as the train started to move, catching him off guard. He stumbled a bit, but Jesse caught him with his hand on his back. Hanzo looked over at him, expecting to see him laughing at him but he wasn’t. Instead, he just smiled supportively as he wrapped his arm around Hanzo’s waist, holding him firmly as the train continued to push them around. 

It was as if everyone else on the crowded train had disappeared, and it was just the two of them looking at each other. Jesse’s smile faltered a bit, his eyes asking Hanzo if this was okay. Hanzo answered by offering him a hesitant smile, not being able to muster up much more.

They stood like that, feeling like the only two people on the train until the train stopped and people began to push by them to get off and on. Jesse didn’t let go of Hanzo, though, as he nudged them towards some empty seats. 

Hanzo almost preferred standing, as Jesse’s arm left his side. He couldn’t help but think of how familiar it was to the other night, but this time he wouldn’t embarrass himself. 

“Fun, right?” Jesse asked, leaning back in the seat.

“Right,” Hanzo said.

Jesse leaned into Hanzo, whispering, “look, there’s a dog.”

Hanzo looked to where Jesse was looking, noticing a little dog stuffed into someone’s purse. He tried to hide his laugh, leaning into Jesse to whisper, “that poor guy.”

“Rescue mission?” Jesse said with a shoulder bump.

“We can’t steal their dog, Jesse,” Hanzo said with a laugh. 

Jesse pouted, pointedly not leaning back as he said, “you’re no fun, Hanzo.”

Hanzo just rolled his eyes, enjoying the playful banter and the small distance between the two of them. They sat like that, whispering everything as if they were sharing secrets even as the topics changed, for the rest of the ride to Jesse’s stop. 

Jesse lived a few blocks away from the stop, which he informs Hanzo is some sort of miracle in his price range. The nerves start to come back as Jesse announces they’re approach, Hanzo wonders if he is going to be invited inside and the thought of going into Jesse’s apartment makes his stomach flip. In a good way.

“Here we are,” Jesse said, jogging ahead a bit to stand with his arms open as if presenting some grand castle. What it really was was another brownstone like every other place on the street, and Hanzo imagined he lived in just one room of it. 

“And here,” Jesse said, leading his bike to the little yard in the front, “is where I park my bike.”

He took out a bike lock from his backpack and locked up his bike to the fence, “I would invite you inside but I’m afraid we’d get too distracted, and we had places to be.”

Hanzo wanted to ask what “too distracted” meant, but Jesse was already on his way. He figured he already knew the answer anyway, and it made his face heat up as he followed Jesse back down from where they came from. 

“You’ll get the grand tour another time,” Jesse said with a wink.

Hanzo tried not to let his mind wander as he followed Jesse back to another subway entrance. He was quickly learning that riding the subway still involved a bit of walking, more than he was used to. He couldn’t help but think it’d be quicker to call his driver, but he also didn’t want his driver knowing where he was, or who he was with, right now. 

This time, they got seats right out the gate as they headed out of the city and towards the beaches. They sat close despite having enough space to spread out, and Jesse casually put his arm on the seat behind Hanzo. Earlier, Hanzo would have froze up at these actions, but now it felt comfortable. Like this was just what they did, sat close enough that their legs were touching while Jesse’s hand casually “fell” on Hanzo’s shoulder. 

It was easy, being with him like this. Like two puzzle pieces clicking together.

After getting off, Jesse continues to lead the way through the beachy section of the city they arrived in. Despite the drastic change in scenery from the hipster-ness of downtown, Jesse still looked at ease as he told Hanzo about the friend that had told him about this place.

“I’ve been here for a couple weeks, you know,” he said, “and another delivery guy was talking about delivering out here and how he found an empty beach front place. No one lives there, so the beach is empty in front of it. Plus, it’s not exactly beach weather, you know?”

Hanzo nods, wondering how many “friends” Jesse had despite being in the city for such a short amount of time. He couldn’t help but be jealous of those strangers who had known Jesse for longer than he had, they were lucky.

It’s a while until they arrive at a small strip of run down looking houses, a stark contrast from the expensive looking beach homes they had passed on the way here. There were a couple for sale signs in the yards, but Hanzo couldn’t imagine wanting to purchase any of these homes. They looked as if they had been abandoned a while ago, and the recent storms that had rolled through the city in the past few years had given them quite a beating with no one to care for them. 

Jesse didn’t hesitate to cross the yard of one of them, stopping to make sure Hanzo was following before taking the overgrown path to the backyard. Hanzo followed his lead, as he had been all day, and didn’t find himself hesitating one bit despite the clear illegalness of this. Normally, he’d be protesting and finding an excuse to get out of trespassing on private property at this point, but he found himself relaxed as he followed Jesse to the empty beach in the back.

Jesse stood, waiting for Hanzo as he stared out at the large expanse of ocean that greeted them. The sight, of both the ocean and Jesse, was truly a beautiful image. Hanzo wanted to capture it in his mind forever, but knew a photo wouldn’t do it justice so he stopped for a moment to really take it all in before joining Jesse’s side.

“Nice, huh?” Jesse asked, “I think this might be my first time seeing the Atlantic.”

“Oh?” Hanzo asked, “don’t all ocean’s look the same?”

Jesse looked at him incredulously, “I know it’s different, doesn’t that matter?”

“Well, I’ve never seen the pacific,” Hanzo said, “so maybe they do. What do you think?”

He looked back at the water for a moment before looking back at Hanzo with a sheepish smile, “I don’t know, but I do know that I like this one better.”

“Why?” Hanzo asked.

“Because you’re here,” he said, breaking out into a grin at his own cheesy line.

Hanzo rolled his eyes, pretending to be annoyed. In reality, he nearly swooned at the sentiment. Maybe it was just a cheesy line, but he kind of felt the same way without having ever seen the pacific.

“Come on,” Jesse said, taking Hanzo’s hand and pulling him towards the water. He stopped a couple feet away from the waves lapping at the shore, leaving a visible mark of wet sand before disappearing back into the ocean.

“Please don’t tell me you’re going to go in,” Hanzo said as Jesse kneeled to pull off his boots. “It’s gotta be freezing.”

“Why are we here, if not to get our toes a little wet?” Jesse asked.

He had a point, but Hanzo wasn’t too sure of this plan. He was imagining they’d sit on the sand and talk or something, his mind had wandered further but he wasn’t letting himself get carried away. Jesse stood, now shoeless with his jeans rolled up a bit, and stared at Hanzo expectantly.

That one look, with Jesse’s excited little smile and sparkling eyes, was enough to get Hanzo kneeling in the sand himself now. As he undid his shoes, he couldn’t help but think that he’d have to get them cleaned before his dad noticed the sand scuffs all over them. The thought only lasted for a moment though, as he heard Jesse let out a little yelp. 

He looked up to see him jumping back from the cold ocean water, a big grin on his face as he caught Hanzo’s eyes. The want to be closer to this stupid guy overtook him as he quickly took his shoes off, rolling up his own pants a bit, before jogging up to join Jesse.

Jesse took his hand, looking to him sheepishly as he said, “it is cold.”

Hanzo laughed, amused just as the water returned and surprised the two of them as it washed over their feet. Hanzo jumped back, not letting go of Jesse’s hand. Jesse tried to stay put, but the soft sand gave under his feet easily and the two of them came crashing down. 

Now it was Hanzo’s turn to let out a little yelp as he landed on the wet sand, but the feeling of the moist sand seeping through his pants barely registered as he listened to Jesse’s laughter. It was intoxicating and soon enough he was laughing too, and when Jesse pulled Hanzo towards him, he didn’t object despite the mess of sand everywhere. 

And when the water returned, he didn’t even feel the cold as Jesse wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him even closer. They were sitting in the ocean, water coming up over their legs when Jesse closed the gap between the two of them.

Hanzo, no longer in control of his own actions, met him halfway and it was like the two of them disappeared into the clouds as their lips met. The ocean was gone and all Hanzo could feel was Jesse on him everywhere, his lips on his own, his arms around Hanzo’s waist, and their legs tangled together.

Hanzo didn’t know what kisses were supposed to feel like, but he couldn’t imagine they got any better than that. He felt his own hands moving to Jesse’s face as the kiss moved from playful, innocent, first kiss to something more. Jesse pulled him in even closer, till he was basically sitting on him, and every part of their bodies was touching. 

Somehow it didn’t feel like enough, as Hanzo wrapped his arms around Jesse to deepen the kiss while pressing his body against Jesse’s. 

It was a lot, and Hanzo didn’t want it to end ever but you have to breathe sometime and when he did, the rest of the world came back. It was cold, incredibly cold, and he was shivering all over. Jesse was too, but he was laughing despite it. 

He looked so stupidly beautiful, up close like this. Hanzo moved in to kiss him again, which he accepted but it wasn’t as intense anymore. As the water once again washed over them, higher this time as the sun set, they both clearly felt it. 

“We should get going,” Jesse said breathlessly, “we’ll die out here like this.”

“Not a bad way to die,” Hanzo muttered, kissing Jesse again quickly before Jesse playfully pushed him away.

“I’d rather live to see some more of this,” Jesse said, preparing to stand, “come on. Let’s see if they left us any towels.”

And because this was Jesse and he had this sort of power over Hanzo, he barely even registered the implication that they would be breaking into the abandoned house. He was still sort of dazed by the whole kissing thing as he followed Jesse back up the beach and to the back porch of the house. 

The door opened with ease and Jesse led the way into the abandoned house. It was surprisingly light because of the many windows, and despite being clearly unoccupied for a while, it looked pretty decent. 

“If there were towels, they’d probably be in a closet by the door,” Hanzo said, “for easy access after the beach, I’d assume.”

“Hm,” Jesse said, opening the closest closet. Sure enough there was a single towel, still folded neatly. 

“Kind of creepy,” Jesse said as he took it out and sniffed it, “if I’m being honest.”

“It was your idea,” Hanzo said playfully.

Jesse shrugged, unfolding the towel and shaking it out a bit as he said, “so, you’re hesitant to get into water, but breaking into a house... no problem?”

He handed the towel to Hanzo as he waited for a response that Hanzo didn’t have, how could he tell him that he would do anything as long as it was Jesse leading the way or that kissing him had thrown him into a sort of trance that felt so incredible he never wanted it to end. If breaking into a house meant more time with Jesse, he would do it without hesitation.

Instead of saying any of that, he just shrugged and offered a small smile that he hoped sent a similar message. He dried himself off as best as he could before handing the towel back to Jesse and putting back on his shoes. 

“Hey, uh,” Jesse started, pulling Hanzo’s attention away from his scuffed shoes. He was standing with the towel in his hand, feet still bare, looking a little awkward as he continued, “I really like you, Hanzo.”

Hanzo waited for the “but” he thought was coming, as that crushing feeling loomed over him. This was it, somehow he had messed up and ruined it all. Was he a bad kisser? Was it obvious how smitten he was with Jesse and that had scared him away?

They were silent for a moment and no “but” ever came, instead Jesse’s face creased with worry as they stared at each other.

“Oh,” was all Hanzo could say when he realised that was it, there was nothing more. Jesse was just telling him he liked him, that whatever this was meant something to him. That Hanzo meant something to him.

“I, uhm, really like you too,” Hanzo said, standing up. “There is no one else I’d walk into a freezing ocean with.”

Jesse grinned, a full face real grin, as he stepped towards Hanzo and took his face into his hands. “Hanzo, I think I might fall in love with you.”

“I wouldn’t recommend that,” Hanzo said quietly before closing the gap. Hanzo could feel Jesse smiling into the kiss before nibbling at Hanzo’s lip. 

Hanzo had never kissed anyone before today, and here he was making out with Jesse in an abandoned beach house with the sound of the waves in the background. It was unreal and the greatest day he had ever had, which is all he thought about as they kissed in that hallway and afterwards as they snuck out of the house and walked a short distance to a little hut of a restaurant. It wasn’t ramen, but that didn’t matter as they sat beside each other and snuck kisses in between bites.

On the empty subway ride back to the city, they were so close they were nearly on top of each other. They rode in a comfortable silence, with Jesse absentmindedly messing with Hanzo’s now messy hair as he looked at his phone, showing something to Hanzo every so often. All the while, Hanzo didn’t think about his father’s reaction when he would arrive home after dinner or the work he’d have to cram in before work tomorrow.    
Right then, on the subway with Jesse, all of his constant fears seemed far away and unimportant and for now, that was enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can't promise a quick update because i'm moving and going on vacation in the next couple weeks so, cherish this one while you can.


	6. treacherous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still alive!!! i hope you enjoy this entirely too long chapter, which i'll pretend is why it took me so long as if I didn't write this all in two days! one last thing: pls listen to all of treacherous, every lyrics applies so beautifully to this fic and the concept of mchanzo *face w hearts emoji*

_Put your lips close to mine, as long as they don't touch_   
_Out of focus, eye to eye, 'til the gravity's too much_   
_And I'll do anything you say, if you say it with your hands_   
_And I'd be smart to walk away, but you're quicksand_

Memories of their beach day kept Hanzo energized as the rest of the work week rolled by. After showing up late and smelling of salt water, his father had increased the pressure on him but he didn’t mind it as much. As he worked his way through the endless list of tasks and meetings, he thought of kissing Jesse in the water, on the subway, and in the restaurant by the beach. He worked with one goal on his mind: to see Jesse and kiss him again and again and again.

He was working in his office, proof reading some files before sending them off to wherever they needed to be when a knock at his door stole his attention. Expecting to see his father, Hanzo was surprised to see Genji. He rarely showed up to the office these days.

“Genji,” Hanzo greeted him, sitting up straighter, “what are you doing here?”

Genji shrugged casually, taking Hanzo’s greeting as an invitation and entering the room. He looked around for a moment before taking a seat in one of the chairs against the wall. 

“I hardly see you at home anymore,” Genji said, “figured I had to catch you at work.”

Hanzo gave him a suspicious look, “is there something you want to talk about?”

“Well, why does dad have you working around the clock, for starters,” Genji said.

“We have a lot of work,” Hanzo said, “which you would know if you bothered to show up to meetings, or anything.”

“Hey, I show up to stuff,” Genji said, “just not stuff that doesn’t directly pertain to me.”

“And the business that you’re in line to own doesn’t?” Hanzo said, rolling his eyes. Sure, Hanzo was directly in line to run the place but Genji wasn’t no one. He’d have a part in the business alongside him, a small one anyway. He didn’t want Genji to sour his mood, but his constant annoyance over his brother’s disregard for this sort of stuff was too strong.

Genji just shrugged, “so, you’re telling me that you’re at the office all hours of the day AND working at your desk when you  _ are _ home, purely because you want to get this work done.”

“I guess you wouldn’t understand,” Hanzo said, “but when work needs to be done, there really isn’t any option between doing it or not.”

Genji frowned, clearly annoyed with the direction this conversation was going and just cutting to the chase, “where’d you go Sunday?”

Hanzo, having already received this line of questioning, didn’t flinch as he responded, “I went to practice and then wanted to get out of town for a little bit. Work is hard, as you said, I needed a break.”

“Alone?” Genji asked.

Hanzo nodded, looking back at his computer and mentalling kicking himself for it. A clear sign of him lying.

Genji actually smiled, “Han, you have to realise I know you enough to know when you’re lying.”

“Why do you care?” Hanzo asked.

Genji shrugged, “I guess it’d be nice to know that my perfect brother was human after all.”

“I am,” Hanzo said sharply, “and like a human, I needed a break. Some time to  _ myself _ . That’s all. I have work to do.”

He turned away from Genji, pointedly staring at his screen and hoping Genji would leave. In the corner of his eye, he could see Genji watching him closely. It didn’t really matter if Genji knew about Jesse, other than having to endure his teasing about it, but Hanzo wanted to keep it a secret anyway. It didn’t feel right, mixing whatever this thing with Jesse was with his real life. 

It wouldn’t feel as magical, Hanzo thought.

Then, his phone went off beside his keyboard and, momentarily forgetting that Genji was watching him, he picked it up to see a text from Jesse. It simply said “miss you” with a kissing emoji, but Hanzo couldn’t stop the smile that took over his face.

“Who’s that,” Genji practically sang, harshly reminding Hanzo of his presence. 

“It’s nothing,” Hanzo put his phone back down, “can you please leave, I have a lot of work to do.”

Genji frowned, but obeyed. At the door he paused, turning back to Hanzo to say, “whatever that was, it’s okay. It’s okay to have feelings, Han. I’m happy for you.”

Hanzo didn’t even look up at Genji as he waited for a moment before slipping out the door, shutting it behind him. Once he was gone, Hanzo closed his eyes and rested his head on his desk for a moment wishing hard that this was easier. That he could just be with Jesse and feel that bliss without the constant scrutiny from those around him. After a moment, he picked up his phone to reply to Jesse.

_ I miss you too. _

Then he went back to work.

\---

Since being invited to the meet, Hanzo upped his practice sessions to twice a week. Even that wasn’t even close to how often real olympians trained, but it was all Hanzo could muster up with all the work he had. Hanzo almost didn’t even add the second session, worried that it would mean even less of a chance that he’d see Jesse again anytime soon but Jesse insisted he do it. He was right of course, but Hanzo’s judgement was impaired from the memories of the beach.

Of course, it wasn’t so easy to get away from work for these sessions. Hanzo was late again to his first one because his father handed him some extra work as he was packing up for the day. When Hanzo had explained that he had a training session, his father just made a curt comment about his priorities which of course meant that Hanzo had no choice but to stay a little longer to finish up the work.

By the time he got to the training center, he only had an hour of his session left. 

“Hanzo, would you like to explain what your priorities are?” his coach asked him after the session, as they packed up to leave. It hadn’t been a bad practice, Hanzo had performed as well as he had the other day but he understood the question. It wasn’t that he was a bad archer, more that he couldn’t keep track of his schedule.

“I want to improve,” Hanzo said, “and go to worlds, yes.”

“But it’s not your top priority, I can tell,” he said, almost more sad than disappointed, “Hanzo, there are thousands of archers who want this and put it as their top priority. I coach some of them, and they’ll be at that meet with their game faces on. They will probably show up an hour early to get in extra practice time, and here I am worried that  _ you _ won’t even be there on time.”

“It’s just my father, the business,” Hanzo trailed off, unsure how else to explain that this was his top priority but it wasn’t his fathers.

“You’re an adult, Hanzo,” he said, “you can choose your priorities. I just want you to consider this, okay? If this isn’t your top priority, I can’t promise you’ll go anywhere and I really want you to. You have the talent, you just need the dedication.”

Hanzo nodded solemnly, “I will. Thank you.”

“No, thank you,” he said, his demeanor changing from the serious coach to the warm friend, “it’s such a joy to watch you every week. I know you have what it takes.”

He gave him a hearty pat on the shoulder before leaving him alone. Hanzo stared at the targets he had just been shooting, trying to picture the same ones at the meet he’d be at in a handful of weeks. 

The heavy crushing feeling was threatening to push him back, away from this chance. He just didn’t see a universe where he didn’t mess this up, where the stress from his home and work life didn’t cause him to drop the ball in front of all those highly skilled archers and his coach. He closed his eyes and all he could see was the disappointment and embarrassment that would be on his coach’s face after an abysmal showing at the meet.

Then his phone went off and he was brought back to the real world, and Jesse. It wasn’t just Jesse trying to reach him, though. It was also Genji telling him that their father was asking for Hanzo. The text from Jesse said “anything planned after practice?”. 

Why did it feel like everything in his life was a choice between his family and what he wanted? 

He didn’t reply to either text, instead he packed up his gym bag and went out to meet his driver in front of the building. His driver was not there yet, which annoyed him, but the annoyance was short lived as he heard a familiar and much missed voice say “well, howdy there darling.”

Hanzo infamously did not like surprises because he never knew how to react, but in this case, his heart took over. He only felt pure joy as he turned to see Jesse standing beside his bike with his charming smile that quickly turned to a true grin at the sight of Hanzo. Momentarily forgetting where he was, or who he was, Hanzo quickly approached Jesse who met him in the middle and greeted him with a long kiss. 

After a moment of mind numbing bliss, Hanzo remembered to feel anxious about being seen especially since his driver should be here any minute now. He took a step back from Jesse, looking around anxiously before saying, “hi.”

Jesse grinned, “hey. You didn’t reply.”

“Oh,” Hanzo said, remembering the text and groaning, “I can’t... I have stuff. My father... He’s waiting for me.”

Jesse frowned, “is it important?”

Hanzo nodded slowly, not wanting to say or do any of this. That dumb part of his mind was screaming at him to throw away those responsibilities and get on Jesse’s bike and ride far far away from here. Maybe back to the beach. That would be nice.

But the sane part of him was still there and it was controlling his mouth now, “we have a lot of work, we’re preparing for some big stuff. I’m sure... you understand.”

Jesse nodded with a look that made Hanzo want to stab himself for causing, “yeah, of course. Can I... take you home?”

Hanzo hesitated, there wasn’t anything wrong with that despite the whole driver on his way thing, but he could just call and cancel. He’d much rather take this small amount of time to be with Jesse.

“Sure,” Hanzo said, “I’d love that.’

Jesse’s smile was back as he said, “sweet. I’ll take every moment I can.”

Hanzo couldn’t help but want to ask why, but he kept his doubts to himself. He knew why he liked being around Jesse, how could he not? But whatever it was that made Jesse like him so much was a mystery, especially since he kept brushing him off for work.

As Hanzo texted his driver that he would be walking home, the two of them started on their way. 

“How’d practice go?” Jesse asked, walking so close to Hanzo that their shoulders kept bumping. Hanzo kind of wanted to hold his hand, but they were occupied pushing his bike beside him. 

“It was good, mostly,” Hanzo said with a shrug, hoping that Jesse wouldn’t ask any further.

He, of course, did ask, “mostly?”

“Well, I was late,” Hanzo said, “again. I think my coach is doubting me.”

“Work?” Jesse asked, looking over at him sympathetically. Hanzo had told him all about the extra work he had been given, not going into much detail as he wanted to keep these two parts of his life separate, but enough detail to explain why he wasn’t spending every single day with him.

“What else?” Hanzo said bitterly.

Jesse shook his head, looking annoyed for a second before saying, “doesn’t your father know how important this is to you?”

Hanzo said nothing, not liking the annoyance in Jesse’s voice or the fact that the answer was no. He barely talked to his dad about his archery, and when he did, it never ended well. To his father, his top priority was the business and everything else was a useless “hobby”. 

“I’m sorry,” Jesse apologized, recognizing Hanzo’s silence. “I just... want you to be happy, is all.”

Hanzo looked at him, watching his face curiously. He looked so genuinely worried, with anxiety creasing his forehead as he looked ahead. Once again, Hanzo couldn’t help but think how unworthy he was of any of this. Why did this guy care so much about him?

“I am,” Hanzo said quietly, bumping his shoulder into Jesse’s. The action brought Jesse back from wherever he was, turning his head to smile at Hanzo.

“Good,” he said.

“How was work?” Hanzo asked, desperate to change the subject and get back into safe territory. The kind of territory where Jesse’s smile was hard to get rid of.

“Oh, the usual,” he said with a mischievous smile before launching into a story of a customer and their missing banana bread. They ended up walking the whole way to Hanzo’s neighborhood, despite it being a forty five minute walk. Hanzo barely even noticed it though, as he was deep into the conversation with Jesse. After the rough start, they slipped back into their comfortable playful banter that Hanzo was growing increasingly fond of.

Being back in his neighborhood casted a bit of a shadow over their conversation though, as they passed the familiar sights that reminded Hanzo that he was back in his family’s territory. He built some space between the two of them as they approached the sign welcoming them to the upscale community that he called home. 

“Here we are,” Hanzo said, not being able to control the remorse in his voice.

“About time,” Jesse said with a wink, “was starting to think you didn’t even live in the city.”

Hanzo rolled his eyes, looking awkwardly up the street he lived on, “I should...”

Jesse nodded, his smile faltering a bit as he said, “of course.”

“I’ll text you,” Hanzo said, stalling.

“Not if I text you first,” Jesse said, “and I will.”

Hanzo smiled as he watched Jesse pull out his phone, typing something quickly before Hanzo’s own phone buzzed in his pocket.

“Don’t read it yet,” Jesse said, “wait till you get home. I want you to have something good to come home to.”

Hanzo couldn’t even reply to that, feeling the weight of Jesse’s intentions heavy on his heart. How did someone know him so well after just a few weeks? It didn’t seem possible, but it felt good. Too good, if Hanzo was being honest. 

Jesse smiled, and for a moment Hanzo was afraid he would try to kiss him but he didn’t. Instead, he just kicked him playfully before saying “goodbye, darling” and leaving Hanzo alone by the big sign welcoming him back to his real life. 

The walk up to his house felt a lot longer than the walk with Jesse, despite it barely being three minutes. At his driveway, he paused to check his phone before remembering what Jesse had said. Whatever his father had said to him on the way there was unimportant, he was sure he’d hear it soon anyway.

Inside, Hanzo found his father, Genji, and some of their coworkers sitting in the formal living room. Genji looked bored out of his mind, typing something on his phone while nodding mindlessly to whatever his dad was saying right then.

Hanzo stood in the doorway, enjoying his invisibility for a moment before Genji finally looked up and noticed him. 

“Oh, look who finally showed up,” he said with a small smile.

Everyone grew quiet and looked over to Hanzo, who was noticeably still in his practice clothes. His father gave him a look that was both disappointed and dismissive before going back to what he was saying. 

Genji stood up, clearly taking Hanzo’s arrival as his cue to leave. First, though, he stopped by Hanzo and whispered, “dad’s on a roll, I’d be careful if I were you.”

Hanzo frowned, but said nothing as Genji slipped out of the room and down the hallway. Hanzo watched him, envious as usual of his carefree existence, before joining the rest of them in the living room. His dad shot him a stern look as he took Genji’s seat.

“You look like you ran here,” he said, breaking from whatever he was telling the guys, “but yet it took you like an hour. Practice ended at four, I thought?”

“I’m sorry,” Hanzo said, feeling the watchful eyes of his coworkers and getting embarrassed by his disheveled appearance. “I’ll go freshen up.”

He stood up as his father said, “if you hadn’t cancelled on your driver, you wouldn’t have had this problem.”

Hanzo froze, fear slicing through him like a knife. Of course his driver had told his father, and now he was going to want to know why. 

“Go on, freshen up,” his father said, waving him away before resuming his conversation with the other guys. Hanzo did as he was told, slipping out of the living room and heading up to his own room. 

In his room, Hanzo remembers Jesse’s message. He definitely needed it now, he thought as he took out his phone and sat down at his desk covered with paperwork that barely meant anything to him anymore. The text sat there at the top of his notifications causing his heart to stop as he stared at it. 

_ I think I might be falling in love with you. _

There’s more that he probably wrote after leaving Hanzo by the sign, and Hanzo has to take breaks as he reads Jesse’s words. It’s a lot to take in after spending barely a week with a guy, but it doesn’t necessarily feel wrong. It feels incredibly right, actually.

_ Before you say anything, I know I’m crazy. I just think you might be the greatest guy I have ever met and every second I am with you feels like the greatest moment of my life. You deserve the world, Hanzo, and I want to prove that to you over and over again.  _

Getting dressed and going back downstairs doesn’t really feel like an option after Hanzo reads the two texts over and over again until words fail to lose meaning. He tossed his phone on his bed, leaning back in his desk chair so that the front two feet leave the floor. He stays like that, staring at the ceiling and repeating those words over and over again in his head until he starts to believe it.

He’s interrupted by a knock on his door that causes him to jump, anxiety washing over him as if whoever was on the other side of his door could read his mind. He took a deep breath before calling out “one moment”. He had to at least pretend he was getting changed this whole time.

He threw on some plain clothes before opening the door to his father standing there, his arms crossed and disapproval clear on his face. 

“I’m sorry, I was about to come down,” Hanzo lied.

“You said practice was until four,” his father said. “You show up at five thirty after cancelling your car and I’m supposed to accept that? You’ve been acting off, Hanzo. I can’t have this sort of unpredictability when we’re going through this with the business. Do you realize how important this is, Hanzo?”

Hanzo nodded wordlessly, looking down solemnly and hoping his shame was apparent to his father. 

“Everyone has left,” he said, “but I want you here when we have company, you’re just as important as I am to this business. You should be here.”

Hanzo nodded again, looking up at his father now as he said, “I understand. I don’t have a good explanation for being late, I promise it won’t happen again.”

“It can’t,” his father said, his face changing to a sort of fatherly sympathy, “I just want you to succeed, Hanzo. I love you.”

Hanzo nodded, “I love you too, father.”

“Now get back to work, I’ll fill you in during dinner,” he said, giving him a pat on the shoulder before heading down the hallway to his own room. 

Hanzo shut his door and stood there, thinking about the text and his father and his coaches speech. Happiness was starting to feel like an impossible goal.

\---

After dinner, Hanzo sat down to finally reply to Jesse. After the interaction with his father, he didn’t know how to respond to Jesse’s confession. It would be rude of him to pretend to be able to return his affection, but every single part of him wanted to tell him the same despite how crazy that was. He couldn’t be falling in love with the guy, he barely knew him.

But then, why did the thought of never seeing him again make him want to jump out a window? Why could he not think of a future without him? A future without his constant texts of reassuring words or funny stories. He wanted so much to just fall into that, despite how unrealistic it all was.

Instead, he typed  _ you’re right, you are crazy  _ and waited for what felt like an eternity for a response. 

_ Crazy for you,  _ Jesse responded.

_ Shut up,  _ Hanzo typed, rolling his eyes.

_ Only if you want me to. _

_ I do. _

_ :( _

_ We’ve been on one date and that didn’t really count.  _

_ Well, the heart wants what it wants, darling. _

_ Tell your heart it doesn’t want me _

_ Oh, but it does. And so do I. _

Hanzo stopped responding, just stared at the conversation. It was stupid, like a couple teenagers in lust. He knew that, logically, but it still made his heart skip a beat. It still made him smile against his will.

_ Let me take you on another date, _ Jesse said after a moment.

Hanzo hesitated, he didn’t have time for another date. He barely had time for the first one, and still received quite a bit of backlash from Genji and his father. He didn’t know how he’d fit more time in with Jesse without causing more suspicion, but still he found himself replying  _ okay _ .

_ Just tell me when :), _ Jesse responded. 

\---

It’s another couple of days before Hanzo finds the time for Jesse’s second date, and perhaps their first “real” one. It was after his second practice session, which he was on time for. After a couple days of full focus on work, his father had rewarded him with an afternoon off. Maybe he finally realised the toll it was taking on Hanzo, or maybe he just ran out of things for him to do. Either way, Hanzo was buzzing all over as he waiting outside of the training center for Jesse. He had taken the time to change into something a little more “dressy” after practice, leaving his gym bag in a locker. 

Jesse, of course, refused to tell him what they were doing. So, Hanzo went for a casual “date night” look, or what he imagined people wore on dates. He would never admit he had taken some inspiration from Genji, who had spent a lot more of his adolescence actually dating compared to Hanzo. 

Hanzo tries not to look too eager when he finally catches Jesse approaching from down the sidewalk. He looks... stupid cute. He barely looks more dressed up than usual, but he had his usual plaid flannel looking recently ironed and buttoned up for the occasion. Judging from what he knew of Jesse, Hanzo figured that was him putting in the whole nine yards.

Hanzo stepped out of the awning of the training center, smiling as Jesse approached him. Hanzo’s stomach did a couple flips as Jesse caught his eye, getting this dumb smile as he took in Hanzo.

“Look at you,” Jesse said, looking a little dumb founded, “is this what a real date gets me?”

Hanzo felt himself turning red from the attention, shrugging as he said, “I guess. You don’t look too bad yourself.”

Jesse grinned, “oh, well, I know that.”

Hanzo laughed, rolling his eyes. “I’m gonna take it back.”

Jesse pouted, taking Hanzo’s hand, “but I know you meant it.”

Hanzo smiled, “I did. Now are you going to tell me where we’re going.”

“You don’t get surprises often, do you?” Jesse said, not letting go of Hanzo’s hand as he led the way uptown. “The point is that you don’t know until you do, and then all the suspense built up makes you like it more than if I just told you.”

“So, it’s a scam?” Hanzo said. “To fool me into liking whatever it is you’re dragging me to?”

“You really are too smart for me, Hanzo,” Jesse said.

They walk a little more in silence. Hanzo just relished in the feeling of his hand enclosed in Jesse’s, and the general closeness of him. It felt just like the beach trip, except this time he had no idea where they were going. The suspense would normally be killing him, but knowing that it was Jesse leading the way helped. Just like how it had helped him follow Jesse to the beach.

Finally Jesse slowed down, letting go of Hanzo’s hand to stand in front of him. “Here we are!”

Hanzo looked around, eyes settled on the sign in the nearest window. “Shooting Range” it read. 

“Wait, are we going to a shooting range?” Hanzo asked, confused. “I just spent two hours shooting.”

“Shooting  _ arrows _ ,” Jesse said with a smile, taking Hanzo’s hand as he led the way up to the door, “these are the real deal.”

Hanzo shot him an insulted look.

“Not what I meant,” Jesse apologised, “I just mean it’s a shooting range for guns. We both know you’re good at aiming, but what you don’t know is that so am I.”

“What?” Hanzo asked, following Jesse into the building. It was a far stretch from the training center Hanzo had just left, the aesthetic could only be described as cold compared to the warmth of his training center. He was still hesitant, and confused, as Jesse spoke to the person at the counter. Their rapor told Hanzo that Jesse was a regular here, partially explaining his comment moments earlier.

“Since it’s your first time, we gotta go through the whole safety thing,” Jesse said with an eye roll, as if he thought that that was nonsense. Since Hanzo had never shot a real gun, it only seemed fair to him.

“Are you going to explain to me why we’re here?” Hanzo asked after they were finally alone moments later, after the whole safety speel and Jesse insisting that he could teach Hanzo himself. 

“Well, back home,” Jesse said, pausing thoughtfully for a moment, “I mean, where I’m from, let’s just say I got a little comfortable with a gun.”

“I’m supposed to not react to that?” Hanzo asked, trying not to focus on the gun sitting on a surface behind Jesse. Shooting arrows was one thing, but Hanzo only knew guns as weapons. 

“You can,” Jesse said with a shrug, clearly pretending to be nonchalant about it despite the worry Hanzo could see on his face.

“Okay,” Hanzo said, “I trust you.”

Jesse looked caught off guard by Hanzo’s immediate acceptance, staring at him incredulously for a moment before a smile broke out on his face. “Thanks. I thought since you’re a soon to be olympic archer, I’d show you my skills. And maybe teach you a little.”

Hanzo nodded, letting Jesse’s genuine smile relax him a bit as he approached the window. It was like what you would see on a cop show, a line of targets facing small windows for them to shoot from. 

“Well, show me,” Hanzo said after a moment, turning to Jesse and leaning up against the window. 

Jesse smiled nervously, “don’t get too excited, okay?”

Hanzo rolled his eyes. He took a deep breath as Jesse picked up the gun he had been staring at earlier. He didn’t know anything about shooting guns, so he didn’t really know what Jesse was doing as he lined up the shot and a loud bang rang out. Hanzo was glad for the earmuffs they had been given.

Jesse’s shot was, of course, perfect. 

“Well, it’s easier to aim a gun than an arrow,” Hanzo said, “especially in a controlled space with no wind.”

Jesse shook his head, tapping some buttons that caused two more targets to appear. They all started to move erratically and Hanzo watched as Jesse shot off three quick shots before pressing another button that caused them to stop moving. Hanzo looked closely at the targets, all of them with perfect holes in the “head”. 

“Okay, I’m not getting on your bad side,” Hanzo said, a little afraid but also attracted to this side of Jesse. 

Jesse grinned, “let me teach you now.”

Hanzo had to admit, although he wouldn’t have chosen this date himself, it did have a lot of excuses for Jesse to get awfully close to him. As he guided Hanzo through each step, he stood close behind him guiding his hands. Something about the intimacy of the closeness and the danger of the situation was exciting. Hanzo’s mind was fried by the time he actually shot the gun, missing the target completely.

Hanzo blushed as Jesse laughed at him, “shut up.”

“It’s your first time,” Jesse said, coming back up behind Hanzo, “I expected that to happen.”

“You’re not really helping,” Hanzo said as Jesse reached around him again. This time, Jesse took the gun and set it down, twisting Hanzo around so they were facing each other. 

Hanzo was pretty sure he stopped breathing as Jesse pulled him close, managing to choke out, “I don’t think this is proper technique.”

Jesse smiled before kissing him and effectively turning off Hanzo’s mind. Hanzo’s hands found their way up and around Jesse’s neck, pulling him closer. Jesse let out a soft sound of approval before deepening the kiss with a soft bite at Hanzo’s lip. 

They stood there, kissing against the window as if they weren’t in the middle of a shooting range, for a good moment. Jesse’s arms came around Hanzo’s waist, as if they could not get close enough. It felt as if everything else in the world disappeared as Hanzo felt every single inch of space touching between the two of them, focusing on that feeling and Jesse’s lips on his until there was no distinction between any of it.

Much too quickly, Jesse pulled away. His breath was heavy as he said, “I have more stuff planned. We can’t just make out here all day.”

Hanzo pouted, “I can’t imagine anything could beat this.”

Jesse grinned, resting his forehead against Hanzo’s for a moment. The two of them stood there like that, just catching their breaths together. Jesse’s text from the other day popped into Hanzo’s mind and, in the moment, he completely understood. 

Unfortunately, Jesse pulled away. Hanzo felt like he could feel every inch of space separating them then, wanting to close the gap again but composing himself instead. “We can’t leave until I hit a target,” he said.

Jesse grinned, “of course, darling. We can’t have our future olympian leave a shooting range a loser.”

Hanzo smiled, taking Jesse’s words as a challenge as he returned to his position facing the targets. Feeling much more relaxed after all of that, he picked up the gun and repeated the steps that Jesse had taught him. He could feel Jesse watching him, could practically see the smile he probably had on his face. Using that image as his inspiration, he shot and... hit the target. Barely, but he did.

“Alright, now we’re getting somewhere,” Jesse said, “let’s see that again.”

They stayed for a couple more hours, just having a good time shooting and challenging each other. Eventually, it dissolved into Hanzo making up stupid challenges for Jesse and Jesse completing every single one. Hanzo didn’t know if he wanted to know why Jesse was such a sharp shooter, but he was glad to know more of this mysterious man who he was finding himself infatuated with.

After the shooting range, Jesse took them a couple blocks down to a casual japanese restaurant. It was the sort of place that was clearly owned by real japanese people, serving the simple japanese fare you’d find in any japanese household. They each ordered a bowl of ramen and as they waited, Hanzo approached the question that he couldn’t shake.

“Seriously, how did you learn to shoot so well?” Hanzo asked, leaning across the table.   
Jesse looked thoughtful for a moment before saying, “you trust me, right?”

“Against better judgement, yes,” Hanzo said with a confident nod.

“I was into some bad stuff,” Jesse said with a shrug, “it wasn’t easy for me, growing up. I didn’t really have a support system, or whatever you call a family, and these guys kind of picked me up off the streets. The guys turned out to be some shady guys, but they treated me right as long as I did what they asked. It was good.”

Despite the abysmal words he was saying, Jesse looked almost wistful as he spoke. Hanzo watched him curiously as he continued to explain that he had taken an interest in shooting, in the art of it at least.

“It wasn’t just for hurting people, you know,” Jesse said, “It was kind of fun to shoot and be good at it, I became sort of known as the gun guy in the crew.”

He was done, watching Hanzo’s reaction expectantly. Somehow the whole story wasn’t too surprising, given what Hanzo had heard about Jesse already, but a couple questions hung in his mind. Mainly; what happened to these people Jesse thought so fondly of and has Jesse ever... shot anyone?

He didn’t know if the second question was appropriate so he asked the first one instead.

“Oh. Bad guys can’t run from the law forever,” Jesse said with a shrug and that same wistful look, “I got off easy because I was a kid. When I got done serving my time, well... here we are, right? Trying to get my life together.”

“Your resolution,” Hanzo said with a smile.

Jesse nodded, “right.”

They’re food came then, and Hanzo was reminded that they were in a crowded restaurant so refrained from asking his second question. He wasn’t really sure he wanted to know the answer anyway, although he knew it wouldn’t change how he felt about Jesse. It would just be easier to be ignorant.

“Since I spilled my guts,” Jesse said, “wanna tell me what you do for a living?”

“Hm?” Hanzo asked, “I work for my dad.”

“Yeah, but doing what?” Jesse asked.

“Oh... a lot of stuff,” Hanzo said, “It’s a business, currently we deal in insurance and the works. We’re working on a big rebranding right now... but it’s not nearly as exciting as your stuff.”

Jesse chuckled, “that’s a good thing, trust me. You don’t sound too passionate about it, though.”

Hanzo shrugged, “It’s my life’s work, of course I am passionate about it.”

“Are you?” Jesse asked. 

“Yes,” Hanzo insisted, knowing he was lying. He really couldn’t care less about the numbers he looked at everyday that told him whether things were good or bad, or even the concept of insurance. He wouldn’t be able to explain much deeper what the company does, he knows it’s insurance for corporations and the such but why exactly his company was “special” was beyond him. He was just raised to work there, not think too much else into it.

Jesse shrugged, “so, insurance. For like cars, health...?”

“Corporations,” Hanzo said, “Liability and the such.”

“Oh, I see,” Jesse said with a knowing smile, “you help companies screw people over.”

Hanzo wrinkled his eyebrows, “no. I mean, I don’t think so. It’s just insurance.”

Jesse shook his head playfully, “I’m joking, Hanzo. I don’t know anything about that stuff, just know that companies screw people over.”

Hanzo let out an annoyed huff, taking a bit of his ramen and looking away. Jesse wasn’t exactly wrong, and that’s precisely why he didn’t want to discuss this sort of stuff with him. 

“I’m sorry,” Jesse said, “I trust you, I don’t think you would screw someone over.”

Hanzo looked back at him, catching his eyes and seeing he was genuinely sorry although he didn’t have to be. If anything, Hanzo should be sorry for being such a touchy person who can’t handle teasing criticism.

“No, I’m sorry,” Hanzo said, “I am impossible, I don’t even know why you are dealing with me.”

“Maybe because you  _ are _ impossible,” Jesse said, looking Hanzo in the eye with a playful smile, “I like a challenge.”

“Well, I’ve been called that too a couple times,” Hanzo said.

“Sounds kind of mean,” Jesse said.

“You just said it,” Hanzo said.

“Well, I meant it in a flirty way,” Jesse said, “unless you’re telling me other people are calling you a challenge in a flirty way?”

Hanzo blushed, “no... I don’t think anyone has said anything flirty to me in my life before you.”

Jesse looked surprised, “really? I’m your first?”

Hanzo stuffed a bite into his mouth, hoping that it would be enough to get him out of answering that question. Jesse wasn’t distracted easily, though. He watched Hanzo eat with a curious look, obviously waiting for an answer.

“I didn’t have time for... that sort of stuff,” Hanzo said when the silence had become awkward. He shrugged it off as if he wasn’t bothered by it despite it feeling like a glaring flaw at the moment. 

Jesse smiled, “I guess that makes sense, although I doubt no one has ever flirted with you. Look at you, you’re gorgeous.”

“I don’t know about that,” Hanzo said.

“Well, I do,” Jesse said. 

Hanzo rolled his eyes, eating more of his ramen that was quickly dwindling. Turns out all it took for him to eat was to have Jesse ask him questions he did not want to answer. It was much easier to eat than to respond to Jesse’s open adoration and teasing. It was probably his inexperience that made him so clueless and uncomfortable with all of Jesse’s casual flirting.

If he was a normal guy, Hanzo would probably have some witty quip to say back but instead he was stuffing his face and searching his mind for a good topic changer. He wanted to compliment Jesse too, tell him something that will get him all flustered as well but the thought of actually saying any of the fluffy stuff that came to his mind made  _ him _ flustered.

Pulling him from his impending panic was his phone vibrating beside his bowl. He tapped his phone to see a text from his dad just saying  _ where are you? _ Automatically, he picked his phone up to answer but Jesse interrupted him.

“Who’s that?” he asked.

“Oh, my father,” Hanzo said, “I’m sure it’s nothing, he said I could have the night off.”

Jesse wrinkled his brow, looking like he wanted to say something as Hanzo went to type a response of “out”. 

“Why is he texting you then?” Jesse asked finally after Hanzo tapped send.

“Well, he is my father,” Hanzo said with a shrug, unsure why Jesse seemed to be so bothered by it.

“If it was really a night off, you’re dad wouldn’t be checking in on you,” Jesse said, “he is also your boss, sort of.”

Mostly his boss these days, Hanzo thought but kept to himself. He really didn’t need Jesse having a worse image of his father than he already did.

“You’re not wrong,” Hanzo said, “He’s just checking in on me, though. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

Jesse nodded, taking a bite of his food and watching Hanzo closely as another text came through.  _ Don’t forget we have an early morning, don’t be late,  _ the text read. Hanzo frowned, reaching for his phone to respond but Jesse caught his hand instead.

He looked up, confused as Jesse leaned across the table, holding his hand. Jesse’s forehead was wrinkled with worry again as he moved Hanzo’s hand aside, leaving their hands intertwined as he lay them on the table.

“Can I ask something?” Jesse asked quietly, his tone soft but serious.

Hanzo just nodded, finding it hard to focus on anything but the feeling of Jesse’s hand and the disapproval he could feel from his father despite his absence. He didn’t want to hold it against Jesse, but he figured his parent-less upbringing meant he couldn’t really understand the pressure he was under. Despite this, he didn’t fight it as Jesse continued to speak.

“Let’s just turn our phones off,” Jesse said, “I mean... Can we just have tonight to ourselves?”

Hanzo watched him to see if he was still being serious. He couldn’t turn his phone off, what if there was some sort of emergency? How would someone reach him? He started to shake his head, but Jesse continued to speak.

“I know, I know, it’s important,” Jesse said slowly, “I don’t want to disconnect you from your family, or anything like that. All I’m asking is one night where it’s just me and you, so we can see what would happen if we didn’t have the constant pressure of the real world trying to pull us away.”

“It is the  _ real _ world, though,” Hanzo said, “I can’t just turn it off.”

Jesse sighed, watching him for a second, “okay. Keep your phone on, but don’t reply. If they really need you, they should say so.”

“It’s not just that,” Hanzo said, not sure where he was going as he spoke, “who knows what he thinks I’m doing out here... I’m not supposed to be the one out late. I’m supposed to be at home, drinking tea with him while we work silently together. That’s the only son he knows, and it’s the one he’s proud of. Now he’s worried I’ll stay out late and miss an important meeting, because that’s who he thinks I am now. One slip up... That’s all it took.”

“Han...” Jesse said softly, “I... He’ll always be proud of you. I’m sure of it.”

Hanzo shook his head, annoyed that this had gotten so emotional. He didn’t know if the tears that threatened to burst were from embarrassment or annoyance or something else.

“It’s not that simple,” Hanzo said.

Jesse nodded, saying nothing else but squeezing his hand comfortingly. 

“Hanzo, if you want to go home, you can,” he said after a moment, his voice dejected but serious.

Hanzo was shocked, that wasn’t what he had been thinking at all. He wanted so desperately to never leave Jesse’s side, that’s what made him so scared because he knew he would have to someday. This wasn’t permanent, it couldn’t be.

“I don’t want to,” he said, suddenly very confident in that decision, “I want... I want you.”

Jesse's face broke into a slow, sloppy grin. That genuine smile that made Hanzo’s heart skip, that he couldn’t help but smile along with. 

“Well then, in that case, the night is young,” Jesse said, letting go of Hanzo’s hand to flag down a waiter. 

Hanzo didn’t ask where they were going as they left the restaurant, hand in hand. They were met outside by heavy rainfall that they hadn’t heard inside.

“Well, guess we can’t go on a moonlit walk in the park,” Jesse said as they stood under the restaurant’s awning. 

Hanzo, still feeling a little light headed from their conversation, said, “why not?”

Jesse looked at him, a spark in his eye as he said, “why not? I can’t think of a reason, actually.”

Hanzo found himself grinning up at Jesse, repeating, “why not?”

Jesse laughed, pulling him out from the awning and into the pouring rain. The two of them were instantly soaked as they ran to nowhere in particular, to the idea of a park and more time together. 

They stopped under the awning of a small bookshop to catch their breaths. Hanzo couldn’t help but laugh at the image of Jesse soaking wet, his hair plastered flat to his face and the once crisp flannel clinging tight to his body. He imagined that the two of them looked like quite a scene standing there, dressed to impress, sopping wet, and laughing like they weren’t.

A little delirious, Hanzo reached out and tugged on Jesse’s shirt, an attempt to stop it from sticking to his stomach and an obvious excuse to touch him. He could feel Jesse go tense at the touch, catching his eye as he found himself pressing his hand flat against his stomach. He could feel him let out a breath, keeping his eyes on Jesse’s face as he stepped closer. 

Jesse looked almost curious as Hanzo stepped closer, his hand still on his stomach until the space between them shrank to nothing. It was like Hanzo’s body was moving without his direction, because he would never do anything so bold as this but it felt right somehow. He liked the effect he clearly had on Jesse, the way that he froze up until their lips touched and then he returned the kiss with a level of passion Hanzo didn’t know what to do with. 

This was different from the other kisses, there was something urgent between the two of them as they made out under that awning. Hanzo forgot that they were in the real world, that people could definitely see them from inside the bookstore or as they passed by. Once again, it was like they were the only two people on the planet and when they pulled apart to catch a breath the feeling continued.

“Come to my place,” Jesse practically breathed, their faces still close enough that Hanzo could feel his lips moving as he spoke. 

“Okay,” Hanzo said with a laugh because he couldn’t really believe what was happening. Jesse kissed him again, smiling as he did. It was a short one, before they ran back under the rain. Hanzo didn’t feel any of it as they ran to the closest subway stop. Jesse swiped him in and they were lucky enough to find a mostly empty car where they could sit as close as possible, trying their best to be appropriate under the bright lights of the subway car.

That didn’t stop Hanzo from playing with the hem of Jesse’s shirt, getting close to touching the bare skin underneath but managing to hold back under the watching eyes of the other passengers. Jesse watched him while playing with his hair that was now falling from his once neat bun. Despite the presence of strangers, the fifteen minute train ride felt almost intimate.

Not unlike the first time he had been to Jesse’s neighborhood, Hanzo felt his heart begin to race as they approached his apartment. This time, there were no other places to be. The apartment  _ was  _ the place to be, and Hanzo was pretty sure those distractions that Jesse had mentioned the last time were the purpose this time. 

The rain had stopped, which somehow had a dampening effect on Hanzo’s delirium he had been experiencing since the restaurant. Now his Jesse induced giddiness was accompanied by his usual anxiety. For a moment, as Jesse unlocked the front door to the building, Hanzo wondered if he should have just gone home.

What if he does something stupid? What if nothing happens and he’s building this whole thing up for nothing? What if Jesse was actually a homicidal maniac who had only been playing a part this whole time and fully intended to murder and then eat Hanzo?

“You okay?” Jesse asked as he opened the door for Hanzo.

Hanzo nodded, Jesse’s voice easing his fears a bit. He was being insane. Despite how unbelievable it was, Jesse seemed to really like him. Maybe more than like if his text message had been true, although Hanzo had to doubt it.

And Hanzo really liked him, he was reminded as Jesse smiled comfortingly before saying, “hey, no pressure or anything. Let’s just get out of the rain.”

How was this guy so perfect and also into Hanzo? It didn’t make sense.

Jesse led the way up a couple sets of stairs before they arrived at a landing with two doors. Jesse gestured to one of them, “home sweet home.”

The first thing Hanzo noticed about the apartment was how empty it was, which felt like a feat seeing as it was just one room. There was a small kitchen area with nothing but a coffee pot on the counter. The rest of the room was occupied by a futon that was folded out into a bed that looked hastily put together. Hanzo could imagine Jesse waking up that morning and throwing the worn looking blanket on the bed with the idea that Hanzo would be here later. Did he know? Was this always part of the plan?

Other than the bed, there was just a suitcase against the wall and a small pile of clothes beside it. There was notably nothing personal in the space, no decoration or indication that a real person lived there. 

It was sort of sad.

“I, uh, would have cleaned up if I had planned this,” Jesse said.

“You could have also, uh, bought some plants or something,” Hanzo said, giving Jesse a smile to let him know he was teasing.

Jesse chuckled, “yeah... I don’t really stay long enough to get to that part. Easier to just pack your clothes, you know?”

Hanzo frowned, “sorry, that sounds lonely.”

“Don’t be,” Jesse said, “hey, you’re lucky I have a bed. Usually I sleep on the floor, but the last guy left this beauty here. Not the greatest, but better than the floor.”

Hanzo couldn’t help but wrinkle his nose in disgust, “you mean that is someone else’s bed?”

Jesse frowned, “yeah? I mean, it’s clean. I checked.”

Hanzo stepped further into the room, feeling Jesse watch him take in the place further. There was nothing else to see, though. Hanzo imagined that the bathroom didn’t have much to offer, so he stopped just a few steps in.

“I’m sorry,” Jesse said, clearly sensing Hanzo’s unease, “we can...”

“No,” Hanzo said, shaking his head and trying to shake off that judgemental part of himself. The part that had never experienced anything outside of his privileged existence, who couldn’t imagine what it was like to be Jesse and thought that the idea of laying on a bed that had been occupied by someone else sounded repugnant.

“I think it’s great,” he said, turning back to Jesse who was standing awkwardly by the door still. “Maybe I’ll get you something, if you want, I mean.”

Jesse smiled, “I would, actually.”

“I’m just glad you’re not hiding a bunch of dead bodies,” Hanzo teased.

“Oh, you haven’t seen the bathroom yet, huh?” Jesse joked before pulling Hanzo close. 

“I can think of worse ways to die,” Hanzo said quietly, feeling the energy from before return except now they were alone. 

This time, when they kissed, Hanzo’s hands found their way under Jesse’s shirt and once again it was like he was on autopilot. He didn’t even register the futon as the two of them fell onto it, bodies intertangled until they were one. The only thing that Hanzo registered as time progressed was the feeling of Jesse under his hands, Jesse’s lips on him, and something that could only be described as euphoria.

Later, as they lay on that futon with Hanzo’s head on Jesse’s chest, he bit back the words that were on the tip of his tongue. It felt cliche to say them then, but he still felt it stronger than he could have imagined. Along with that thought was the thought that he would give Jesse anything if it meant that he would stay long enough to keep it. 

He wanted to be the one to give Jesse a reason to stay, as impossible as that would be.


	7. dancing with our hands tied

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for a couple things: how long it took for another update yet again and how absolutely sad this chapter is. i think i mirrored my own emotional state onto this chapter, which is good because my notes for this chapter were "A sad exclusive chapter" so,,,, i guess i was method acting or smthn. i hope you like it :)

_I'd kiss you as the lights went out, s_ _waying as the room burned down_  
 _I'd hold you as the water rushes in, i_ _f I could dance with you again_

There was a moment of peace as Hanzo’s mind slowly slipped from the grip of sleep. He figured he was still clinging to some dream he had when he felt Jesse’s arms around him, it wasn’t until his mind registered the fact that this slow sort of morning was not normal that he remembered where he was and what had happened. He shot up, hands reaching all around him for his phone that was supposed to have woken him up. Jesse didn’t seem to have any clocks in his apartment, of course, so Hanzo had no way of telling how late he was already.

He jumped from the bed, eyes still looking for his phone as he rushed to throw his clothes back on. He could hear Jesse waking up back on the bed, mumbling something along the lines of “what’s wrong?”.

“Have you seen my phone?” Hanzo asked, now fully dressed although messily. His phone seemed to be nowhere to be found and he could feel the panic coming down quick.

He could practically hear his father’s anger on the probably thousands of voice mails he had left while Hanzo slept peacefully. The thought had him paralyzed as he stood there, in the middle of Jesse’s empty apartment. Jesse sat up, stilling trying to wake up as he pulled back the blankets, revealing Hanzo’s phone laying near the foot of the bed.

Hanzo hesitated for a moment when Jesse handed him the phone, after scooting over to the edge of the bed. His phone was, of course, dead when he did finally look at it. 

“Shit,” He said, tossing the phone back on the bed, “what time is it?”

Jesse looked around, eyes landing back on Hanzo’s dead phone, “I don’t know. Is everything okay?”

Hanzo shook his head, grabbing his phone and heading towards the door. This action seemed to finally wake up Jesse, who got up from the bed to follow him.

“Hey, hey, Hanzo?” Jesse said, softly grabbing Hanzo’s hand to stop him. “What’s wrong.”

“I have a meeting today, I mean, I had...” He trailed off, “I need to know what time it is. Actually. I have to go.”

He sounded insane, he knew that, and Jesse’s concerned confusion confirmed it. 

“Okay,” Jesse said after a moment of Hanzo just standing there and staring at him. “Do you want me to walk you to the train?”

“No,” Hanzo said, “I just have to go. I’m sorry. Thanks.”

He still didn’t move though, and he didn’t really want to. Jesse’s presence, his proximity, felt like an anchor. He was terrified of what was going to happen when he walked out of this apartment, even more terrified of what was going to happen when he showed up at the office late and looking like a mess. 

“Hey, Hanzo,” Jesse said softly, squeezing Hanzo’s hand, “you don’t have to go. I mean... let me walk you.”

“No,” Hanzo said, a little bit of sanity managing to get in through his panic. He knew Jesse walking him was a bad idea, he knew that it would just make it harder for him to get on that train. 

“Well, you need a metrocard,” Jesse said, squeezing Hanzo’s hand again before going to ruffle through his clothes from last night. He pulled a card from his pants pocket and returned to Hanzo, slipping the card into his back pocket. “Text me, okay?”

Hanzo nodded, “yeah. Thanks, again.”

“No need,” Jesse said. “Whatever happens... it’s gonna be okay.”

Hanzo couldn’t help but let out a little chuckle at that. Jesse didn’t know anything, he didn’t know what a father’s disapproval felt like. He couldn’t understand.

He kept repeating that in his head as he said a quick goodbye before finally managing to get his limbs to move. Jesse didn’t understand, he couldn’t understand, so what was the point? He was starting to wonder what the point of anything was.

By the time he made it to the train, he had managed to clear his mind enough to reposition his focus on the real problems. Not Jesse and what happened last night, or how happy he had been last night, or how much he was starting to realise he loved Jesse. None of that was really important, because he was missing the one meeting he and his dad has been preparing for since the start of the year. 

On the train, he practiced some excuses for his absence but none of them worked. It was too obvious, he had clearly not been walking around all night and if he had stayed the night somewhere, where was it? Maybe he could say he had been kidnapped, or something. His father couldn’t be mad at him for that.

But he also probably wouldn’t believe it.

His stop came too soon, and he almost didn’t get off the train but somehow found himself stepping back onto the city streets. It felt wrong to be there, the business district that his office was located in, after last night. He could practically still feel Jesse’s body on him, and it felt like everyone he passed could see it written clearly on his face.

He realised too late that he should have stopped at home first, to change and get himself more presentable. At the time he had thought getting to the office quicker was more important. 

Now, though, as he stood in front of the building, he knew he had made a mistake. He knew he couldn’t go in there, not like this or really like anything. He also knew that this time there would be no getting off easy with nothing but a slap on the wrist. He didn’t know what that meant but he was terrified. In his mind, he could come up with a thousand ways that his father could disown him for embarrassing him like this and all of them sent fear straight into his core.

He couldn’t go in, so he didn’t. He turned to head home, he’d wait for his father there. He told himself that his father wouldn’t even want him to show up in this state, it would just embarrass him further. 

He had only managed a couple steps when he heard his name called from behind him. His first reaction was, of course, fear, but after recognizing Genji’s voice he relaxed. Genji wasn’t his father, or anyone who would go right back in and tell his father he was there.

“You’re alive!” Genji said when Hanzo turned around, his voice sounding genuinely relieved. 

“Unfortunately,” Hanzo replied with a shrug.

“I figured you’d have to be dead to miss today,” Genji said. “Where were you?”

“Nowhere,” Hanzo lied despite knowing it was obvious.

He was right, too, because after a good once over, Genji’s face shifted to amusement. 

“Oh. That guy, the one you were texting,” he said.

Hanzo shrugged, not having the energy to dispute it anymore. Something about that little confession felt nice, though. To have one person know, even if it was just a shrug and it was now when Hanzo was sure it was all over. 

Genji noticed the shift in Hanzo as that thought came to his mind, “is everything... okay?”

“Does it look okay?” Hanzo said with a cynical laugh, looking back to the office. He had to get home, away from here before his dad found him.

“Look, I, uh, don’t know what’s gonna happen with dad but...” Genji trailed off, starting again a second later, “I think he might kill you, if I’m being honest, but... I think it might be worth it.”

“You don’t know anything,” Hanzo said, “I don’t... I don’t know. I just have to get home, if he sees me like this,” he gestured to his disheveled appearance, “it’s only gonna be worse.”

“Dad wants you to be happy, Hanzo,” Genji said, “maybe it’ll make it better knowing why you missed the meeting.”

“That I let some... guy distract me from my life's work?” Hanzo said, shaking his head, “I don’t think so.”

Genji shrugged, “you never know, he was in love once too.”

“I’m not...” Hanzo said, his mind jumping to this morning and that moment of peace before the sky came crashing down on them. He didn’t know what he felt anymore. 

Genji rolled his eyes, “whatever you say, but I don’t know why else you’d mess up this bad.”

 _Maybe because I’m an idiot?_ Hanzo couldn’t help but think, _maybe because my coach is right, I have my priorities all wrong._

Genji watched him for a moment, perhaps waiting for a response but not getting one. His eyes were full of so much sympathy, pity almost, that it hurt to look at him. 

“I have to go,” Hanzo repeated, “don’t tell dad I was here, please?”

Genji nodded, “I was leaving anyway. The energy in there is toxic, Han. I’ll be sending some positive vibes your way.”

Hanzo just rolled his eyes in response, just happy to hear that he would pass by unnoticed by his father. Despite their differences, Hanzo felt Genji might be the only person who might even remotely understand how he was feeling right then. Not completely, though, given the fact that Genji had missed a bunch of business related stuff for dates and gotten off easy. Hanzo hadn’t missed anything before, so he was in new territory.

He made it home without much fanfare, using Jesse’s card to take the subway back to his neighborhood and mentally making a note to refill the card before he gave it back. The casual expectation that he would be seeing Jesse again caught him off guard, causing his stomach to flip as he thought of being near Jesse again after last night.

He wanted it so bad it hurt.

At home, he freshened up by taking a shower and changing into something less “date night”. As he did all of this, his mind was elsewhere. He kept flipping between trying to come up with an excuse that would keep his relationship with Jesse safe, but that his father would also believe, and just reliving the events of the day before. The last time he had felt that carefree might have been when he was a kid, back before the pressure of being the eldest son became so apparent. 

He barely remembered those days, to be honest. He had vague memories of playing adventure games with Genji in their backyard, of bedtime stories with their mother and other small clips of childhood that didn’t have anything to do with his future. Yesterday, with Jesse, he almost forgot the high stakes of his future and the choices he made. So much so that he made the worst choice yet, to forget something as simple as plugging his phone. 

Speaking of his phone, it took Hanzo some time to get the courage to turn it on after plugging it. His rational side made sure it was the first thing he took care of, plugging it in as soon as he got home, but the fear still prevented him from doing anything more until there was nothing left to do.

In the end, it was the idea of a text from Jesse that made him turn it on. 

He swiped away the missed calls from his father and the worried texts from Genji, going right to the little box that held a message from Jesse. 

_I hope everything’s okay, darling. I had so much fun yesterday, I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy. I hope you felt the same, and I hope you know that you deserve to feel that happy every single day. I love you. Please reply to let me know you aren’t dead._

Hanzo read it a couple times, not really registering the words or believing any of it. Eventually, when it became clear that those five sentences weren't going to make all the bad disappear, he simply replied _I’m alive_ before going back to his other messages. He had a couple from his dad asking him where he was, and one final one that simply said _we’ll talk about this later._

Genji’s messages were more of the same, but with a worried tone instead of a deeply disappointed one. Right when Hanzo was about to go through his voicemail, probably the worst of it, he heard the sound of the front door opening and closing. He froze, waiting to hear the footsteps approaching his door.

All of those bad excuses he had thought up disappeared as he heard his father approaching, and the sound of his door knob twisting. The worst part was that he didn’t really know what to expect when that door opened, because he had never done anything like this. 

All he could do was brace himself and wait for the inevitable.

When the door opened, his father did nothing but step into his room and stand there silently, with his arms crossed. Hanzo waited for him to start scolding him, but got nothing but an expectant look. His father was waiting for an explanation that Hanzo did not have.

After a moment of silence, of Hanzo trying to gather a response that would make his father forgive him, all he could come up with was “I’m sorry, I swear it’ll never happen again.”

“I know it won’t because I won’t give you the opportunity again,” his father said flatly, clearly not impressed with Hanzo’s apology. “I don’t know what’s been going on with you these days, but your focus is everywhere but where it should be. It’s more than just the archery thing, you were gone all night. I’m not an idiot, Hanzo. I know you must be seeing someone, and for some reason you’ve decided whoever this girl is is more important than your responsibilities.”

“I didn’t-” Hanzo started, but his father cut him off. 

“I don’t want any more excuses,” he said, “this has gotten out of hand.”

There was a moment of silence between then, his father giving him a chance to confess. The problem was that Hanzo didn’t really think that revealing everything to his father was going to make any difference, so why go through the trouble? He just wanted this conversation to be over.

“Okay,” his father said after a while, “I think you’ll understand that a suspension of some sort is expected. I don’t think it’s a good look if you come back to the office for a while after this, but I want you to still be working. I have a couple big projects that need to be worked out, which you’ll do with your time off. I’m sure it’ll be enough to fill your time, and if something like this happens again...”

He actually trailed off, looking a little sad as he regarded Hanzo for a moment before saying, “I don’t know. I don’t want to know, if I’m being honest. Just... remember what’s important.”

He gave him one last look, one last chance to say something that would make him understand but once again, Hanzo stayed silent. He just didn’t see the point in making his life just that much harder, he didn’t agree with Genji that it would fix anything. His father had been right, Hanzo had been seduced into thinking anything could be more important than the thing his family had spent their lives building.

How could he be trusted to continue that legacy if he was so willing to drop everything at the sight of one overly charming man?

\---

Hanzo’s father was not kidding when he said the projects he had would take up all of his time, even without spending 8-10 hours at the office. Usually this sort of work would be split up among different groups, and he had no idea if it was even possible to finish it on time. It was clear he was being both thoroughly punished and tested, and he was determined not to fail.

Which meant doing the unthinkable, or the one thing he couldn’t stop thinking about. After his dad had left his room that day, he had gotten another text from Jesse that just read “ _I’m here if you need anything, I love you”_. Hanzo didn’t reply, and he wouldn’t reply for a couple days even after Jesse sent a couple more texts asking him if he was alright and reassuring Hanzo that he was there for him.

He wasn’t replying because he knew it was over, that there was no way that the two of them were ever going to be more than what they were. Even if Hanzo didn’t even know what they had been, other than a momentary break from his dull life. Maybe that was all that it was, just something to take his mind off of the stresses of the New Year.

But the New Year was over, and it was time to go back to that dull life.

A couple days into the week, Hanzo had barely made a dent in his work but he was working every waking hour. His eyes were tired as he squinted at his calculator, another number not adding up quite right. He wanted to throw the calculator and all of the stupid papers surrounding him out his window, but instead took a deep breath before taking a sip of his tea. It was then that there was a knock on his door before it creaked open.

He expected to see his father checking in on him as he had the day before, after getting home from the office. Instead, Genji stood right inside his door. 

“Wow,” he said with a wrinkled nose, “dad’s really got you on lockdown, huh?”

When Hanzo shrugged, Genji took it as an invitation to cross the room and take a seat on Hanzo’s bed. Hanzo watched him, waiting for whatever it was that Genji had to say.

“I saw him today,” Genji said, “Uh... Jesse, I guess is his name, huh? You didn’t tell me he was the waiter from the party. Guess I wasn’t so far off, was I?”

“Where’d you see him,” Hanzo asked, trying to keep his tone apathetic. He didn’t care, Jesse was just a thing of the past now. A blip on Hanzo’s perfect record.

“The office,” Genji said, “he was waiting for you outside.”

“Oh,” Hanzo said, thinking of the string of unreturned texts in his phone, “you talked to him?”

Genji nodded, “you’re not responding to his texts, he wanted to make sure you were alive.”

“What’d you tell him?” Hanzo said, forgetting that he was supposed to not care. Genji noticed, looking solemn as he continued.

“I told him that dad had you in lock down,” Genji said, “that maybe he took your phone.”

They both responded to that by looking over to where Hanzo’s phone lay on his desk, open to the calculator app. 

“Did you tell dad?” Genji asked.

“Tell him what?” Hanzo asked.

“About Jesse,” Genji said.

“No, but he assumed it was a girl,” Hanzo said, trying not to cringe at the word “girl”. His dad wasn’t a dirtbag, he loved and supported Genji through everything he had went through with coming to terms with being both trans and gay, but it was different for Hanzo. There was a certain picture that he was supposed to live that involved getting married and carrying on the Shimada legacy, which didn’t really fit Jesse or any guy for that matter.

“That’s just dad being heteronormative,” Genji said with a shrug, “you know he’s cool, look at me. You should tell him, tell him so that he can try to understand what happened.”

“But he won’t, I don’t even understand it,” Hanzo said, exasperated by this conversation and Genji always trying to “fix” things. Sure, maybe he had a point that their father wouldn’t care about Jesse’s gender, but it didn’t change anything. Hanzo still let someone mess with his priorities.

“I’m just saying, he seems to really care about you, Han,” Genji said. “It’d be a shame if you threw that away for work.”

“I don’t really have any other option,” Hanzo said, “I clearly can’t be trusted.”

“We all make mistakes, Hanzo,” Genji said, standing up, “although, I think you’re making a worse one by letting this guy go. Trust me when I say good guys don’t come by that often, or ever. If you’re me.”

Hanzo just shook his head in response, watching Genji turn and leave, shutting his door gently behind him. Once he was gone, Hanzo let himself collapse a little. He put his face in his hands, trying to collect his thoughts from the tangle that they had formed since meeting Jesse. Since that first meeting on New Years eve it had felt like Hanzo’s brain was constantly in a blender, everything circling around the image of Jesse’s smile.

Genji was always too optimistic, it was easy for him to imagine the happy endings because he didn’t know anything else. He got to do whatever he wanted and was only rewarded with love and support from their father, meanwhile it had been very clear that the same was not expected from Hanzo. Being the eldest son meant having high expectations for you, and Hanzo had always met those expectations until now. 

Now, in his exhausted state, that was the only thought he could hold in his hand. The thing that made sense to him was proving himself to his father, and to himself. 

Unfortunately, that didn’t make it any easier.

Then, as if he summoned it with his mind, his phone went off. His heart raced as it did everytime his phone went off in the last two days, feeling a spike of that familiar excitement despite himself. He turned on his phone to a new text from Jesse saying _I miss you, please tell me everything's okay._

But everything was not okay, so he couldn’t reply.

Another text came in, _your brother told me you might not have your phone, which sucks because I can’t stop sending these texts. I am worried about you, about us. Please reply if you can._

Hanzo couldn’t, what could he say other than _it’s over_. Because it had to be, until Hanzo got his life figured out, it was safer to be alone. Even if it hurt as much as it did.

He switched back to the calculator app and got back to work, letting the numbers fill his mind and replace the image of Jesse standing outside of the office. He looked so sad, in Hanzo’s imagination, and for once Hanzo could kind of understand. 

\---

Hanzo’s father let him leave the house for archery training, not that he was really barring him from leaving for other reasons. It was more like an unspoken agreement between the two of them that Hanzo wouldn’t leave, despite being well over old enough to make his own decisions. Archery was deemed important enough to take a break from work for an hour or so, but Hanzo knew he only had enough time to go straight there and back.

He couldn’t help but notice that his driver stayed to make sure he went inside the training center, probably ordered by his father to make sure Hanzo stayed in line. Hanzo figured he deserved it as he entered the training center, feeling surprisingly comforted by it’s familiarity. He couldn’t help but remember the other shooting range that Jesse had brought him to and it’s contrasting aesthetics that he somehow knew would feel the same now. 

“You look dead,” his coach said the second he entered the room. He looked genuinely concerned as he took in Hanzo, “you okay?”

Hanzo nodded, “a lot of work, you know.”

His coach nodded slowly, “yeah, I do. Remember what we discussed?”

Hanzo nodded, remembering all too well. Oh, how different things had been back then. He didn’t say anything more as he took his spot, already knowing he was not going to do well that day. He had gotten maybe five hours of sleep since that night with Jesse and he could barely keep the target in focus. His first round was miserable and he didn’t even bother looking over to his coach to see his disappointment.

He had a feeling that the meet was not going to happen.

His coach was kind enough to let him finish all of his rounds, each one as miserable as the first, before speaking.

“Hanzo, you’re literally shaking,” he said, approaching him so that he could put a steady hand on Hanzo’s shoulder. 

Hanzo closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before saying, as evenly as he could, “I’m sorry, I haven’t been sleeping well. I have a lot of work.”

“Is this gonna be done in time?” he asked, not having to clarify what in time for.

Hanzo shrugged, “yes. It should be, I should be fine.”

He said all this automatically, knowing that it probably wouldn't and that he definitely wouldn’t be fine. He looked at his coach now, with his hand still on Hanzo’s shoulder, and worry creasing his face. Hanzo had expected disappointment, so he was caught off guard by the sincerity of the moment. He had to blink back some tears, trying to speak to cover it up.

“It’s just for this week,” Hanzo said, “I promise.”

His coach stared at him for a moment, searching for something that Hanzo was surely not giving, before saying, “I think we’re done for today. Get some rest, you’ll need it.”

Hanzo nodded, looking back at the target. He waited for the coach to leave before retrieving his arrows and going back to his spot. He went through a couple more rounds, it was all bad, but it felt good to just shoot and shoot like he did when he was younger. As he shot, he thought of the meet, his father, and Jesse all at once somehow. 

He knew only a couple things and that was that he wanted to go to this meet, and he wanted to impress his coach and prove to the world that he wasn’t wasting his time. The other thing he knew was that he wanted to impress his father, he wanted to prove that he was worthy of everything that he was in line to inherit. 

But he also knew that he missed Jesse so much that his whole body physically ached, and that’s where he lost sight of everything because he didn’t know what to do about that. It didn’t feel like he could have all of the above, and Jesse was the weakest link.

At the end of his hour, he packed up and went out to wait for his driver. As he did, it registered that this was the first time he had been really alone in a while. There were no eyes on him as he stood outside the window that looked into the cold entrance to his training center, and it felt nice. He got the urge to do something crazy, like just leave that window and go somewhere. Maybe the beach.

That was until he saw him, saw that he was not exactly alone and that he was indeed being watched but it wasn’t his father or anyone employed by him. It was Jesse, standing by a lamp post a couple feet away. He looked like he was hiding for some reason, but he was definitely watching him.

Hanzo caught his eyes and felt as if there was a string attached to his chest that was being pulled violently, and maybe Jesse was doing the pulling. Hanzo looked around, making sure his driver was not there, before crossing over to where Jesse stood. 

Jesse looked worse than Hanzo could have imagined, he didn’t just look sad, he looked terrified too. And withdrawn, very unlike the Jesse Hanzo had spent the night with. 

“Hanzo,” he said with a hesitant smile.

“Were you just going to watch me?” Hanzo asked, trying to be playful.

Jesse shrugged, “I don’t know. I thought maybe you hated me, or that someone was just around the corner waiting to take the shot.”

“Kill you?” Hanzo asked, “Do you think I’m yakuza or something?”

Jesse shrugged, “I don’t really know, you seemed kind of terrified the other morning. Like you really thought your dad might kill you.”

“Well, he might as well have,” Hanzo said, looking down as he remembered their conversation. “I’m sorry, Jesse. I can’t...”

Jesse cut him off, “wait, please. Don’t finish that.”

“Jesse...” Hanzo said, wishing so hard that Jesse didn’t look as distressed as he did. Wishing that this wasn’t happening, and that this was a happy reunion instead of what it was. It wasn’t really a reunion at all, more like a farewell.

“Look, I know it’s complicated,” Jesse said, “but I promise we don’t even have to see each other. Just talk to me, okay? And when this all blows over, when things look better, we can figure it out. Please?”

Hanzo shook his head, “I can’t. We tried, remember? And I went and missed the most important meeting of my life, my father thinks I’m some kind of loser now. He thinks that I was seduced into forgetting what is really important, and to be honest, he’s not wrong. I messed up, I shouldn’t have let you...”

He trailed off because he couldn’t say that, couldn’t say that it was Jesse’s fault. He couldn’t lie to Jesse’s heartbroken face and tell him that everything that had happened meant nothing to him because it had. It had meant the world to him. 

Jesse was silent for a moment, maybe waiting for Hanzo to continue but he didn’t. Finally, after what felt like an eternity of the two of them staring at each other, Jesse said, “I don’t believe you.”

“You don’t have to,” Hanzo said quietly, “just let me go, please.”

Hanzo had to look away as it seemed to dawn on Jesse that he was being serious, that this was over. He looked so damn disappointed, a recurring theme in Hanzo’s life these days. 

Everyone was so damn disappointed, and they should have been.

Hanzo didn’t watch as Jesse nodded slowly, didn’t see his face settle into a mask of apathy as he said “okay, if that’s what you really want.” He didn’t see Jesse wait a moment, giving Hanzo a chance to say it was not what he wanted, before grabbing his bike and walking away.

Hanzo didn’t look up until he heard the familiar horn of his car, of his father’s car with his father’s driver, here to pick him up and bring him back home where his pile of work waited for him. 

And when they passed Jesse, pedaling fast on his bike a couple block up, Hanzo watched him and whispered goodbye. He knew it was the right thing to do, but it still felt like he had cut out his own heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm gonna try to finish this fic before the new year, so the last two chapter SHOULD come out much quicker than the previous ones but......... we will see.


	8. evermore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alternative title: literally everyone cares about hanzo more than he cares about himself (except perhaps his father). this was supposed to be a happier chapter but you can blame taylor swift for writing evermore, which was not the original title of this chapter but is clearly written for this fic.

_ And when I was shipwrecked, I thought of you   
In the cracks of light, I dreamed of you  
It was real enough, to get me through  _

  
The silence of Hanzo’s phone felt louder than a tornado siren in his room as Hanzo continued to work and work and work. A part of him, that same insane part that had gotten him into this mess, missed the constant sound of messages coming in from Jesse. The sane part of him that was frustratingly quiet was thankful for Jesse’s quiet acceptance that it was over, he didn’t know what he would do if he wasn’t.

But again, that insane part wanted so much to figure that out.

Somehow he managed to shut out that part of his mind long enough to finish all the work he had been given. It took every second of every day leading up to the deadline, but the distraction was welcome even if it didn’t work most of the time. As he worked, he also continuously checked his phone just in case he missed a text as if he didn’t jump every time his phone made any sound. Most of the time it was just a text from his father or Genji asking him if he wanted some food from wherever. 

At night, he worked late to stop himself from caving and looking up Jesse anywhere he could find him. He cancelled his training session later in the week because he was afraid that Jesse would find him there, or more like he was afraid Jesse wouldn’t find him there. He pretended it was about work, though, and he could hear the disappointment in his coach’s voice over the phone. 

After what felt like weeks of working that was only barely a week and a half, he was done. Which meant two things: he had to go back into the office and he no longer had anything to stop him from e-stalking Jesse. Both of these things had felt like mountains he saw in the distance that he was dreading climbing, and now they were right in front of him. 

It was roughly one o’clock in the morning when he finished typing up his presentation for the next day, he wasn’t really tired as he clicked save and felt the enormousness of the night in front of him. He was ultra aware of his phone sitting silently next to his computer, he tried to will it to vibrate or do anything really that meant that Jesse was also sitting there and thinking about him. It didn’t, of course. It never did. 

With no work to go back to, he caved and typed Jesse’s name into the search bar. He felt a mixture of emotions as the results came back mostly empty, a bunch of Jesse McCree’s that were not his Jesse on various social media sites. He realised that this was going to be pointless as he scrolled through the results, clicking a couple just for it to lead to websites asking for money or profiles for strangers. He was both disappointed and relieved that there was nothing. He hadn’t really wanted to find out that perhaps Jesse was doing just fine, or even if he wasn’t.

He wanted to stay in the dark, but he still scrolled through about ten pages of results. He didn’t even know where Jesse was from, other than the fact that he had a pretty strong southern accent but there were a lot of states down there. He started clicking anything that mentioned one of those states, still coming up empty. He got to the point where the results stopped even mentioning any “Jesse”, so he knew it was time to give up.

Now all that was left was his phone and the one place he knew he would find Jesse, just a text away. He should have deleted his number, kept the temptation far from his reach, but there was something oddly comforting about knowing that it was there. Which just underlined how far gone he was.

His phone told him it was almost 3, only four more hours until he was supposed to be awake and getting ready for his presentation. The thought of that didn’t make him want to climb into bed, though, it just spurred on his anxiety even more. Still at his desk, He closed his eyes and tried not to think about anything. Now he was tired.

As if no time had passed, Hanzo was jerked awake from the sound of his phone going off. His heart sped up as he sat up, still at his desk but the sun was up now, and reached for his phone. Before he even turned it on, he realised it was just his alarm as the clock on his desk told him it was 7 o’clock on the dot. He couldn’t help the disappointment that washed over him as he swiped his alarm off.

He got up, going through the motion of getting ready for work as if he hadn’t been stuck at home for a week and a half. He was grateful that he was too tired to be affected too much by the anxiety of his quickly approaching presentation, or the fact that he had really thought that his alarm was a message from Jesse. 

Despite that, he still felt the absence of any sort of encouraging messages as he sat in the car with his father on the way to the office. He kept trying to check his phone surreptitiously, thinking that somehow Jesse would know what today was and send him something. Anything.

His father kept giving him suspicious looks, though, so he didn’t get many chances to check. He was finally left alone once they arrived, his father giving him time to prepare while he checked in on the rest of the office. In his office, the panic was finally settling in as he was surrounded by the familiarity of work. 

He was almost too distracted to notice the small slip of paper on his desk, the one unfamiliar thing in the room. The one non-work thing that caught his eye, like a freshwater spring in the desert.

He didn’t know how to react as he picked it up, reading the words written in messy handwriting he didn’t quite recognise. It wasn’t Genji, or his father, or anyone he had seen write before.

It said simply “you got this - jm”. 

“Jesse?” Hanzo said quietly in disbelief. He looked around as if he would find Jesse himself standing in his room, somehow out of his original line of sight, but the room was as empty as it had been when he entered it. 

He found himself smiling despite his mind racing over the possibilities of this being some sort of prank, or maybe Genji had written this and purposely threw off his handwriting to get Hanzo to text Jesse back. But something told him that that wasn’t the case, that somehow Jesse did know what today was and that somehow he had left this note on his desk. Even if that was insane, Hanzo wanted it to be true, so he decided it was.

He tucked the note in his pocket, feeling his panic from earlier fade a little as he gathered everything for his presentation. The words in the note in their messy writing lingered in his mind as he went over everything in the conference room, calming his nerves somehow. 

He stood tall, faking confidence as the room filled with his colleagues and finally his father. Hanzo forced himself to not avert his eyes when his father gave him what could only be called a warning look, making it clear that this was his last chance and effectively bringing back all of that panic from earlier. He turned to his laptop, pretending to do something as he took a deep breath and tried to focus himself on the task at hand.

Somehow, he managed to get it together enough to do the entire presentation flawlessly. It had been all he had been thinking about for the past week and a half, well that and Jesse, so he knew all the facts and data like the back of his hand at that point. Still, despite how easy it turned out to be, when he was finally done all he wanted to do was hide back in his office and sleep for a long time. 

“You did all that by yourself?” Someone said, “you’re a mad man, Hanzo.”

Hanzo just shrugged, the praise meaning nothing to him despite how hard he had worked on it. He looked to his father, expecting his praise to be all that was really important but when he caught the look of satisfaction on his face he still felt nothing. Later, when the rest of his colleagues left the room, and his father congratulated him on the job well done, he still felt nothing.

“That’s the son I raised,” his father said proudly, “Look what hard work and dedication gets you, Hanzo. This is all I’ve been trying to teach you, and I hope that you’ve learned something. You can have the rest of the day off, get some sleep, okay?”

He gave Hanzo a fatherly pat on the shoulder before leaving the room, giving Hanzo no time to reply even if he had wanted to. He didn’t have anything to say, anyway, because the only thing he learned was that hard work and dedication gets you more of the same emptiness he had felt his whole life.

\---

The “celebratory” dinner they had that night felt off since Hanzo didn’t feel like in a celebratory mood. After the presentation, Hanzo had simply gone home and stared at the note from his desk until it hurt too much to look at. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was supposed to be happy, that he was supposed to feel something after completing the impossible task he had been given. Where was the feeling of accomplishment, or the warmth from his father’s pride in him? When it was clear that none of that was going to happen, he went to his father’s office and took a bottle of sake back to his room where he drank enough to pretend he was fine.

Now, he sat with his father and Genji and tried to keep up with the conversation despite his clear intoxication. Genji kept giving him worried looks, but it seemed as if his dad took that as a sign that perhaps Hanzo had celebrated after the presentation. His father kept relaying the positive words that had been said about Hanzo around the office after he had left, the pride clear in his voice as he repeated the praise. 

“At this rate, you will be back on track in no time,” his father said, surprising Hanzo a little bit since he had thought he was already “back on track”.

“What else do I have to do?” Hanzo asked, trying not to sound too annoyed but failing.

His father frowned at him, “well, you didn’t think one presentation would make everyone forget about you going off track for a moment there did you? It’s gonna take a bit more work for that, and I have a couple of projects for you that should do the trick.”

More projects. More time at home staring at data and calculators. Nothing he had accomplished today meant anything more than another step towards whatever it was his father wanted for him.

“I think I’m gonna go to bed early,” Hanzo said slowly, trying to stand up but knocking back his chair in the process. The sound of it hitting the floor sounded like a gunshot in the quiet room. Hanzo apologized, “I’m just tired, sorry.”

Genji stood up beside him, grabbing the fallen chair before grabbing Hanzo’s arm gently. “Me too,” he said, “long day, huh?”

Hanzo just nodded, seeing that Genji was offering him an out. Their father was looking at them both peculiarly, but he didn’t say a word besides “good night” as the two of them left the dining room together. In the hallway, Genji let go of Hanzo and hit him softly on the shoulder.

“Are you drunk?” he asked sternly.

“Perhaps,” Hanzo said with a shrug, “does it matter?”

“Uhm, yeah?” Genji said, “I thought your presentation went well.”

“It did,” Hanzo said with a nod, “I’m the talk of the office, I guess.”

“So, I’m guessing it didn’t feel as good as you thought then?” Genji said, “winning father’s acceptance again?”

Hanzo shrugged, too drunk to deny anything. “It sucked.”

Genji shook his head, looking so damn sad as he looked at Hanzo’s pathetic drunken state, “maybe because it’s not what you really want.”

Hanzo rolled his eyes, “well, I don’t know what I want. I don’t really know anything, do I?”

“No, you don’t,” Genji said, “now come on, let’s get you to bed.”

Hanzo nodded, “That’s where I was going, anyway. I don’t need your help.”

“Well, let me anyway,” Genji said, looping his arm through Hanzo’s. Hanzo didn’t fight as he led him to his room, and he didn’t fight as Genji led him to his bed and helped him get settled in. In the back of his mind, Hanzo knew he was being pathetic, but he was too drunk to care. 

Before Genji left, Hanzo couldn’t help himself and asked, “Genji, did you leave me a note this morning?”

Genji looked back at him with a small smile, “nope. Don’t know what you’re talking about. Good night.”

“Good night,” Hanzo said sleepily, finally feeling the comfort of sleep coming over him after weeks of none of it. The note in his pocket felt like a comforting touch as he drifted off to the sound of Genji shutting the door gently behind him.

\---

After taking the following day as a “sick” day due to his head feeling like it was going to explode, Hanzo was back at the office daily. His father had been telling the truth about the extra projects, delivering more folders to his desk for him to go through. After the anti-climatic finish to his last next to impossible task, his drive had fallen drastically. Instead of working on these projects, Hanzo spent his days at the office staring at his computer screen and trying not to think about how much he had no idea what he was doing anymore.

The thing was that he had spent his whole life chasing this goal that his father had carefully laid out for him, and it suddenly didn’t seem even a little important. He didn’t even care enough to worry about how his father was going to react when he realised Hanzo hadn’t done any of the work. He felt completely numb to it all, and that was somehow worse.

The days blended into each other as time continued to pass against Hanzo’s wish. Everyday he woke up, went to work, stared at his computer screen until it was time to go home where he would drink until he forgot about how miserable his life was. All the while, in his pocket sat the note from Jesse like an anchor keeping him from flying away completely.

The day came that he was supposed to discuss the work he was supposed to be doing during their biweekly meeting. He hadn’t been conscious enough to keep track of the time, so the only clue he had that it was that day was another note sitting on his desk. This time, the note wasn’t an unfamiliar sight in his familiar office but it still felt like an outstretched hand offering him a piece of peace. His mind was still foggy from the night before as he picked up the small note with the now familiar handwriting that he could probably spot from across the room. The note read “good luck - jm”. 

Finally, after reading those two words, he felt the panic of what he had done, or more correctly, not done. He had nothing to show for the weeks of work he was supposed to have done, he didn’t even know what any of it was about. He couldn’t go into that meeting, couldn’t face the questions that were supposed to have well thought out answers. He was going to need a lot more than “luck” to get him through that. 

The note sat in his hand as his mind raced to find a solution that didn’t end up in him being disowned by his father, and it came up empty. The realisation settled on him that he not only couldn’t go into that meeting, but he really did not  _ want _ to go into that meeting, and for a moment his mind cleared. The panic subsided and all that was left was a numb clarity that this was game over, he had no other options left.

Jesse might not have known how weighted his “good luck” was, just how much luck Hanzo needed as he folded the note and slipped it in his pocket with the other note and simply left the office. Everyone else was already in the conference room, so no one saw him take the elevator down. He was grateful to have no obstacles in his way as he made his way out onto the quiet sidewalk. It was late enough that everyone was at work by now, so there were just a few people out and about in this business district. 

Someone passed him on a bike and he couldn’t help but watch them zoom away, trying to discern whether it was Jesse or not. It wasn’t, so he started walking in the opposite direction.

He couldn’t call his driver because that would tip off his father, so he would have to walk wherever it was he was going. Where that was, he had no idea. Somehow he felt both clarity and confusion as he wandered aimlessly, knowing he did not want to be at the office but unsure what that meant in that moment. If he didn’t want the one thing he had been working for his entire life, what did he want?

He knew he wanted Jesse, but he couldn’t be his only reason for living. He knew that, which is why despite the notes, he was not going to call him. Jesse had dealt with enough of his nonsense, he didn’t need to deal with this pathetic failure he had become in his absence.

He found his way to the small ramen place he had gotten drunk at that one embarrassing night with Jesse, as if affirming the thoughts in his head. That stupid love-drunk part of his mind that still existed somehow couldn’t help but think about how Jesse had stuck by him after that night, despite how much of a mess he clearly was. 

Standing outside of the practically empty ramen shop at 10 AM, Hanzo was struck by how much he missed Jesse. He closed his eyes for a moment and, not for the first time, let images from their last night together fill his mind.

“You okay?” a voice broke him from his thoughts, a cruel reminder of where he was.

He looked to see someone standing in the open door of the restaurant staring at him with a concerned look. He was thankful it wasn’t anyone who had seen him embarrass himself that other night, he didn’t recognise them. 

“I’m fine,” he said, “are you open?”

They nodded.

“Thank you,” Hanzo said, trying to sound calm and formal. He followed the employee into the restaurant, taking a seat and ordering their most basic ramen and something to drink. As he waited, he took out the two notes and stared at them. Nothing really made any sense to him these days, but Jesse leaving his inspirational notes made the least sense after how Hanzo had ended things.

Why did Jesse care so much about someone who wanted nothing to do with him? 

His food and drink arrived, which he used as a distraction from his wandering thoughts. The truth of the matter was that it didn’t matter whether Jesse cared about him or not, Hanzo was not in a place where any sort of relationship was a good idea. No matter how much he wanted to see Jesse again. 

He ended up staying at the restaurant, ordering drinks, until it was lunchtime and it started to fill up. Afraid that he would see one of his coworkers, he paid and left. Interestingly enough, he had no messages from his father. He did get a couple from Genji that he left ignored. 

Feeling “better” from the drinks, he continued to wander away from his building. He only got a couple blocks away when a familiar car pulled up beside him. He didn’t look as his driver rolled down the passenger window.

“Mr. Shimada,” he said, “your father has requested that I find you and bring you home.”

Hanzo ignored him and kept walking, thinking about how going home was the last thing he wanted to do right then. The thought of sitting in his room, surrounded by his stuff and the reminders of the life he was throwing away, made his stomach roll.

“Sir,” his driver insisted, “I do not want to know what your father will do if I do not deliver you home right away.”

“At least that’s two of us,” Hanzo said quietly.

“Please, sir,” his driver continued.

“Tell my father that I’ll be home later,” Hanzo said, attempting to keep his voice even.

“Hanzo,” his driver said, catching Hanzo’s attention as he never referred to him with his first name. He sounded concerned as he asked, “are you drunk?”

Hanzo shrugged, “I am fine. Thank you.”

Now his driver stopped the car, parking it illegally before he got out and started following Hanzo on foot. 

“This is very concerning,” he said, “it’s the middle of the day, sir. Is everything okay?”

“You have to know that it is not,” Hanzo said, annoyed with the feigned ignorance, “you were sent to retrieve me, right? Why else would my father need me retrieved if everything was not not okay?”

“I’m sorry,” his driver said, “would you like me to take you somewhere else?”

Hanzo stopped, turning around to face him, “why?”

“I know...” he looked nervous as he trailed off, “you have been spending time with someone. I can take you there, if that’s what you want.”

Hanzo wanted that so badly his driver could never understand, but he shook his head. “Can you take me to the beach?”

“The beach?” his driver looked confused.

“Yes,” Hanzo said.

“It’s kind of cold for that, isn’t it?” he asked.

Hanzo shrugged, “It’s where I want to go, can you take me?”

His driver nodded slowly, “but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

Hanzo shook his head, “are you going to tell my father?”

This time he shook his head, “I don’t think that’s a good idea either.”

“Okay then, let’s go,” Hanzo said, leading the way back to the car. He had no idea what he was doing, or what he would do once he got to the beach, but it felt right for some reason.

His driver didn’t ask anymore questions as they drove across the city, leaving behind the bustling city streets for the quiet of a cold day by the water. Hanzo didn’t know where Jesse had brought him last time, so he just had his driver drop him off at the boardwalk. 

“I’ll be close by,” he said, “remember, you can’t avoid your father forever.”

Hanzo didn’t reply, just walked away. His buzz from the restaurant was fading, much to his displeasure, so he found a nearby liquor store and bought a bottle of something before looking for a secluded spot of beach where no one would find him.

He walked for a bit, focusing all his attention on the goal at hand so that the panic inducing thoughts of what he was doing, what he had done, were kept at bay. After a while, he found a sad looking spot of sand that was covered in trash and other stuff that washed up from the waves. It looked like no one visited this section often, or ever, so he took a seat.

He couldn’t help but think about how proud Jesse would be of him sitting on the sand with no blanket or anything to protect his clothes, how perfectly reckless of him. He opened the bottle and tried to wash away that and any other memory of Jesse and his life before this moment.

He lost track of time, at some point the sun started to set and the bottle was empty leaving him alone with his thoughts. He was pretty drunk at that point, so those thoughts weren’t necessarily productive in any way. The water kept reminding him of Jesse, but also of old trips his family would take out here when he and Genji were kids. All he could think about as he watched the waves lap at the shore was how he couldn’t go back to either of those moments, and if he couldn’t go back to that then what was he going back for?

The pain of that realisation felt like the sand was pulling him under, like he was being slowly covered by millions of granules of sand suffocating him. Just as he was starting to panic a bit from the feeling, he heard a familiar voice calling his name. For a moment he thought he was so far gone that he was hallucinating, but no, that was definitely Jesse’s voice calling from down the beach.

He couldn’t see anything in the dark, just a shadow of a person running towards him. He was frozen in place, unsure how to react to this situation. 

Almost as if he appeared out of thin air, Jesse was suddenly kneeling beside him. He placed a hand on his shoulder, looking at him closely as he asked, “are you okay?”

Hanzo surprised himself by shaking his head no, suddenly wanting to tell Jesse everything. How his father’s approval hadn’t changed anything, that he still felt as lost as he always had, and how he didn’t think he could go home and does that make him sort of homeless?

Jesse said nothing, just pulled Hanzo into a tight hug that felt like slipping into a warm bath especially after sitting on that cold beach for so long. Hanzo’s panicked thoughts slipped away as he melted into Jesse’s embrace, being replaced by the desire for this exact moment to never end. Unfortunately, Jesse pulled away eventually to take another closer look at Hanzo.

“Come with me,” Jesse said, “you’re freezing, and clearly very drunk.”

Hanzo shrugged, pulling away now. His mind cleared enough to feel embarrassed by being caught in this situation. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not,” Jesse said, “and that’s okay. Just come with me, okay? We’ll figure it out in the morning.”

“You’re not going to take me home?” Hanzo asked, confused.

“No,” Jesse said, “I figured you wouldn’t want me to.”

“I don’t, I guess I just thought...” Hanzo trailed away, realising that he had no idea how Jesse had found him. Which meant that his driver had told someone, but that someone had told Jesse so it couldn’t have been his dad. Up until that moment, he had assumed this was either an hallucination or a plot by his dad to get him to go home.

It was looking like it was neither of them. 

“Did Genji tell you where I was?” Hanzo asked.

Jesse nodded, “is that okay?”

“What?” Hanzo asked, because of course it was okay. Jesse was the only person he wanted to see right then.

“Me talking to your brother,” Jesse said.

“You’re talking to Genji,” Hanzo said.

For some reason Jesse looked almost amused as he continued, “yes. I thought you knew that, how else would I have gotten you those notes.”

“The notes,” Hanzo said as if just remembering them. “Oh.”

“Okay, Hanzo, you’re too drunk for this,” Jesse said with a small laugh before wrapping his arm around Hanzo to help him get up. 

As soon as he was on his feet, though, Hanzo felt everything he had drank hit him at once. The world was spinning around him, and he was very afraid that he was going to be sick. Somehow, he made it to the car without any problem that he could remember. The car was his own, but he was too messed up to worry about the sight that his driver was seeing.

Jesse didn’t let go of him the entire way back to his apartment, they sat in the back of the car attached at the hip. As the fog started to clear once again, Hanzo tried to only focus on Jesse and his proximity. Jesse felt familiar and safe, and at that moment that was all he needed to feel.

\---

Hanzo felt like his head was going to explode as he awoke in that familiar empty room, this time alone on the small futon. He felt a moment of panic as the memories of the day before flooded his mind, but it was gone the moment he heard the familiar voice of Jesse’s saying “good morning, sunshine.”

Hanzo sat up slowly, his head pounding as he looked around the room before his eyes landed on Jesse, sitting on the floor beside him. 

“What are you doing down there?” Hanzo asked.

“I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea,” Jesse said with a shrug.

Hanzo shook his head, confused as the image of Jesse tucking him in last night came back to him. “I wouldn’t care.”

“After last time...” Jesse said with a shrug, “I didn’t know what you’d wake up like.”

“Oh,” Hanzo said, feeling guilty. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Jesse said, standing up and joining Hanzo on the edge of the bed, “I can’t pretend to get it, but I can tell whatever it is is not easy.”

Hanzo shook his head, looking down at anything but Jesse. His mind might hurt, but he was no longer drunk enough to be able to pretend that everything was okay. 

“I don’t think I can go home,” Hanzo said slowly, “I mean... I don’t know what will happen.”

“Okay,” Jesse said, “you don’t have to, you can stay here as long as you want.”

Hanzo looked back up at him and his sincere eyes, his beautiful, sincere eyes. He really meant it, even after everything from the past couple weeks. Hanzo had been nothing but miserable to him, ignoring him and then breaking up with him, and he still showed up when Hanzo needed him the most. It didn’t seem real, but it wasn’t a dream.

“Thanks,” he said.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Jesse asked, “why you were drunk off your face on the beach last night?”

Hanzo winced, wanting to forget that had ever happened. “Genji didn’t tell you?”

Jesse shook his head, “I think he thought it was your story to tell.”

“Well, it’s not an exciting story,” Hanzo said with a shrug, wincing again but this time from his throbbing head.

“Oh, let me get you some water,” Jesse said. Hanzo watched him take the short trip from the bed to the kitchen, filling a mug with water from the sink before returning to his spot and holding it out for him. Hanzo figured that now was not a good time to tell him that he didn’t drink tap water, so he accepted it with a quiet “thank you” before chugging it down so he couldn’t taste it.

Jesse laughed, “thirsty much?”

Hanzo shrugged, “I feel like I’m dying.”

Jesse frowned, “you were pretty wasted.”

Hanzo nodded, “I don’t even remember what I drank... God, I was being an idiot.”

Jesse shook his head, scooting over closer to Hanzo so he was right beside him and placing a comforting hand on his knee. “You were depressed. I assume something happened, with your dad?”

Hanzo sighed, “yeah, I guess. You were right. Genji was right. I don’t want this company, not even my father’s pride can make me want to do this and now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t think he’ll forgive me.”

“If he doesn’t, he’s a pretty miserable father,” Jesse said.

“That doesn’t stop it from hurting,” Hanzo said frankly, surprising himself with his openness. It did hurt, somehow even the pride his father had in him after his successful presentation hurt because he knew that he wouldn’t ever get that from something else. He realised then, sitting with Jesse in his dreadfully empty apartment, that he just wanted his father to be happy for him for chasing his actual dreams even if he didn’t know what those were.

“I know,” Jesse said, “but you’ll feel better knowing you did what’s best for you.”

Hanzo sighed, “how’d you get so wise? Was it prison?”

Jesse laughed, hitting Hanzo softly on the shoulder, “hey, those prison guys are smarter than you think.”

Hanzo smiled, letting himself savor the feeling for a moment before asking, “why’d you write those notes after I broke up with you?”

It was the nagging question in his mind for weeks now, along with why’d he come all the way out to the beach to see him despite not talking for weeks. Hanzo figured if someone had broken up with him, he wouldn’t want to see them or speak to them but Jesse kept trying. 

“Well, first of all you were clearly not breaking up with me because you didn’t like me,” Jesse said. “Second, I wouldn’t care if you had anyway. I know we’ve only known each other for a couple months but I really do care about you, Hanzo. I’ve seen you truly happy, and I’ve seen you depressed and anxious even more often. I just... I guess I want you to be happy all the time. With or without me.”

Hanzo frowned, “but why? I’m kind of a lost cause.”

“You’re not,” Jesse said, “and guess I saw something different in you right from the start.”

“The party?” Hanzo asked in disbelief, thinking back to running into the too charming waiter who had gotten into his mind somehow. “Me too, I guess.”

Jesse smiled, “really?”

Hanzo nodded, “but... I don’t know what I’m doing, Jesse.”

“That’s okay,” Jesse said for what felt like the thousandth time, “and nothing has to happen. As I said, with or without me. Figure out what makes you happy, Hanzo. I’ll be here.”

Hanzo shook his head, feeling the familiar giddiness creeping in from being with Jesse. It felt so nice, he wanted to dive right in but he knew that Jesse couldn’t be the only reason he walked away from that beach even if he was the one holding him up. He did need to find out what he wanted, with or without Jesse.

As if he summoned it, his phone went off from the floor by the wall where it was plugged in to charge. Hanzo looked to Jesse with a questioning look.

“As I said, I didn’t want a repeat of last time,” Jesse said before standing up to retrieve Hanzo’s phone for him. 

Hanzo was surprised to see, among the texts from his father and Genji, a text from his coach. He hadn’t gone to a session in a week, cancelling his last two because he didn’t see the importance anymore. The text reminded him that the meet he was supposed to be going to was two weeks away, the rest of the text surprised him even more.

_ The meet is in two weeks, Hanzo. I don’t know what has been going on with you, but I want you to know I still believe in you. If you want to make your goals happen you have to work towards them, and I’m willing to help you. I can meet today at 11, we can talk further action then if you are serious about getting back on track. This is your last chance, I have other athletes waiting to train with me but I want to work with you. _

Hanzo read the text a couple times, to make sure he read it right and that his coach was not dumping him on the side of the road. That, in fact, he was doing the opposite. As he read the words, Hanzo remembered how he had told Jesse that his resolution was to go to worlds, how he had said it impulsively despite never voicing it out loud to anyone before. How when he had said it, it felt true.

Perhaps because it was true.

“I think I know what I want to do,” he said, surprised at the confidence in his voice.

“Well, that was quick,” Jesse said with a smile that filled Hanzo’s heart with that warm giddiness. They stared at each other with dumb smiles for a moment, Hanzo letting himself get lost in it for a moment.

“Will you walk me to the train station?” Hanzo asked, not wanting his time with Jesse to end just yet. 

“Of course,” Jesse said, his smile growing larger. “Anything for you.”

Hanzo rolled his eyes, pushing away the blanke. He was thankful for the water’s effect on his throbbing head as he stood up, the pain now a dull throb as he got prepared to leave. He didn’t really know what he was doing, but as he walked beside Jesse to the train station after texting a confirmation to his coach, he felt for the first time like he might be doing something right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's safe to say i will not finish this fic before the new year but this was a faster update right? thanks for reading, as always, and i'll see you next year!


	9. the archer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did it, i finished this fic. what a ride. i spent so long on this chapter because i wanted it to be perfect, and honestly it's not but it's done. inspire by the fic namesake, the archer, this chapter enters more of a songfic territory bc i wanted to include more lyrics. i hope it's everything you guys have dreamed for.

_ Combat, I'm ready for combat _

_ I say I don't want that, but what if I do? _

_ 'Cause cruelty wins in the movies _

_ I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you _

The only sounds in the training room were the quiet ticking of the timer and Hanzo’s deep breaths as he lifted his bow to position it in line with the target that stood roughly 70 meters away from him. As he focused on the target, his mind was empty except the weight of the bow and the calculations for a bullseye before letting go and watching the arrow fly as if in slow motion. It was a nearly perfect shot, ending his current round with a “score” that would surely put him on top of any leaderboard if he wasn’t just in a training room with his coach and Jesse as his only audience.

Jesse applauded, earning annoyed looks from both Hanzo and his coach. His coach hadn’t really liked the idea of Jesse stopping in to his practice from time to time, but Hanzo didn’t think he could stop him even if he tried. And if he was being honest, it felt nice to have an enthusiastic observer beside his always serious coach. 

It had been a couple days since his coach had sent that text, and after they met up with Hanzo promising to put all of his focus on archery, his coach scheduled practice sessions every day until the meet. Hanzo was grateful at having a second chance he very much did not deserve, so he was giving his all in every session. Acting as if he was already at the meet and recruiters were watching his every shot.

“Another great session,” his coach said then, signalling the end of the hour. It barely felt like long enough, Hanzo could stand there and do a couple more rounds which he normally would do with just Jesse to watch, but that day he had plans. Plans he desperately wanted to put on hold, but he couldn’t think of any reasonable excuse to delay further.

“I don’t think you’ll ever fail to amaze me,” Jesse said as Hanzo joined him on the side of the room. 

Hanzo rolled his eyes, “you can stop buttering me up now, I’m not going to slip out some window.”

“I am not buttering you up,” Jesse said, “just being honest. Although, I have to admit I did consider the possibility that you’d chicken out.”

“Chicken out?” Hanzo said, shaking his head, “I’m not ten.”

“Well, whatever smart word you’d say to mean ‘chickening out,’” Jesse said with a shrug, “I wouldn’t want to talk to your dad either given everything you’ve said about him.”

Instinctively, Hanzo wanted to defend his father but Jesse wasn’t wrong. He was sick to his stomach at the thought of where they were going, back to his home to tell his father everything after staying with Jesse for three days after the beach episode. Genji kept assuring Hanzo that his father would surprise him, that he’d be happy for him instead of disappointed but Hanzo couldn’t believe him. Not with what he knew about his father.

The biggest indicator being that he had not gotten a single call or text from his dad since disappearing, no attempt at communication outside of his driver trying to bring him home that one time. Perhaps Hanzo was already dead to him.

They left the training center and headed for the subway, which Hanzo was now all too familiar with. He had his own metro card and everything. These last few days with Jesse had felt like living in a completely different city, the difference that money makes on how to experience the same place being starkly clear as he experienced Jesse’s life. If he was being honest, despite the gross tap water and all the walking he was new to, it wasn’t that bad being less than rich in the city.

Especially with Jesse as his guide. 

On the way to the subway, Hanzo bought them some drinks from the cafe outside of the station. Sure he was living the city life as less than rich, but he still had a bank account full of money. As they rode the subway, Jesse filled the air with mindless stories about whatever that Hanzo barely listened to as he thought of his impending doom. He knew Jesse wasn’t talking to actually tell Hanzo anything, he was trying to distract him and maybe distract himself as well.

Despite Hanzo’s attempt at keeping things between the two of them mostly platonic, the space between the two of them still felt like a chasm as they sat on the subway. He had spent most of his time with Jesse the past few days, and still it felt like a herculean effort to not succumb to his immature desires. It was weird to be with Jesse but not all the way with Jesse, like they had been before.

Hanzo tensed as the speaker announced that the next stop would be his, his mind racing to remember any of the speeches he had mentally prepared for this moment. Jesse noticed, reaching over to take Hanzo’s hand and squeezing it comfortingly. Hanzo looked over to him, relaxing as he focused on his hand in Jesse’s. 

“What if he gets mad?” Hanzo asked quietly, feeling the train slow down as it approached the stop.

“Then he does,” Jesse said, “and we’ll deal with that.”

Hanzo nodded. He didn’t really believe him, he couldn’t imagine “dealing” with being disowned by his father, or whatever terrible outcome occurs after their impending conversation. But he also couldn’t imagine keeping this up, hiding away in Jesse’s apartment like some runaway teen. Despite how terrified he was, he wanted to do this. He wanted to have everything out in the open, even if it meant that he lost everything he thought that his life was.

So, when the train stopped, he stood up with his hand still in Jesse’s and he left with the crowd of people heading home after a day of work. He told himself, as he held on tighter to Jesse’s hand after Jesse tried to let go, that hand holding was platonic and meant nothing. He just needed Jesse’s support, but the hesitant smile Jesse offered him told him that he was kidding himself.

But he didn’t really care.

  
  


_ I never grew up, it's getting so old _

_ Help me hold onto you _

Standing outside of his home with Jesse by his side made Hanzo feel like he had stepped into an alternative universe or like he was dreaming. He was surrounded by the all too familiar sights of his family home, the home he had spent his entire life in, and by his side was Jesse and his shiny new-ness. It felt off, but right at the same time. 

The door opened before Hanzo even had a chance to prepare himself, with Genji on the other side. His eyes lit up, quickly stepping outside and shutting the door behind.

Surprising Hanzo, Genji pulled him into a hug.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” he said before pulling away and smiling at Jesse. “Thanks, Jesse.”

“Uh, hi,” Hanzo said, a little shaken by the sudden brotherly love.

Genji turned back to Hanzo, “can you try to let me know when you’re going to disappear? I don’t care if you hate dad or whatever, but I was worried sick. You’ve been acting so off.”

“I’m sorry,” Hanzo said, “I just... had to leave. I guess.”

Genji frowned, considering Hanzo for a moment before he said, “I was right, huh? About you not wanting to take over the business?”

Hanzo shrugged, wanting to save this conversation for his father. He didn’t think he could do it twice.

“I think I should go inside,” He said, brushing off Genji’s questions.

It was weird seeing Genji like this, like the brother he had been when they were younger. Before the pressure from their father has driven a wedge between them. Hanzo didn’t really know how to react to this seamless return to their old relationship, so he just didn’t.

Genji nodded, looking at Hanzo a little weird before saying, “I should warn you, dad is... not happy.”

“I figured,” Hanzo said.

“No, I mean,” Genji said, “even more than last time, which I didn’t think was possible. He’s gone completely silent, hasn’t said more than a word to me after I told him you were okay.”

“Was he... worried about me?” Hanzo asked, unsure if he wanted to know the answer. He felt Jesse step closer to him, clearly trying to comfort him without openly touching him. Even now, after the whole hand holding thing, he was respecting Hanzo’s decision to keep things distant between them. Once again, Hanzo wondered how he stumbled upon a guy as good as him?

“Of course,” Genji said, “we all were, your driver called and said you were acting strange and after the weeks you’ve had... I just didn’t know where you were or what you were doing.”

Hanzo nodded slowly, unsure how to react to that. In the moment, he hadn’t thought his actions would affect anyone. “Okay. I’m sorry, again. I didn’t mean to make anyone worried, I just... needed to get away from that.”

Genji nodded, reaching out and patting Hanzo on the shoulder surprisingly tenderly, “I understand, more than you know. Good luck with dad, I’ll be right here.”

Hanzo nodded, going to step beside Genji but he grabbed his arm gently, stopping him. 

“Hanzo,” he said, his eyes serious, “no matter what he says, stand your ground, okay? Don’t let him get back in your head, it’s your life.”

Hanzo wanted to believe that he wouldn’t, but he also knew that his father always seemed to manage to sliver his way back into his mind. He remembered the last time he got far into archery to consider worlds, how his father hadn’t told him he couldn’t continue training for it, but he said enough to make him pull back and ultimately lose his chance. He never had to say no, he just had to say something about priorities and their “life’s work” and Hanzo would figure out the rest.

He took a deep breath before saying to Genji, “I’ll try. Thanks, Genji. For everything.”

He looked to Jesse, who gave him a small nod and a thumbs up. They had decided Jesse should wait outside, that this was a conversation meant for just Hanzo and his father. So, Hanzo left Genji and Jesse on the steps as he stepped back inside his home.

His father was sitting in the lounge, reading some papers until Hanzo stepped into the room. He set them down and acknowledged Hanzo with a nod, an impersonal greeting that Hanzo tried to ignore as he took a seat. 

“Hello,” Hanzo said.

His father said nothing, just stared at him expectantly, clearly not going to make this easy for Hanzo. 

“I’m sorry,” Hanzo started, “I should have informed you that I wasn’t going to be at the meeting. Actually, I should have told you that I wasn’t doing the work, or more specifically that I did not want to do the work.”

“Why?” his father finally spoke, managing to sound both confused and hurt with one word.

“I don’t want to take over the company,” Hanzo said, the words he had practiced over and over again in his head finally out on the table. He saw only a flicker of emotion in his father’s face before returning to his cold business face.

“Okay,” he said, “I can’t say that I understand where this is coming from, I thought we had an understanding between the two of us. I have practically delivered a future to you on a silver platter, and now you want to return it? For what? Archery? Whoever it is you’ve been staying with?”

“No,” Hanzo said, “I don’t want to return it for anything but myself. I have been chasing your dream my entire life, Father. I don’t even know what I want, or who I am. I am ‘returning’ your ‘gift’ because I want to make my own future. Which does include archery and... Jesse.”

“Jesse?” his father asked.

“That’s who I have been staying with,” Hanzo said carefully, going off script now. He had not been planning to bring Jesse into the conversation, but he realised it had to be said. “He was there for me when it felt like no one was.”

“He...” his father said slowly, realization dawned on him. “Is that what this is all about, you’re gay?”

Hanzo shook his head, “that’s not what it’s all about. He just happens to be a part of it all.”

“You know I don’t care who you date,” his father said, looking almost relieved, “as long as they don’t take you away from your work, which it’s clear this ‘Jesse’ guy has done.”

“It’s not just him,” Hanzo said, his frustration growing. His father clearly grabbed onto this idea of Jesse being the culprit, something easy to get rid of and convince Hanzo that he had been manipulated into this. The ironic thing was that this was just another manipulation tactic itself.

“As I said,” Hanzo said, “I just want to find out what I want for my life, and I don’t think it’s this. I’m sorry if that isn’t what you wanted for me, but I am an adult and I can make my own decisions. I  _ want _ to make my own decisions.”

His father considered him for a moment before he said, “I think you are going to regret this, when this Jesse guy breaks your heart and all you have left is that bow and arrow of yours. I’m gonna guess that doesn’t get you much money.”

“Life isn’t all about money, you know,” Hanzo said as the course of this conversation started to form in his mind. It was going to end bad, he wasn’t going to be getting a heartfelt apology from his father at the end. His father wasn’t going to choose being a parent above being his boss. 

“Dad,” Hanzo said, trying to keep his voice even as he felt the wave of panic start to approach him, “I just need to figure out what I’m doing for myself. I thought... I thought you might understand. I thought that you would want me to... I don’t know, be happy. I guess.”

“You were happy enough until a couple weeks ago,” his father said, “either way, happiness is no life goal. You’ll learn that soon enough.”

His tone had finality in it, signalling the end of the conversation. Just as he always had, he took control of the situation and Hanzo let him. He didn’t say another word as he watched his father stand up, pausing for a moment to say one last thing.

“If this is what you want,” he said, “to pursue some sort of ‘happiness’, then I think you’ll agree that you can do that on your own. Get whatever you need and go back to wherever it is that you’ve been staying, and when you realise that this happiness doesn’t actually exist, I will be waiting to help you get back on track. Because, despite what you think, I do care about you, son. I just don’t want to see you throw your life away.”

“Are you kicking me out?” Hanzo asked in disbelief.

“I am just aiding you in your pursuit, am I not?” he said, “how can you ‘find’ yourself if you are staying in the same place you’ve spent everyday in?”

Hanzo knew that was not what he was doing, that he was being kicked out because he had done the one thing that his father couldn’t forgive. 

“And if I’m right,” Hanzo said quietly, “and I find this happiness you don’t believe in, then what?”

His father’s face revealed something other than a cold apathy for the first time since the conversation started, a moment of despair breaking through before he regained his composure as he said, “that won’t happen.”

He left without another chance for Hanzo to speak, leaving Hanzo feeling like a five year old boy abandoned at the mall. That child in him wanted to call out after his father, apologise ten times over and take it all back, but he knew he couldn’t. He had gone into this knowing that this would be the probable result, but it still stung. It still felt like someone had ripped his anchor off and he was floating helplessly at sea as he stood surrounded by the familiarity of his own home.

Or, what was his home.

Hanzo doesn’t remember how he gets back outside, to the steps where Jesse and Genji still stood with anxious expressions. He does remember, vividly, the way that Jesse took one look at him and immediately pulled him into a tight hug. Despite himself, it reminded him of being a kid when his mother or father would hug him if he got hurt but it wasn’t his mother, or father, or even Genji. It was Jesse who kept showing up over and over again, who could read him well enough to know that things had gone very wrong without him saying a word. Somehow, this guy who was a stranger a couple months ago, was the only consistent person in Hanzo’s life. 

Hanzo didn’t remember saying goodbye to Genji who had stormed back into the house to go give their father a piece of his mind, he didn’t remember riding the subway back to Jesse’s apartment, or eating the ramen Jesse prepared for them when they arrived. The only thing he really remembered after being kicked out of his childhood home was a deep desire to never let go of Jesse.

_ And I cut off my nose just to spite my face _

_ Then I hate my reflection for years and years _

Although Hanzo had known very well that things would probably end badly with his father, he still felt lost aftwards. He had hyped himself up for the interaction so much that he hadn’t thought of what to do afterwards, other than continue training up until the meet. So, that’s what he did although his heart wasn’t really in it the days following the confrontation with his father. He didn’t know what else to do so he pushed through his own apathy and showed up to his daily sessions.

He couldn’t stop it from affecting his shooting though, or from his coach being able to read it on his face. His coach kept quiet about it for a couple days, not saying much other than some tips and words of encouragement when hanzo had a bad round. When Hanzo wasn’t improving after these couple of days, though, he couldn’t remain silent anymore.

“I’m guessing things didn’t go well with your father?” his coach asked after their time was out.

“You could say that,” Hanzo said as he gathered his arrows, anticipating his coach giving him the bad news that he couldn’t go to the meet like this.

Instead, his coach said, “I think you should take tomorrow off.”

What Hanzo heard was “you’re a lost hope, it doesn’t matter if you come in everyday or not.”

“Don’t take that the wrong way,” his coach said as if reading Hanzo’s mind, “I think it would be good for you to take a day off, get some rest and recover a bit.”

“Oh,” Hanzo said, shaking his head, “trust me, this is the only thing keeping me sane right now. I have nothing else to do.”

“How about you do nothing?” his coach offered, “normal people know how to do nothing, you know.”

“I think we both know by now that I am far from normal,” Hanzo said, “I’ll be here tomorrow.”

His coach sighed, conceding as he said, “at least try to relax a bit tonight. Watch a movie or something.”

“Okay,” Hanzo said, knowing full well that he would not do that as he grabbed his bag. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

His coach returned his sentiment as he left the room, heading to the lockers to get changed. Jesse was waiting for him outside, he knew from a text, so he quickly dressed back into his street clothes. Genji had brought him a couple bags of stuff later in the day after Hanzo’s confrontation with their father, so Hanzo finally had some of his own clothes. He had thought it would feel nice to look like himself again, but the clothes he used to wear felt wrong on him now. He felt like he was posing as someone he couldn’t be anymore, but he needed to wear something.

Jesse smiled as Hanzo joined him outside, somehow still happy to see him after spending the last week with him. Hanzo couldn’t really blame him, because the sight of Jesse waiting for him still caused his heart to flutter too.

“How’d it go?” Jesse asked as they walked towards the bus stop together.

Hanzo shrugged, “fine.”

Jesse frowned, “so not good?”

“I didn’t say that,” Hanzo said, knowing that Jesse could read between the lines anyway.

“Well, fine isn’t good,” Jesse said, letting silence fall over them for a moment as he watched Hanzo. “Let’s do something.”

“Like what?” Hanzo asked, already mentally back at Jesse’s apartment and ready to shut off his mind for the day.

“Anything,” Jesse said, speeding up a bit so he was walking backwards in front of Hanzo. “I know you’re probably tired from training to be the best archer the world has ever seen, but what about we go out for some real dinner for once?”

That didn’t sound too bad, eating something besides instant ramen or some fast food delivered to his door. Jesse wasn’t much of a cook, and neither was Hanzo, so food lately had been pretty drab. 

“Okay,” Hanzo said with a small smile, “let’s eat.”

Jesse grinned, “what are we feeling like?”

They discussed a couple of options, finally landing on some fancier looking restaurant they found on the internet. Jesse said he wanted a taste of the “upscale” city, but the restaurant was far enough out of Hanzo’s neighborhood that he felt pretty good that he wouldn’t see anyone he knew. 

Hanzo regretted the decision pretty much right out the gate, feeling uncomfortable with how much he blended into the crowd of business casual beside Jesse who clearly did not belong. Jesse didn’t seem to mind though, instead whispering jabs at the “soulless” people that passed them. Hanzo couldn’t help but think about how he was just another one of those people in disguise, a bad one at that.

“You okay?” Jesse asked after they had been seated, leaning in across the table. 

“Yeah, it’s just a little weird,” Hanzo said looking around, “we usually only eat at places like this for business meetings. “

“We being you and your father,” Jesse said. “Well, this is different. I’ve never been anywhere like this, but back in the days we’d go to Friendly’s or something whenever there was a birthday. So, let’s say we’re celebrating today.”

“Is it someone’s birthday?” Hanzo asked, thankful for Jesse’s distraction.

“No,” Jesse said, “but do you think if I said it was, we’d get free dessert?”

“I’m not sure, why don’t we try?” Hanzo asked, deciding to go along for the ride.

Jesse grinned, “that’s the spirit.”

When the waiter came, Jesse casually told Hanzo to get whatever he wanted because it’s his birthday. Hanzo tried not to laugh as he ordered something, trying to avoid Jesse’s mischievous eyes. For that moment, as the waiters walked away and Jesse let out the laugh he had been holding, Hanzo didn’t feel like an imposter because he had an inside joke with Jesse. He was just a guy celebrating his fake birthday with his... friend.

Yes, his friend, which even he doubted as he laughed along with Jesse. He obviously still liked the guy romantically, but he kept telling himself that it wasn’t a good time. He was too busy trying to find himself and all that, and while Jesse has been an important part of all that, he felt like he had to keep it platonic. Although these days he was starting to wonder why.

“God,” Jesse said suddenly, not laughing anymore as he watched Hanzo, “I missed your smile.”

Hanzo’s face heated up, feeling Jesse’s gaze like a bright light on his face. He didn’t necessarily hate it, but he still wasn’t used to the way that Jesse seemed to actually see him despite how hard he tried to not be seen. Hanzo wanted to look away, but in the back of his mind he felt compelled to not hide for once. This was the new Hanzo, or the real Hanzo that he had tried so hard to stuff in a metaphorical chest, and he liked the attention.

“Me too,” Hanzo said quietly, meeting Jesse’s gaze.

Jesse bit his lip, clearly trying to stop himself from saying something. Hanzo can imagine the list of romantic sentiments going through Jesse’s head, the kind of stuff Hanzo had told him he didn’t want to hear. Not for the first time, Hanzo thought that he didn’t deserve someone like Jesse and that Jesse deserved so much better.

He was also thinking about how cute Jesse looked biting his lip like that, which was a much more dominant thought.

It was more of that as the night progressed, distracting conversation and moments where Hanzo wanted to throw away his caution and do something stupid like kiss Jesse right in the middle of that restaurant. When dessert came around, Jesse was proven correct as the waiter brought free lava cake with a little sparkler stuck in the top. There was no singing or anything tacky like that, since this was a more professional restaurant, but they did get their free dessert.

They shared it between the two of them, as if Hanzo didn’t have more than enough money to afford one for each of them. He figured he probably should save it anyway, who knows when he’ll have a steady income again. That thought only lasted for a minute though, as they small spoons clacked against each other on the small plate.

“I know I shouldn’t say this,” Jesse said, tapping his spoon against Hanzo’s, “but you are literally the most beautiful person I have ever met and I don’t know who I saved in some other life to make me deserve even a moment of your time.”

He shouldn’t have said it, but Hanzo was so glad he did even if he was so wrong. If anyone didn’t deserve the other, it was Hanzo.

“I’d imagine you must have saved some sort of dictator or something,” Hanzo said, “to deserve someone like me.”

Jesse shook his head, setting down his spoon and reaching across the table to grab Hanzo’s hand, “you should really stop thinking so low of yourself, just because you’ve been a little lost doesn’t mean you're a bad person.”

“I know,” Hanzo said quietly, it was easy to know but much harder to believe it. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Maybe you don’t,” Jesse said, “but you get me anyway.”

Hanzo smiled, “thank you.”

They sat there, the half finished dessert melting between them as Hanzo tried so hard not to lean over and kiss Jesse right there and then. The only reason he didn’t was because they were in the middle of a restaurant. Maybe if they hadn’t been surrounded by suit wearing zombies, then Hanzo wouldn’t have let them be interrupted by the check before he got the chance to break his own rule.

_ I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost _

_ The room is on fire, invisible smoke _

_ And all of my heroes die all alone _

_ Help me hold onto you _

Time moved much faster than Hanzo would have liked as the week progressed towards the meet. After the dinner with Jesse, things between the two of them had shifted a little bit. Not in a bad way, in a way that made Hanzo’s heartbeat a little faster. They maintained a mostly platonic relationship, besides the occasional comment bordering on confessions of love from Jesse and Hanzo’s lack of rejection. 

On the archery front, Hanzo managed to pull himself together. He took his coach’s advice and tried to relax after the dinner with Jesse. The two of them did actually sit down for a movie when they got back to Jesse’s apartment. Laying much closer than two friends do, and Jesse didn’t bother to move from the bed as they fell asleep despite mostly sleeping on the floor since Hanzo moved in.

Relaxing turned out to mean letting Jesse in a bit more and more, and it did help to distract him from his now non-existent relationship with his father. Genji gave him a couple updates, nothing good though. It seemed as though his father was moving on as if nothing had happened, so Hanzo figured he should as well.

Even if it felt impossible some days.

The day before the meet, Hanzo had an extra long session. Going through the rounds as if he was at the meet already, and then repeating it with corrections from his coach. By the time they were done, anyone would think that it was just muscle memory at that point. Still, Hanzo felt nothing but anxiety over the impending meet. He was sure that despite the heavy training and near perfect rounds he was performing, he was going to somehow mess it up when in front of the judges.

“Get a lot of rest, Hanzo,” his coach said as they packed up to leave, “or try to, at least. I expect you to be relaxed and ready bright and early, okay?”

Hanzo just nodded, not able to commit with words but hoping that his coach would understand. 

Outside, Jesse awaited as always. Still smiling as Hanzo left the building, still garnering a butterfly reaction from Hanzo’s stomach. 

“On a scale from 1 to 10, how confident are you right now?” Jesse asked as they headed towards the train.

“Zero?” Hanzo offered.

Jesse frowned, wrapping an arm around Hanzo’s shoulder and pulling him close as they walked along with the crowd of city folk heading home after work. The old Hanzo would have been embarrassed, but he only felt contentment as he pressed into Jesse’s side.

“You are going to blow those other archers out of the water,” Jesse said, “I am a thousand percent confident.”

“Thanks, but I’m still pretty sure I won’t,” Hanzo said.

Jesse shook his head, saying nothing else on topic as they continued back to his apartment. Instead he told Hanzo about this customer who had tried to say he had eaten some of their fries earlier that day, and Hanzo listened and tried to let it drown out his crushing anxiety.

It turns out that filling your life with distractions instead of facing any of the causes just results in it all hitting you at once. When Hanzo finally fell asleep that night, after a fitful couple of hours of tossing and turning and trying not to think about the meet and the inevitable disappointment, his mind was filled with images of his father. 

The only thing he remembered when he awoke covered in sweat, his heart racing as if he had been being chased, was the image of his father standing in front of a target and the arrow already flying. Jesse was beside him already, pulling him into his chest as other images of his father came back to him. A mix of dreams and real memories fought inside his mind, nothing he could really hold onto as it felt like something heavy sat on his chest. 

Jesse murmured soft words to Hanzo, telling him everything was okay and that no one was trying to hurt him. Hanzo focused on that, and the comforting pressure of Jesse around him, and let them soften the panic that has taken over him. He didn’t know how long they sat there like that before he felt like he could finally take a real breath, the panic still at the edges of his mind but releasing him enough for him to tell Jesse he was okay.

“I’m sorry,” he said into Jesse’s chest.

“Don’t be,” Jesse said, keeping his tight grip on Hanzo, “you don’t have to be sorry for anything.”

But he did, Hanzo had a lot to be sorry about. The main one being that even after “freeing” himself from his father’s tight grip, Hanzo still let him dictate what was good for him or not. He felt like if he let himself really be with Jesse, then his father would have been right. That he wasn’t really looking for himself, that Jesse had just led him astray. 

But that wasn’t true, because the real Hanzo that he had been looking for was in love with Jesse and there was nothing wrong with that.

The panic was gone then, replaced by a deep sense of contentment as he shifted away from Jesse for a just moment. Jesse still had his arms around him, but he looked hesitant as Hanzo repositioned himself so that they were eye level to each other. Hanzo took a moment to appreciate the moment, the quiet as they took in each other with the only light being the sliver of a moon outside the window. 

“Are you okay?” Jesse asked, breaking the silence.

Hanzo nodded, smiling a little as he moved closer to Jesse. Hanzo could feel Jesse’s heavy breath on his lips as he said, quietly but confidently, “I love you.”

Hanzo watched Jesse’s face go from hesitant, to confused, and then to joy before he closed the small gap between the two of them. Jesse kissed him with gentle urgency, breaking away only to say “I love you” over and over again. He kissed away any last remnants of the nightmare that woke Hanzo, filling his mind with nothing but a new kind of bliss that came from the confidence that he wanted nothing more than this moment.

Later, when Hanzo would lay his head on Jesse’s chest and feel the exhaustion of the past week finally collapsing on him, he would happily slip into a dreamless sleep thinking about how he had found that happiness that he had been seeking. It had been right beside him the whole time.

_ 'Cause they see right through me _

_ They see right through me _

_ Can you see right through me? _

_ I see right through me _

Hanzo felt oddly calm as he and Jesse headed out of the city and towards the training center where the meet was being held. He could probably owe it to his peaceful morning, somehow waking up before his alarm and before Jesse so he got to spend the first few minutes of his day just admiring a peacefully sleeping Jesse without worrying about being late to the meet. That, along with the warm cup of tea from the cafe a couple blocks up from Jesse’s apartment, helped calm any nerves he probably should have had.

He also had a sense of confidence going into the meet, which might just be from the sweet words that Jesse had whispered to him the night before. Still, he focused on this confidence as they thanked the driver before walking side by side into the much bigger, and more intimidating, training center. There were a bunch of people milling about, archers and coaches all looking either very nervous or confidently apathetic. Hanzo hoped he belonged in the latter category as he searched the room for his coach.

He found him talking to another archer near the back. He tried not to let the stares that followed him affect him, but he was only human and an anxious one at that. So, by the time he got to his coach, the confidence from the morning had mostly worn off.

“Hanzo,” his coach greeted him warmly, “and Jesse. I’m glad to see you both, bright and early.”

“Of course,” Hanzo said, glancing at the other archer.

“Oh, yes,” his coach said, “this is Kara, my other trainee. Kara, this is Hanzo.”

The other archer smiled, holding out her hand, “nice to meet you, Hanzo. Best of luck out there, but not too much.”

Hanzo nodded, “same to you.”

Although, he secretly wished her the opposite. He was human, after all. Kara wandered off, telling the coach something about “warming up”.

“Seems I’m a little late,” Hanzo said, looking around at the already full lobby.

“As I said, you’re not the only one who wants this,” his coach said, patting him on the shoulder, “now, you should go get changed and warm up. Jesse, you can find a seat through there.”

He pointed through some double doors that were propped open, giving Hanzo a little peek into the area he would later be shooting in. He tried not to let the now impending nerves crush him as he hugged Jesse goodbye, wishing that the short kiss he offered lasted longer. 

After changing, Hanzo joined some of the other archers to warm up. It had been so long since Hanzo had done any official archery stuff, so he felt awkward entering the space. He searched the stands for Jesse, catching his eyes and smiling nervously when he found him. The nerves were back, but knowing that Jesse was there helped him step up to an empty target. 

He took a deep breath, trying to cut out any of the other people in the room and focus only on the target in front of him as he lined up a shot. He let the arrow fly and winced at the sloppy shot, looking around to make sure no one was watching. They were, of course. He was the new guy, or old guy if anyone remembered his last attempt at worlds. Either way they would have a reason to watch him. 

His next shot was worse, his hands were shaking as he felt the eyes on him. Soon, he imagined, they’d start whispering among themselves wondering who this poser was and how the hell did he get into this meet? Hanzo closed his eyes, taking a couple deep breaths and trying to calm the panic that was creeping up on him. Opening his eyes, he looked right to where Jesse still sat.

He looked a little worried for a moment, before smiling and giving Hanzo a thumbs up. He mouthed “you got this” before blowing him a cheesy kiss that should have embarrassed him but it didn’t. Instead, Hanzo couldn’t help but smile at his silly boyfriend before lining up another shot.

Now, he focused on the target and pretended that Jesse was the only person in the room as he lined up another shot. This one was better, but it was going to take more than just one good shot to convince everyone that Hanzo deserved to be there. He finished a round with a couple more good shots before handing off the target to someone else to warm up.

He found his coach at the side of the room, “I’m gonna hope you didn’t see that.”

“You’re too in your head, Hanzo,” his coach said. “Don’t think about the people watching you, or whether your shot is going to be good or not. Just shoot the way I know you know you can. I do believe in you, Hanzo.”

Hanzo nodded, taking a deep breath in, “thank you, coach.” 

“Anytime,” he said, “that’s what you pay me for.”

Hanzo laughed, rolling his eyes as the announcer announced ten minutes until the first round. 

“Alright, time for the real thing, good luck,” his coach said, patting him on the shoulder before he left to check in with his other trainee.

Hanzo wished that he hadn’t left his phone in the locker room as he stood there waiting for the round to begin, he desperately wanted to talk to Jesse. Instead, they kept sharing nervous smiles and Jesse kept throwing him encouraging thumbs up which would curb Hanzo’s anxiety for a minute or so.

Finally, it began. Hanzo watched the first archers go up and have amazing rounds, with a couple of them having one “bad” shot a piece. Bad being generous, they were still pretty good. Hanzo realised with increasing panic that he had never performed that well in front of a judge, or really in front of anyone who wasn’t his coach or Jesse. As the archer stepped away from the targets, and Hanzo was called up, his heart was racing with anxiety.

From the crowds he could hear Jesse cheering obnoxiously, which no one did for anyone else. Hanzo shot him a sharp look, which didn’t help at all, he just kept cheering. Hanzo shook his head, giving an apologetic look to the judges. Admittedly, the distraction did calm down his imposter syndrome nerves as he lined up for his first shot. The room was silent as the timer started and the only sound became arrows hitting targets.

Hanzo let his body take control, focusing on the target as he shot and nothing else. In the back of his mind, he could feel the judges and everyone watching him with a critical eye but he pushed that as far back as he could. Still, when the round was over, he couldn’t stop himself from looking at the other targets and the judges. 

He was surprised to find he had done pretty well, and one of the judges caught his eye with an approving look. He gathered his arrows, preparing for the next round and feeling more confident than the first. By the time he was done, he could feel the surprise in the room. He had surpassed their expectations, he had surpassed his own expectations.

He might actually win this thing. 

During the break, Kara approached him with an impressed smile. “Coach wasn’t joking when he told me to be prepared. You’re real competition, stranger.”

“I’m gonna take that as a compliment,” Hanzo said. “You’re not too bad yourself.”

“Of course I am,” she said with a smirk before leaving to talk to some other archers.

Jesse was by his side then, pulling him in for a hug and a kiss. 

“You killed it,” he said, resting his forehead on Hanzo’s.

“Thanks, you helped,” Hanzo said, kissing him again. 

“Well, I guess you’ll have to keep me then,” Jesse said.

“I guess so,” Hanzo said.

“Hey,” a voice interrupted their moment, causing Jesse to step back to Hanzo’s side. It was another archer, someone that looked vaguely familiar to Hanzo. “Hanzo Shimada, right? You disappeared from the scene a couple years ago.”

Hanzo nodded wordlessly.

“I heard some rumours you were back,” the archer said, “I wasn’t sure to believe them, they said you went AWOL.”

“I’m sorry?” Hanzo asked, confused how anyone had any information on him. Now he recognised the guy as a former competitor from his last run. Hanzo had beat him at a couple meets.

“People are saying you went a little crazy,” he said with a shrug and a smug smile, clearly trying to psych Hanzo out.

And it was working.

“Maybe you shouldn’t believe everything you hear,” Jesse said sharply, pulling Hanzo aside, “see you inside.”

Hanzo let Jesse pull him away, feeling like someone had just ripped the floor out from under him. In the hallway, away from the crowd of people that Hanzo now believed had seen right through him. 

“Do you think they all think that?” Hanzo said quietly. “How do they know...?”

“They don’t know anything,” Jesse said, clearly angry, “they think they know something from whatever shred of evidence they have. Probably just heard you were coming here and decided that meant you had gone crazy. I don’t know, athletes are dirt bags.”

“Hey, I am one of them,” Hanzo said, looking back at the closed door and wondering if they were talking about him. “I know you’re right but... they’re not wrong. I did sort of go crazy.”

“If this is crazy,” Jesse said with a quick kiss, “then I don’t want normal.”

Hanzo sighed, melting into Jesse and collapsing into him a little bit. The moment was short lived as the announcer announced the next bout of rounds, bringing Hanzo back to reality. He remembered how well he had done, and realised that that guy had just felt threatened. He wanted this to throw Hanzo off his game, but he was determined for it not to.

“Go prove them all wrong, my archer,” Jesse said with one last kiss before sending him back into the room. Hanzo paused at the door, taking a deep breath and looking at Jesse one more time before rejoining the rest of the archers. 

_ All the king's horses, all the king's men _

_ Couldn't put me together again _

_ 'Cause all of my enemies started out friends _

_ Help me hold onto you _

The break didn’t help Hanzo, he just felt anxious all over again as he rejoined the archers waiting for their turn. He watched the guy from earlier closely as he shot, he was pretty good which Hanzo pretended he didn’t care about. Since their interaction, Hanzo couldn’t shake the feeling that he was being watched constantly. He kept catching other archers eyes and wondering if they thought he was some loose canon or something. 

He knew the only way he could prove that he wasn’t was to go up there and shoot a perfect round, but he didn’t feel too confident that he could anymore. He had seen all too well how he got when he let his anxiety get in the way of his shooting, his mind jumping to his lackluster performances in his last couple training sessions. 

When it was his turn, and the signal was given for him to start shooting, he could feel his arm shake as he positioned his bow. In that moment, he was mostly annoyed that he couldn’t shake what that archer had said. He shot his first arrow, mentally wincing at the sloppy shot. 

Here it was, he thought, his luck had run out. This, disappointing everyone, was the predetermined ending wasn’t it? He wanted to give up, just set aside his bow and hang in the towel when out of the corner of his eye he saw something odd.

In the break between rows of seating, he saw the familiar flash of Genji’s green hair alongside the familiar figure of their father. Surprised, he let out the shot he had lined up. He didn’t watch to see it land, though, instead he kept his eyes on his father who was watching him closely. 

He was surprised by his own negative reaction to the sight of his father. Isn’t this what he had wanted, for him to show up so he could prove that this “hobby” was actually something he could pursue. Instead, he stood paralyzed as he heard the archer beside him shoot his last shot, a sure sign that Hanzo should be shooting his own final shot. His father met his gaze with an expectant look, kicking Hanzo back into gear.

His father never did fail to be his source of determination. 

Turning back to the target, probably with seconds left, Hanzo positioned his bow and let out a quick shot. Staring at the three arrows, Hanzo was once surprised to see his last two shots were both perfect 10s, following his abysmal introductory shot. 

He looked back to his father who watched expressionless, and once again Hanzo was met with a feeling of nothing but emptiness. It wasn’t a great showing, but he didn’t think it would have mattered if it was.

As long as he wasn’t in the office, following the detailed plan that his father had penned for his life, his father would always watch with the same unimpressed gaze. Hanzo nodded a greeting before rejoining the other archers to wait for their next round.

He finished the tournament with more near perfect rounds, rounding out his already impressive scorecard. After the final round, the archers shook hands and congratulated each other on a good competition before the final ranking was announced. Hanzo didn’t congratulate the one from earlier, pointedly ignoring him as he made the rounds.

The other archers didn’t seem to think anything odd of Hanzo as they sincerely congratulated him on an impressive return to the archery scene. Every so often, Hanzo kept looking back up at the stands where his father had disappeared from near the end of the rounds. He didn’t know what he expected to see, but he looked anyway.

Jesse joined him on the floor, along with his coach as the judges announced the reading of the ranks. 

“No matter what happens,” his coach said, “you proved yourself out there, Hanzo. People will be watching you for nationals.”

At the mention of nationals, the next step towards worlds, Hanzo felt his heart begin to race even more. Once again, he looked up and saw just Genji standing where the two of them used to stand. He gave Hanzo an apologetic look, telling him everything he needed to know. 

He couldn’t even stay for the results.

It’s weird how everything can feel like it’s finally working out while the life Hanzo knew fell apart around him, how he could be grieving the loss of his relationship with his father while hearing that he had placed second in his first official meet since his failed worlds run. For a moment, Hanzo almost felt guilty as he let the joy of the moment overwhelm his sorrow over his father but Jesse whispering “you deserve this” before pulling him in for a kiss in front of everyone in the arena erased any shred of guilt left. 

It was weird how winning a fight could feel so bittersweet.

_ Who could ever leave me, darling? _

_ But who could stay? _

_ You could stay. _

“To my brother, the second best archer in the world,” Genji said with a wink, holding up his plastic cup full of water. The three of them, Jesse, Hanzo and Genji, sat in a nearly empty Friendly’s near the training center. When they passed it on their way out, Jesse insisted they celebrate there just like he used to with his friends.

“I’ll toast to that,” Jesse said with a grin before kissing Hanzo on the cheek as he held up his cup. Hanzo rolled his eyes, but joined them in the toast.

After the tournament wrapped up, Genji had met up with them in the lobby. He explained to Hanzo that he had insisted that their father come, hoping that it would have changed his mind. It didn’t, apparently he left in a worse mood then he arrived.

“I’m sorry,” Genji had said, “but you don’t really need his approval, anyway. You’re amazing, man.”

Hanzo’s coach also introduced him to some fellow archers, shoe-ins for nationals apparently, all of whom seemed very interested in Hanzo’s career plans. Hanzo couldn’t confidently say he wanted to pursue archery forever, but for now he was happy to plan on it for the foreseeable future. The only thing he really knew for sure was that he wasn’t going to let someone else plan that future for him, even his coach.

None of that was on his mind, though, as he sat beside Jesse in that Friendly’s. Instead, he was thinking about how lucky he was to be surrounded by the two people in his life who seemed to be happy to stick with him through thick and thin. He didn’t really think he deserved it, the unfaltering support from either of them but he wanted to. 

“So, what next?” Jesse asked as they split a sundae between the three of them, after Hanzo barely touched the burger Jesse had ordered for him and he insisted they get dessert.

“I’m thinking we should go home, go to sleep...” Hanzo answered.

“No, not like that,” Jesse laughed, “what’s next in the big picture.”

“Oh,” Hanzo said, staring at the ice cream on his spoon. “I guess I keep training and see where that gets me.”

“Mysterious,” Jesse said with a smile, “my type of plan.”

“Hanzo going with the flow,” Genji said in disbelief, “who is this guy, and where is my brother?”

“Right here,” Jesse said with a grin, throwing his arm around Hanzo, “you just didn’t know him yet.”

Genji raised an eyebrow at Hanzo, who just shrugged. “Alright, can’t wait to get to know you, brother.”

“Me too,” Hanzo said, leaning into Jesse and enjoying the safety of his warmth as he and Genji continued the playful banter. He could get used to this, he thought, and if his future involved more of this than he couldn’t complain. Even if every so often he’d remember what he lost to gain it, it was worth it in the end.

He wanted to be the type of person who deserved to be saved from his lowest point, and he was willing to go far to prove that he was.

_ Combat, I'm ready for combat  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i have wanted to write this taylor swift mchanzo fic for years now, so thanks for everyone who has been reading and commenting, bc i wouldn't have finished this without the push of your support. i'm being dramatic but this is the longest fic i've ever written so i'm emo about it. thanks for reading :)


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